Happy Birthday, America, You Fat Dumb Bastard

July 4th, 2014 // 77 Comments
Captain America Statistics Song
WATCH: Captain America Statistics Song!

In honor of America’s proud tradition of making things go “BOOM” to celebrate our independence from a country that far surpasses us in health care, education, gun control, you name it, The Superficial will be off today because a paid holiday’s a paid holiday no matter whose bullshit birthday it is. (What’s up, Jesus?) So we’ll be back Monday, but if you hate your friends, family, or just human contact in general, you can check out our possibly more industrious link partners below and/or dick around with me on Facebook and Twitter where I’m sure I’ll be after my parents bring up Hobby Lobby, and I respond by shoving a live M-80 in my face. #USA

Lainey Gossip | Dlisted | theCHIVE | Fishwrapper | The Frisky | WWTDD | Popoholic | Starpulse
tooFab | IDLYITW | Hollywood Tuna | Celebslam | DrunkenStepfather

THE SUPERFICIAL | AboutFacebookTwitter

superficial

  1. Make it an M200 and put it in your mouth. Good times.

  2. I’ll give you the health care point, but given what I’ve seen of England, the education system there is no better than ours. And what they lack in guns they make up for in knives and numbers of thugs that will break a bottle over your head for no reason. And Simon Cowell.

  3. Nice tribute to the old Marvel Super Heroes TV show BUT IT STILL LEFT OUT THE SUB-MARINER.

  4. Man, these Animation Domination videos are awesome. So long, morning productivity!

    Oh, and happy 166th anniversary of Marx and Engels’ “Communist Manifesto”!

  5. YWFN

    You’re an idiot liberal who has no sense of what history or freedom is. Don’t die this weekend, asshole.

    • Dox

      I am curious. Is this the same sense of history that supported slavery during the fight for “freedom from tyranny”? How about the genocidal war and land theft against the Native Americans? How about the interference, and puppet government that was set up in Iran…. or Iraq?

      I think quite a few of us are aware of what “freedom” is. We enjoy, and celebrate the ability to speak our minds, and disagree on subjects. That does not force us to turn a blind eye to the misdeeds of our country, or the obvious and blatant manipulation of the public this country foists off as “patriotism”.
      I fought, and bled for this country. I earned my right to speak my mind, to become disillusioned and jaded, and to try and build something better.

      I guess the real difference here is, I don’t wish for you or any other person to die. I just wish you would wake up, see the truth for what it is, and be willing to work towards a better world. One that doesn’t include blind patriotism.

  6. I’m currently a professor in the U.S., having been educated in Ireland and England. I love the U.S., but, I must tell you, your education system IS vastly inferior to the U.K.’s (and Ireland’s). I’m teaching a 300-level course at a “respectable” university, and many (50+%) of my students come to me in their penultimate or final year unable to write what would be recognised as actual sentences. We are talking about not knowing the stuff taught at elementary schools in the U.K. Having taught elsewhere in the U.S., it’s not just a regional problem.

    A crushing lack of awareness about wider world events is also evident, often even among those with natural writing ability, and it’s clear that these kids are being screwed from federal level down to local level. It’s very concerning, and the rise of administration positions within universities and schools at the expense of those institutions’ students is becoming a real problem too, with douchebag (and often dumb) administrators getting paid 75-100k+, where they milk universities as a career (and create other non-positions). A good example of this was the building of a $250,000 decorative wall at my university recently, despite the university not having had any new books in the library for over 5 years (and, in my subject, 20 years).

    • A Realist

      Yeah, AND people don’t know the difference between Gotham and Metropolis!

    • Short Round

      Sadly, the American educational system is shit and – in my opinion – done so on purpose. The American elite doesn’t want educated people. Dumb people are easier to controll. They no longer need smart Americans in their companies either. If needed they can import the grey matter from China or India. Or better yet take their R&D facilities to these countries – manufacturing is already there – and make those well educated people do the work for peanuts. Win-win… for them.

      The problem with this is that once cheaply manufactured they want to bring their products back to America to sell at a high price. But since they exported all the high paying jobs to other countries there are less and less people to buy them. Damaging their own pockets not to mention the country. For now the increasing demand in China can take up the slack. But sooner or later China will go into a recession too. Then who will buy their products not to mention live somehow? Because the American people will still have to live in America.

    • You can’t understate the value that a decorative wall brings to the students’ self-esteem, which is all that matters in today’s America.

      From Despair.com…

      “Self-esteem: It takes genuine talent to see greatness in yourself despite your absence of genuine talent.”

    • Mike Walker

      >despite the university not having had any new books in the
      > library for over 5 years (and, in my subject, 20 years).

      I’m calling bullshit on this. Which university and which department?

