Archive for the ‘Hot Bodies’ Category

Brad Pitt & Angelina Jolie Are Married

August 28th, 2014 // 20 Comments
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Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie have been together for nine years, the bulk of which they’ve spent as parents to six children. But what they don’t have a is a legal document that makes it a gigantic pain in the ass to break up, so their love has basically been meaningless horseshit if it even counts as love at all. Fortunately, they fixed all that by secretly getting married in France over the weekend, and then surprising all of us with the news this morning because thanks to their omnipotent vantage point from Marriage Mountain, they could tell we needed a light to guide us out of the darkness. I heard Angelina Jolie even transformed into a dove. The AP reports:

Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt were married Saturday in the French hamlet of Correns, a spokesman for the couple says.
Jolie and Pitt wed in a small chapel in a private ceremony attended by family and friends at Provence’s Chateau Miraval. In advance of the nondenominational civil ceremony, Pitt and Jolie obtained a marriage license from a local California judge. The judge also conducted the ceremony in France.
The couple’s children took part in the wedding. Jolie walked the aisle with her eldest sons Maddox and Pax. Zahara and Vivienne threw flower petals. Shiloh and Knox served as ring bearers, the spokesman says.

When asked what prompted them to finally walk down the aisle, the spokesperson replied, “Honestly, I think both of them are hoping this will finally kill the other. If I had to put a label on it.”

Photos: Fame/Flynet, Getty

Good Morning, Katy Perry, And Other News

August 28th, 2014 // 25 Comments

- Justin Theroux’s Penis: A discussion. [Lainey Gossip]

- Jennifer Aniston doesn’t need kids to be valued as a woman. Which is true. It’s about breast size. [Dlisted]

- Redheads travel in packs? Perfect… [theCHIVE]

- LeAnn Rimes is a rapist. Her words, not mine. [Fishwrapper]

- What the NRA was tweeting after a 9-year-old killed an instructor with an Uzi. [Death And Taxes]

- Pandas. They’re just like us. [The Frisky]

- Goddamn, Arianny Celeste and Brittney Palmer. [WWTDD]

- Megan Fox‘s ass threw out a first pitch. [Popoholic]

- Joke about Blue Ivy at your own peril. [Starpulse]

- Victoria Justice twerking her ass like Nicki Minaj. [tooFab]

- “Why can’t Putin be our president?” FOX News, everybody. [The Daily Banter]

- I’m suddenly very interested in Ice Bucket Challenges again. [Hollywood Tuna]

- Anastasia Ashley‘s ass is still awesome. [DrunkenStepfather: Site is NSFW]

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Photos: CYVR/AKM-GSI

Kanye West: ‘My Dad Was A Paparazzo’

August 27th, 2014 // 16 Comments
Beyonce Is Beneath Kim
Beyonce VMAs
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“Why does one of them keep yelling, ‘I just want to see my granddaughter!’ instead of taking pictures of my tits? Kanye? — Kanye?

So remember in The Empire Strikes Back when everyone finds out Darth Vader is Luke’s father? This is sort of like that except way, way stupider because only hands got cut off in Empire instead of tone-deaf accusations of being treated like a pre-civil-rights African-American. TMZ reports:

During deposition for the suit filed by Daniel Ramos … Kanye told Ramos’ attorney, “My father was a paparazzo himself.” He added that his parents didn’t raise him to “be out here wrestling with random paparazzi in front of LAX.”
Kanye said he respects some of the paparazzi and gets along with them from time to time, but accused Ramos of asking him about “dumb s**t.”

And if there’s one person who should be the arbiter of what constitutes “dumb shit,” it’s the man who called Kim Kardashian his “dinosaur” and equates getting his picture taken with forced sexual intercourse. That’s a level of intelligence you don’t just fire random questions at. His mind’s a fine-tuned instrument that should only be used on the most next level of shit. And you’re damn right I’m talking about leather jogging pants. They’re jogging pants made out of leather.

