If You Didn’t Like Carrie Underwood In ‘The Sound of Music,’ You Need Jesus

December 9th, 2013 // 26 Comments
Did Someone Say Jesus?
Sarah Palin
I Will Plug This Every Chance I Get. Suck It. Read More »

“But, captain, I don’t understand. If your wife claims to be a bisexual, yet wedded herself to you, then what was the purpose of even mentioning said information after the fact if not for attention itself?”
“Haha! Oh, Maria.”

Carrie Underwood had been doing so well in her quest not to be an uptight Christian bag of judgment to the point that she even supported gay marriage while her fans called her Satan’s whore. But that was before everyone hated her performance in NBC’s live production of The Sound of Music including the Von Trapp family who I didn’t know were real and very openly had their hearts set on Anne Hathaway even after all that pussy business. So here’s Carrie reverting back to natural instinct by revealing her critics are on a path to Hell:

Plain and simple: Mean people need Jesus. They will be in my prayers tonight… 1 Peter 2:1-25

Keep in mind, that 1 Peter 2:1 – 25 is not just one bible verse, but twenty-fucking-five which is apparently the amount Carrie Underwood felt everyone should read who didn’t like her pretending to be a singing nun who bangs a Nazi general. (Easy, Tila Tequila, easy…) So to help her out, here it is in its entirety, so that you might know the sinful nature of your ways and drink Jesus like breast milk if I’m reading this right:

Therefore, rid yourselves of all malice and all deceit, hypocrisy, envy, and slander of every kind. Like newborn babies, crave pure spiritual milk, so that by it you may grow up in your salvation, now that you have tasted that the Lord is good.

The Living Stone and a Chosen People

As you come to him, the living Stone – rejected by humans but chosen by God and precious to him – you also, like living stones, are being built into a spiritual house to be a holy priesthood, offering spiritual sacrifices acceptable to God through Jesus Christ. For in Scripture it says:

“See, I lay a stone in Zion,
a chosen and precious cornerstone,
and the one who trusts in him
will never be put to shame.”

Now to you who believe, this stone is precious. But to those who do not believe,

“The stone the builders rejected
has become the cornerstone,”

and,

“A stone that causes people to stumble
and a rock that makes them fall.”

They stumble because they disobey the message – which is also what they were destined for.

But you are a chosen people, a royal priesthood, a holy nation, God’s special possession, that you may declare the praises of him who called you out of darkness into his wonderful light. Once you were not a people, but now you are the people of God; once you had not received mercy, but now you have received mercy.

Living Godly Lives in a Pagan Society

Dear friends, I urge you, as foreigners and exiles, to abstain from sinful desires, which wage war against your soul. Live such good lives among the pagans that, though they accuse you of doing wrong, they may see your good deeds and glorify God on the day he visits us.

Submit yourselves for the Lord’s sake to every human authority: whether to the emperor, as the supreme authority, or to governors, who are sent by him to punish those who do wrong and to commend those who do right. For it is God’s will that by doing good you should silence the ignorant talk of foolish people. Live as free people, but do not use your freedom as a cover-up for evil; live as God’s slaves. Show proper respect to everyone, love the family of believers, fear God, honor the emperor.

Slaves, in reverent fear of God submit yourselves to your masters, not only to those who are good and considerate, but also to those who are harsh. For it is commendable if someone bears up under the pain of unjust suffering because they are conscious of God. But how is it to your credit if you receive a beating for doing wrong and endure it? But if you suffer for doing good and you endure it, this is commendable before God. To this you were called, because Christ suffered for you, leaving you an example, that you should follow in his steps.

“He committed no sin,
and no deceit was found in his mouth.”

When they hurled their insults at him, he did not retaliate; when he suffered, he made no threats. Instead, he entrusted himself to him who judges justly. “He himself bore our sins” in his body on the cross, so that we might die to sins and live for righteousness; “by his wounds you have been healed.” For “you were like sheep going astray,” but now you have returned to the Shepherd and Overseer of your souls.