      • Mike,

        It’s a regional state research university in the deep south. I’m being entirely truthful about the books: we have a really decent selection of books in my subject (English) up until around 1990-5, and then it just stops. We rely entirely on Interlibrary Loan for the post-1995 books, and our students routinely have to borrow login details from student friends at our bigger state university for a lot of journal access. It’s pretty embarrassing, to be honest, and we are touch-and-go now with accreditation (and that’s why I can’t state the name of the institution here).

        I teach in the English Department (which isn’t just literature, but composition as well). The latter is where the main problems occur, mostly because of grade inflation and a unwillingness from professors to fail their students in Comp 101, leading to the situation in the class I’m currently teaching (Advanced Composition), where I’m supposed to be covering advanced rhetoric, but am instead covering run-ons, fragments, basic essay structure, etc.

        Not offended by your doubt, don’t worry. I get it – I’d doubt it too if I wasn’t involved in it.

      • I graded papers last semester for an early American history course at a CSU and found most of the essays incoherent. American students write like ESL students now, and no one cares. If I factored in grammar, spelling, essay and sentence structure, 80% of my class of two-hundred students would have failed.

      • Grammar Police

        I’m an ESL teacher and my students leave our school writing and speaking English much better than the majority of American born citizens. In fact, I frequently have to explain how stupid we are as a nation when we come across billboards / signs / important documents that misspell simple common words and/or display abysmal punctuation. Seriously people…it’s / its?

      • One conclusion we can draw here is that English professors like tits.

      • Sadly, a good chunk of America thinks the plural is actually tit’s.

      • Grammar Police

        Actually, I’m a straight female and believe it or not, I come here for Fish’s writing. Oh, and celebrity mental breakdowns. I live in Hawaii which might as well be Vegas for the tit showcasing, if I were into such things.

      • http://www.independent.co.uk/student/news/british-education-in-crisis-literacy-and-numeracy-skills-of-young-people-in-uk-among-lowest-in-developed-world-8866117.html

        Information posted downthread.

        It contradicts the “UK has better schools than the US” argument you’re making. In memory yet green and all that….

      • Veronika,

        Certainly not discounting some of the data in that study. However, I think what I see when I teach is impact of the difference in educational structure, and the idea of the net being late: in the U.K. we have the movement from Key Stage 3 exams (14 y/o) -> GCSE exams (16 y/o) -> A-Level exams (17-18 y/o), that movement reflecting a gradual specialisation within the U.K. educational system where, by 16, students are already into the associates part of the corresponding American freshman level. At 17, in the U.K., you’ll have already picked 3-4 subjects (down from the GCSE’s 9-10), and, by the Summer of your final year at secondary school will know what you will take as an *undistracted* degree course at university. That is if you make it past the GCSEs, the failure of which will stop your progress to A-Level. I found the GCSEs pretty tough, to be perfectly honest; having several weeks of those multi-disciplinary examinations was easily the most stressful academic experience I have had.

        There’s an argument often made that students here in the U.S. are essentially two years behind Europeans when they start university, which is why you have two years of (catch-up?) generalised study, followed by two years of majoring. Both systems should work, of course, and the hot-house of those first two years of college-level work should bridge any gap, but in reality I find that the generalised requirements students face are increasingly being treated as hoops to jump through. The problem is often with who is holding the hoops. With the added pressure of the rising consumer status of students here in the U.S., together with the idea that failing college is an unacceptable anomaly, underpaid professors (many of them adjuncts making $2000 for a 16-week class) do push through kids who shouldn’t have been pushed through to sophomore level; they push them through because the mechanism of graduation rates is heavily and mistakenly used to determine the brilliance of the college, and they push them through because it’s easier to give a “C” ahead of sitting down, trawling through multiple essays, and demonstrating beyond doubt the ways in which an “okay” essay still isn’t just okay enough to warrant that “C”. The problem gets kicked on to me, or another professor, and then students wonder why a “B” or “C” at 101 might seemingly magically transform into a “D” or “F” in a later class. The previous university I worked at in Florida had a far better handle on this than my present university, but was still having to introduce more remedial English classes.

        I had a student speak to me yesterday about how he finally understood his score of 7/100 for an unfinished, terrible draft. He told me that he hadn’t been checked through his whole university career by anybody, and I think that goes to the core of what I’m saying about the idea of inferiority – there’s a kind of accepted mirage here at points where a small flash of ability in an essay is often allowed to determine the whole. He’s an able student, but his laziness would have already caught in the U.K. system at 11+ level, Key Stage 3, and then again at GCSE. Failure in the core subjects of English/Maths at the level will, as I said, end your university chances at 16. It’s harsh, yes, and it disproportionately affects lower-income students (of which I was one), but it’s much harder to fool the tri-gamut of the Key Stage 3s, the GCSEs, and A-Levels, than it is to fool the one-stop shop of the SATs. I’d argue that 50% of the students in my class should not have passed the literacy component of the SATs, and I know for a fact that a good proportion of that 50% would not have made it to university in the U.K.

