Charlie Sheen Gave Ashton Kutcher Advice At The Emmys

September 19th, 2011 // 37 Comments

“Here’s my pitch boiled down to its purest essence: You hand me all the money in your wallet.”

A more remorseful and somber (Read: Broke and therefore deficient in porn stars/hookers.) Charlie Sheen has been kissing Two and a Half Men‘s ass over the past week even going so far as to say he’d love to have a cameo on the new season and wishing the show the best of luck at last night’s Emmys. He also tweeted a photo of him giving Ashton Kutcher “advice” backstage which somehow didn’t end in Charlie stabbing a hole in Ashton’s chest and climbing through the entry wound to become him. “Listen, I’m a precision flying machine, nobody’s ever gotten laid wearing a scarf. Trust me. I wear one to signal I’m in ‘Charlie Mode’ and need to repower my thermonuclear core. And what’s with the hair and beard? Are you Jesus now? No wonder your wife’s tweeting naked photos. By the way, you got anymore of those, and how’s her Bentley situation these days? Just curious.”

Photos: Getty, Twitter

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  1. Ashton Kutcher Charlie Sheen Advice Emmys
    Tsavo
    Commented on this photo:

    Charlie to Ashton: You need to get your bitch in line. Once she starts posting naked pics of her ass she’ll a random dick in there before you know it.

  2. Ashton Kutcher Charlie Sheen Advice Emmys
    Tsavo
    Commented on this photo:

    Charlie to Ashton: You need to get your bitch in line. Once she starts posting naked pics of her ass she’ll have a random dick in there before you know it.

  3. Praz

    Is Sheen trying to grab his boobs? And if Kutcher put shades on, he’d look just like Jim Carrey.

    • eatme

      Ashton Kutcher is a man whore, twitting douche. Two and a Half Men will continue on for some time because once you are at the top it takes a long time to get yanked no matter the big change plus they prob had to give Kutcher a guarantee. Fuck, fuck, fuck I hate that fucking tool.

  4. Facebook Me

    The funny part of it is the creators haven’t and will never forget what Sheen has done in the past that caused the demise of his career, at least for that show. His character is dead, dead is dead, sitcom or not. He isn’t coming back and if he did it is the making for a shitty soap opera.

    Stick a fork in this show, its done.

  5. Dude of Dudes

    “So listen Jesus. Ive got this great idea. Instead of you and those 12 other dudes and dinner. Its me, you, a table of blow, 16 midget hookers and your wife twipic’ng my balls. Solid gold right?”

  6. Frank Burns

    Sheen: “You amaze me man, amaze me! How do you do it?!? Even with tiger blood in my veins and a briefcase full of cocaine I know I couldn’t make it happen. So tell me, how do you do it, how do you go home and sleep with that old woman every night?”

  7. Looks like he’s reaching for the man boobs.

  8. JC

    This picture reeks of “the sinking realization of one’s own epic failure” and “old lady vag.” With just a hint of “cream of broccoli soup bits stuck in my beard.”

  9. karen

    From the Charlie Sheen roast on Comedy Central:

    “Charlie, you’re just like Bruce Willis — you were big in the ’80s and now your old slot is being filled by Ashton Kutcher.”

  10. If I had one piece of advice for Ashton, it would be “what the fuck is going on with your hair? You look like a homeless guy found a tux in a dumpster.”.

    Ok, that’s less advice, and more a cruel observation.

  11. slappy magoo

    Charlie: Before long, you’ll imagine Chaim Lorre’s neck in your hands…just…like…this…
    Ashton: Chuck, there are cameras running…
    Charlie: Of course, you’d think I’d threaten a man’s life if cameras WEREN’T running?

  12. zomgbie

    charlie sheen = not too desperate for attention at all.

  13. priming the prostate

    “hey man I’m tellin’ ya, whatever you do, don’t make any comments about WTC 7 being demolished with explosives – the man will fuck you up!”

  14. Advice

    Charlie is explaining the finer points of how to demean and domoralzing your co-workers and boss.

    Ashton’s being a good sport about it and listening, even though he’s a pro himself-Just ask Demi.

    :)

  15. forrest gump

    his words?
    …….COMMIT SUICIDE YOU BOY!!

  16. TheListener

    Charlie’s been on a few shows in interviews lately and he seems to have calmed down now and he looks a lot better. He’ll be fine. For a while it looked like he was having some sort of manic episode.

  17. Ashton Kutcher Charlie Sheen Advice Emmys
    Double D
    Commented on this photo:

    “Now, Jesus… tell me again what your stance is on hookers and coke. Cool with it except on Sundays?”

  18. meh

    It would be pretty awesome if he came back as a ghost to the kid, gave him advice and stuff. Can’t see it happening though.

  19. It makes sense if you think about it. The hair+beard thing, I mean…
    After Charlie’s Violent-Torpedo-of-Batshit exit, any new character being introduced to the show should make its entry at a Charles Manson level, minimum.

  20. Ashton Kutcher Charlie Sheen Advice Emmys
    Well duh
    Commented on this photo:

    “So if that kid gives you any lip on the set, just put your hands around his neck like this.”

  21. terry

    What a fucking loser! He had the best gig in town. Out of all the Brat Packers he had risen to the top of the tv food chain. He was extraordinary in Wall Street. Nearly two million an episode! You know how hard it is to get a gig like that!
    Fucking die schmuck!!!!!!!!!!!!

    • TomFrank

      You paid to see him on his “Winning” tour, didn’t you?

    • Mad Hiddy

      just so you know, the entire thing was a way for Charlie to get out of his contract because the show itself was boring him and making him miserable. In order to be free, he had to be fired. What better way to be fired than have a “mental breakdown”?

  22. Prolapsed Liver

    Awkward.

  23. Ashton Kutcher Charlie Sheen Advice Emmys
    The Pope
    Commented on this photo:

    “Emilio said they were a good handful back then, maybe yea big. But she was kinda chubby at the time. What are they like now? How’s the texture? Does she moisturize?”

  24. Ashton Kutcher Charlie Sheen Advice Emmys
    Double D
    Commented on this photo:

    “For 30 pieces of silver, Lord! I betrayed you for 30 pieces of silver!”

  25. Ashton Kutcher Charlie Sheen Advice Emmys
    Double D
    Commented on this photo:

    And the Emmy goes to… SANITY!

  26. Rick

    Kutcher’s body language says it all: Get away from me you nutjob!!!

  27. Ashton Kutcher Charlie Sheen Advice Emmys
    anonym
    Commented on this photo:

    you can tell ashton is looking down at charlie, thinking what a nutjob he is.

  28. dontkillthemessenger

    Knobby kneed hookers are for fucking, not marrying.

  29. Carolyn

    That hair and beard is not a good look.

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