If You Didn’t Like Carrie Underwood In ‘The Sound of Music,’ You Need Jesus

“But, captain, I don’t understand. If your wife claims to be a bisexual, yet wedded herself to you, then what was the purpose of even mentioning said information after the fact if not for attention itself?”
“Haha! Oh, Maria.”

Carrie Underwood had been doing so well in her quest not to be an uptight Christian bag of judgment to the point that she even supported gay marriage while her fans called her Satan’s whore. But that was before everyone hated her performance in NBC’s live production of The Sound of Music including the Von Trapp family who I didn’t know were real and very openly had their hearts set on Anne Hathaway even after all that pussy business. So here’s Carrie reverting back to natural instinct by revealing her critics are on a path to Hell:

Plain and simple: Mean people need Jesus. They will be in my prayers tonight… 1 Peter 2:1-25

Keep in mind, that 1 Peter 2:1 – 25 is not just one bible verse, but twenty-fucking-five which is apparently the amount Carrie Underwood felt everyone should read who didn’t like her pretending to be a singing nun who bangs a Nazi general. (Easy, Tila Tequila, easy…) So to help her out, here it is in its entirety, so that you might know the sinful nature of your ways and drink Jesus like breast milk if I’m reading this right:

Therefore, rid yourselves of all malice and all deceit, hypocrisy, envy, and slander of every kind. Like newborn babies, crave pure spiritual milk, so that by it you may grow up in your salvation, now that you have tasted that the Lord is good.

The Living Stone and a Chosen People

As you come to him, the living Stone – rejected by humans but chosen by God and precious to him – you also, like living stones, are being built into a spiritual house to be a holy priesthood, offering spiritual sacrifices acceptable to God through Jesus Christ. For in Scripture it says:

“See, I lay a stone in Zion,
a chosen and precious cornerstone,
and the one who trusts in him
will never be put to shame.”

Now to you who believe, this stone is precious. But to those who do not believe,

“The stone the builders rejected
has become the cornerstone,”


“A stone that causes people to stumble
and a rock that makes them fall.”

They stumble because they disobey the message – which is also what they were destined for.

But you are a chosen people, a royal priesthood, a holy nation, God’s special possession, that you may declare the praises of him who called you out of darkness into his wonderful light. Once you were not a people, but now you are the people of God; once you had not received mercy, but now you have received mercy.

Living Godly Lives in a Pagan Society

Dear friends, I urge you, as foreigners and exiles, to abstain from sinful desires, which wage war against your soul. Live such good lives among the pagans that, though they accuse you of doing wrong, they may see your good deeds and glorify God on the day he visits us.

Submit yourselves for the Lord’s sake to every human authority: whether to the emperor, as the supreme authority, or to governors, who are sent by him to punish those who do wrong and to commend those who do right. For it is God’s will that by doing good you should silence the ignorant talk of foolish people. Live as free people, but do not use your freedom as a cover-up for evil; live as God’s slaves. Show proper respect to everyone, love the family of believers, fear God, honor the emperor.

Slaves, in reverent fear of God submit yourselves to your masters, not only to those who are good and considerate, but also to those who are harsh. For it is commendable if someone bears up under the pain of unjust suffering because they are conscious of God. But how is it to your credit if you receive a beating for doing wrong and endure it? But if you suffer for doing good and you endure it, this is commendable before God. To this you were called, because Christ suffered for you, leaving you an example, that you should follow in his steps.

“He committed no sin,
and no deceit was found in his mouth.”

When they hurled their insults at him, he did not retaliate; when he suffered, he made no threats. Instead, he entrusted himself to him who judges justly. “He himself bore our sins” in his body on the cross, so that we might die to sins and live for righteousness; “by his wounds you have been healed.” For “you were like sheep going astray,” but now you have returned to the Shepherd and Overseer of your souls.

See? Simple stuff. Drink Jesus’ tit milk, turn into stones, never question the government, don’t complain if you’re a slave, and everyone around you, who are all obviously pagans, will go, “Well, holy shit, look at you.” And that’s how you stop people from being shitty on the Internet. I’m amazed I didn’t think of it first.

Photos: Splash News