Photos: Splash News

Nina Dobrev’s In A Bikini, Probably Banging Alexander Ludwig

August 27th, 2014 // 6 Comments

My knowledge of Nina Dobrev pretty much starts and ends with she’s on not-True Blood, and I had to Google who the hell Alexander Ludwig even is. So here’s the two of them together because this site is a goddamn collision course of superstar fame provided there are butt photos. On that note, I don’t know what else you expect me to add here, but if it’s Ian Somerhalder holding a cat, you’re barking up the tree. — It’s over here. He truly, genuinely loves them. You can really tell.

Photos: FameFlynet

No, Wait, Megan Fox, South Korea’s On Our Side!

August 27th, 2014 // 9 Comments

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles is an epic shitbomb of pure fuck-dumb, so here’s Megan Fox dropping it on South Korea yesterday because who needs allies? Amirite? That whole North Korea thing will probably sort itself out. Plus we’re still holding all the Dennis Rodmans. I dare anyone to defy us.

Photos: Getty

Kim Kardashian Doesn’t Have Time For Beyonce

August 27th, 2014 // 21 Comments

We already know Kim Kardashian checked her phone during the Ferguson moment of silence at the VMAs and now comes word that she bailed before Beyonce‘s acceptance speech which, judging by the Internet’s reaction to Beyonce’s performance, practically makes Kim Hitler now. Assy Hitler. Hollywood Life reports:

An eyewitness source who attended the VMAs tells HollywoodLife.com EXCLUSIVELY, “I saw them leave before Beyonce started her speech. They were checked out for the whole show. They left right before she talked and Jay Z arrived to give her the award.”

According to Celebuzz, apparently Kim is so over Beyonce now because she bailed on her wedding and doesn’t think Jay Z‘s worthy to be friends with Kanye. Which is odd considering Kim’s done everything in her power just to sniff Beyonce’s hair and even made it into a blurry concert pic with her. So to give up now when she’s so close to locking her in an old refrigerator and drinking her blood (Can you tell I’ve been watching Luther?) just reinforces what I’ve always said about the Kardashians: Let me know when Kylie’s 18. They’re lazy. Pure lazy.

Photos: Getty

Rita Ora & Kristin Cavallari Deserved Better

August 26th, 2014 // 8 Comments

Yesterday, our server basically burst into flames, fucking a giant hole in our day and causing us to scramble to post what we could, when we could. So lost in that mix were Rita Ora and Kristin Cavallari who both showed up in small doses, but really deserved their own galleries because Jesus Christ. So here’s us righting that wrong and attempting to atone for putting Lena Dunham in the Emmys gallery. That was uncalled for. You have children, for God’s sake, we know.

Photos: Fame/Flynet, MPNC/AKM-GSI, Splash News

Miley Cyrus’ Date To The VMAs Isn’t Exactly Homeless

August 26th, 2014 // 50 Comments
It Could've Been Worse
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Most people consider homeless to mean poor, destitute, no place to turn to. So when Miley Cyrus brought a “homeless” date to the VMAs, it was just assumed that she picked this poor guy up off the streets where poverty had left him. Turns out he’s a struggling model whose mom says he can come home anytime he wants. Whoops. The Daily Mail reports:

Speaking from her home in Salem, Mrs Helt, mother to Jesse’s three brothers and sister, added Jesse chose to ‘go it alone’ and chase his dreams.
She said: ‘He wanted to be in Los Angeles and he had opportunities and he took them, but you know, he’s had his ups and downs like anybody else.
‘It was his choice, he was always welcome, he could always come back any time. If he needed help, I’d help him, we help one another,’ she added.

And if you’re about to say this is nitpicking, go ahead and ask a real homeless person what they’d do just to sleep in a clean bed let alone after a home-cooked meal because I’m pretty sure they’d apologize to their mom for doing drugs and breaking into houses in a heartbeat. In fact, they’d probably say, “Wait, that’s it?!” before stabbing you with a tin can for actually thinking they’d be stupid enough to pass that up. Goddammit.

Photos: Instagram / Getty