      • *I mean “associate” degree.

      • I agree that the US takes a more democratic approach to college admission while the UK winnows people out early. Hence, at university the Brits would tend to outshine the Americans because the poor writers have already been gated. But I thought we were discussing secondary education as well as post-secondary?

        I attended both US and UK schools at the secondary level (yes, I wore a British school uniform). One thing I did notice was that composition was stressed more in the British schools and that my British classmates were better writers than my American classmates. However, neither group was what you’d call brilliant at maths.

        And I hated wearing a school uniform. It did nothing to improve my brain. The British need to stop that and let people wear their own clothes.

      • Plenty of US schools still require uniforms.

      • karen

        I love how the argument is about two of the lowest-scoring countries in the developed world, according to the linked study. It’s a debate about which country fails better.

      • That said, “failing better” is perhaps the difference between the majority of students writing coherent sentences and the majority of students not writing those coherent sentences. With the former, I have something to work with; with the latter, well that requires widespread remedial help, and that’s also a major funding issue to provide those classes, when (and you’re right) they shouldn’t have to be provided to any sort of major extent in the first place.

        I was more talking about the structure behind the U.K. system that ensures the university level is for those who meet a certain minimum standard of literacy. Don’t get me wrong, I’m all for more and more of the population getting a university education, especially if, at that crucial stage of their lives, they are given the complex critical-thinking skills they need to help their own children push forward.

        I remember having a history teacher who told us on our first day of our A-Level study (at 17) that the structural basis of everything he told us up until that point was, to some extent, incorrect; that history was more complex than facts, that history was full of its own paradoxical opinions, and that our role was to negotiate that in a way that bare facts could not be negotiated. That’s the difference that these kids should be getting at that age, instead of still struggling with basic sentences…

  7. John

    If I hated the country in which I lived that bad, I would renounce my citizenship and move.

    • Cat Wolf

      How does the facts presented here with actual statistics and numbers = hate?

      …Asked the veteran who served this country, but also went to school in Canada? I must be aghast – UN-AMERICAN!!!

      • Because telling people the truth is considered a hateful act in this bullshit world.

        If you don’t like people pointing out that you’re fucking up, John, maybe you should do better.

      • It’s part of the “America: Love It or Leave It” attitude. Personally, I’m in the “America: Love It and Improve It” camp, but I think that puts me on some watchlist somewhere.

      • The 0bama camp is the “America – hate it and destroy it” camp.

      • Really, now? Can you identify any significant policy differences between the Bush and Obama administrations?
        (…sound of crickets…)

      • Dox

        @pavement:
        Yeah…. there was the closing of Guantanamo…… wait…. they never got around to that…. right, oh yeah… It was the banning of the use of drones to arbitrarily assassinate people with no judicial oversight…. what? Still there? Oh yeah, I remember, it was the dissolution of the Patriot Act…. oh ffs, really?
        How about the end of the Iraq war, and peace for the Iraqi people?…… common, seriously? I got it!

        The ACA, where the President helped to craft a well put together bi-partisan bill to curb the costs of health care and lower the costs of insurance rates so everyone in this country could have an opportunity to afford health ca……

        Fuck it. I give up. Same shit, different person.

        Maybe one day people will realize it isn’t the party that’s in office that’s the problem.

        But the system that keeps churning shit like this out, as if it can pass as governance.

      • well, pavement, how about Islamists on the rise throughout the world, 0bama-sponsored and planned illegal entry into America, IRS cheating, gun running to Islamists, billions of dollars of US weapons given to Islamists… those crickets are probably in your head, by the way. Apparently they like damp, moist locations.

      • Except none of those things you’re ranting about are actually true, you lunatic cockbat.

      • @pavement_smear: I meant to give that first comment a Thumbs Up instead of Down. I wish this software let us reverse our ratings.

        Anyway, amen. Everything can be improved. Refusing to do so will lead to stagnancy, and eventually, decay. However, remedying things like illiteracy and infant mortality requires first acknowledging them as *problems*, which is apparently controversial in some parts.

  8. Apparently a lot of people woke up on the wrong side of the hemisphere today. Everybody unclench and let your bowels flow freely.

  9. Idiot. If you don’t like America, why live here, work here and take part of it’s capitalism?

    Quit knocking America. Knock all the fucking illegal aliens pouring over the borders, all the drug pushers and the govt trying to push the man down.

  10. phil

    Haha, oh man this website has gone down hill.

    • I know. I blame all the shitlords in the comments who keep bitching about the site going downhill (one word, by the way; this tip is provided to you free of cost) and harshing everyone’s mellow.

