I’m shooting myself in the face for that headline. Don’t worry.
When my parents watched me head out for college 16 years ago, they watched with wonder as I even went in the first place, Mom, and somehow graduated without dropping out after a year to get married, Dad. There I was, an honest-to-God college graduate with a bachelor’s degree in journalism and a wealth of opportunities ahead of me (that paid less than Applebee’s, so I just worked there). I had surpassed them in every way. Or at least I did until today when I posted photos of Ben Affleck‘s ass crack to the Internet, so fuck it, you win. You guys win. College is bullshit. I don’t even remember what I learned there, and it still feels funny when I pee. Can I sleep in your bed?