See? Simple stuff. Drink Jesus’ tit milk, turn into stones, never question the government, don’t complain if you’re a slave, and everyone around you, who are all obviously pagans, will go, “Well, holy shit, look at you.” And that’s how you stop people from being shitty on the Internet. I’m amazed I didn’t think of it first.

Photos: Splash News

superficial

  1. Dox

    There are so many mixed metaphors in that…. I don’t even know where to begin. Are you sure Tila Tequila didn’t write that on her blog?

  2. Fun Fact: The Southern Baptist Convention used the following part of Peter to justify the keeping of slaves for over 100 years:
    Slaves, in reverent fear of God submit yourselves to your masters, not only to those who are good and considerate, but also to those who are harsh.

  3. I have no time to read bible verses. I’ve got sinning to do!

    • Deacon Jones

      You clearly have not heard of Mike 2.1, Daniel subchapter 34

      ‘AND THOU HAST NOT WASTE TISSUE PAPER OF THY COTTON PLANT ON THE BILLIONS OF SPAWN. SPAWN, WASTED IN AN INSTANT, FOR THE DEVIANT GRATIFICATION OF “THE ONE-EYED DEVIL”!

  4. I don’t need Jesus. I need NBC to stop preempting Parks And Rec for every awful idea they have. Although if the power of prayer will get Community back on…..

  5. Juch

    Not only is the Von Trapp family real, on their first visit to America, they got locked up on Ellis Island for implying they were going to stay rather than visit. That’s right, pasty white folk got locked up in the latter-day Guatanamo for an immigration investigation. Thanks a lot, Obamacare!

  6. I have to give her credit here – next time somebody starts shit with me, I’ll drop a couple dozen chapters of the Bible on them to read. By the time they’re done wading through all that shit, they’ll have forgotten what they were pissed at me about, or I’ll be long gone. Like throwing handfulls of beans at a Vampire!

  7. Carrie Underwood Bikini
    The P-licker
    Commented on this photo:

    I would eat that snatch like a fresh peach

  8. The Power of Christ compels you!

  9. Convex

    Yeah, she’s too easy a target; earnest, over-achievers always are. She never claimed to be an actress. It was her voice, and her fearlessness about performing live, that made them cast her. I give her huge props for having the stones to take it on.

  10. Carrie Underwood Bikini
    Commented on this photo:

    o/~ “The hills are alive…with the mounds of pubic” o/~

  11. J-Dizzle

    The shrills are alive… with the sound of mucus!!

  12. The Hills are Alive!

    how do you solve a problem like Maria? You trick the bitch out, and if she doesn’t bring home enough, drop her off the 4th street overpass in east saint.

  13. Jenn

    Shut up, Carrie, Jesus doesn’t like crybabies. Try Yeezus, he’ll take any old thang.

  14. argleblargle

    Her voice in this kind of sounded like Miss Piggy as Maria. No hate, I love the muppets, but it was confusing. Why were there so many people and no muppets in this muppet special? Blind children probably really enjoyed it.

  15. Dorian

    “Plain and simple: Mean people need Jesus. They will be in my prayers tonight… 1 Peter 2:1-25″ Oh! this explains why all Republicans are so friendly and accepting.

  16. Carrie Underwood Bikini
    Julie
    Commented on this photo:

    I would pack her fudge.

  17. asd

    carrie should do porn where jesus fucks her in the ass while satan pummels her throat with his evil dick

  18. Carrie Underwood Bikini
    grant hoss
    Commented on this photo:

    she has a nice vagina

  19. Carrie Underwood Bikini
    grant hoss
    Commented on this photo:

    any haters wanno speak up……….hahahahahah

  20. Carrie Underwood Bikini
    grant hoss
    Commented on this photo:

    who ever thinks carrie underwoods hot.Please Comment in 2 mins?

  21. Carrie Underwood Bikini
    jer
    Commented on this photo:

    sexy stomach

Leave A Comment