Charlie Sheen’s Live Show Bombs, Wants His Old Job Back

If you haven’t heard by now, Charlie Sheen’s “My Violent Torpedo of Truth/Defeat Is Not An Option” tour completely bombed during its first show in Detroit Saturday night which is shocking because anyone can do 80 minutes of stand-up. Right, mind of a drug addict? Anyway, turns out the show went basically as expected, so on that note, if you predicted Charlie would just sit around rehashing his Tiger Blood interviews and repeating catchphrases ad nauseum, pat yourself on the back because that’s exactly what happened which couldn’t even entertain an audience who willingly paid money to see him despite perfectly good crazy people rambling for free on the streets. TMZ reports:

We’re told Charlie called on Simon Rex for backup … sending him on stage to rap — and when that backfired they played the new track, “Winning” … which Snoop Dogg recorded for Charlie.
We’re told that got the crowd fired up … but when neither Snoop nor Charlie came out on stage they started booing again.
At that point most of the crowd started walking out — and the house lights were turned on.
We’re told Charlie did come back on stage briefly and invited the people who stayed to move up closer to the stage … but then he started complaining about his audio and walked off the stage.

Granted, I don’t feel an ounce of sympathy for a single person stupid enough to buy tickets to this thing and actually laughed when I found out Charlie told a guy who was booing, “I’ve already got your money, dude.” In fact, had Charlie just pulled a gun onstage and started indiscriminately mowing audience members down, even the most devout believer in intelligent design couldn’t deny some form of natural selection took place. Instead, these people were free to storm off to Applebee’s and talk about how funny The Hangover 2 looks because I dare you to tell me there’s not an overlap here.

However, since then, Charlie “rebooted” the show in time for Sunday’s performance just in case there were any doubts he’s pulling this thing entirely out of his ass. As of this post, there are no reports of audience members walking out – Though many already demanded refunds after Saturday’s bomb. – but apparently halfway through the show Charlie said he’s ready to go back to Two and a Half Men, which jives with an insider report from Hollywood Elsewhere earlier in the day:

“The word is from one of Charlie Sheen’s friends is that he’s in talks to return to Two & A Half Men, but along with traditional rehab he will have to write formal letters of apology to CBS, Warner Brothers and producer Chuck Lorre as well as make public statements to the same. There will be provisions in place that will ensure this doesn’t happen again during production.”

And, of course, Charlie Sheen wants his old job back: A. He’s broke. And B. He was making almost $2 million for only a few hours of wearing Hawaiian shirts and acting like a version of himself that doesn’t have his nose permanently lodged in a pile of cocaine and/or vaginas that look they gave birth a minute ago. And all he has to do to get that back is stop wearing his drug habit on his sleeve like a goddamn merit badge and accept he’s nothing more than a parrot saying lines. Or, you know, he can keep calling himself a warlock and fuck his way into the poorhouse. He’s the winner after all, and sometimes there’s nothing like a toothless hobo BJ to give you a real wake-up call. Or, in this case, declare yourself a “Rock Star from that Dumpster Behind Denny’s That Always Has Pancakes.” It’s a coin toss.

UPDATE: The second show reportedly received a standing ovation… because no one booed. Apparently the trick is to treat these things like the Special Olympics.

Photos: Splash News