  11. Freedom makes people angry. I can live with that. I have so many amazing firearms that just the sight of my collection infuriates some people. The cries of people that are super angry that they cant control me rings like freedom in my ears.

    The 4th of July makes some people angry and that I love that.

  12. Johnny Barbells

    …and, on a completely related tangent: “trip tank” was funny as shit!!! i hope they bring it back…

    • Johnny Barbells

      …and to all the people here responding with the tired ol’ cliche; “you hate ‘merikuh” …aside from the fact that i really don’t understand why you all still come to this site every single day instead of just going to another one of the 8,000 celeb titty sites out there (oh, that’s right; “it’s my right!!!”), it’s painfully obvious that you’re not capable of understanding the deeper point:
      A) we libtards freakin’ LOVE america, we simply want her to live up to her potential for greatness instead of languishing in mediocrity!
      B) it is not just our right, it is our duty to criticize and dissent, to hold america’s feet to the fire and call her out on her bullshit so that she’ll get her shit together …just ask any of the founding fathers …it’s actually you “america: love it or leave it” types, the ones who do nothing but act as rabid cheerleaders & not hold america accountable, you’re the ones who are doing this country a grave disservice, enabling the kind of decline that was listed in the video …but you’re too deluded to even understand that …so, just go shove one more hot-dog into your already swollen gut, because; “freedom!”

  13. Dan

    This site was so much better when you stuck to dicks and tits. The force feeding of your liberal horse shit is getting really old.

    • Months of searching for tits – and you still can’t seem to find either them or the door, huh, Dan?

    • Dan? Sweetie? Honey? You clicked the fucking link and read the goddamn story, you disingenuous, hypocritical schmuck. And you did it because you love the feeling of your rage boner. You can’t complain about being “force fed” something when you dove onto that cock, mouth gaping.

      • I note how quick you lefty dumbfucks are to go to the gay accusations. It’s just too fun. Reminds us how full of it you are.
        Dan is right, this site is at its most spastic when the editors make brain-dead anti-U.S. comments. Really makes them look like shit.

  14. “In a time of universal deceit – telling the truth is a revolutionary act.”–George Orwell

    American schools are bad on purpose, yet the USA has some of the world’s leading universities. If you walk into the schools that teach the children of the country’s elite, you won’t find them using dusty, outdated libraries nor will you find them hunched over standardised tests.

    With all due respect for Professor Doody, his/her memory of a better, brighter UK does not reflect the reality in today’s United Kingdom:

    “Young people in the UK lag behind most of the Western world in their mastering of the basic skills of literacy, numeracy and IT, according to an influential study published today.

    The report, by the Organisation for Economic Co-operation and Development, shows there has been no improvement in performance in the basic between today’s 16 to 24-year-olds and their grandparents’ age (55 to 65-year-olds).

    Indeed, they are the only ones in the western world to fare worse than their older peers in the tests in the basics.”

    The report concludes: “In England, adults aged 55 to 65 perform better than 16 to 24-year-olds in both literacy and numeracy. “In fact, England is the only country where the oldest age group has higher proficiency in both literacy and numeracy than the youngest age group after other factors, such as gender, socio-economic backgrounds and type occupations, are taken into account.

    http://www.independent.co.uk/student/news/british-education-in-crisis-literacy-and-numeracy-skills-of-young-people-in-uk-among-lowest-in-developed-world-8866117.html

    • Veronika,

      Certainly not discounting some of the data in that study. However, I think what I see when I teach is impact of the difference in educational structure, and the idea of the net being late: in the U.K. we have the movement from Key Stage 3 exams (14 y/o) -> GCSE exams (16 y/o) -> A-Level exams (17-18 y/o), that movement reflecting a gradual specialisation within the U.K. educational system where, by 16, students are already into the associates part of the corresponding American freshman level. At 17, in the U.K., you’ll have already picked 3-4 subjects (down from the GCSE’s 9-10), and, by the Summer of your final year at secondary school will know what you will take as an *undistracted* degree course at university. That is if you make it past the GCSEs, the failure of which will stop your progress to A-Level. I found the GCSEs pretty tough, to be perfectly honest; having several weeks of those multi-disciplinary examinations was easily the most stressful academic experience I have had.

      There’s an argument often made that students here in the U.S. are essentially two years behind Europeans when they start university, which is why you have two years of (catch-up?) generalised study, followed by two years of majoring. Both systems should work, of course, and the hot-house of those first two years of college-level work should bridge any gap, but in reality I find that the generalised requirements students face are increasingly being treated as hoops to jump through. The problem is often with who is holding the hoops. With the added pressure of the rising consumer status of students here in the U.S., together with the idea that failing college is an unacceptable anomaly, underpaid professors (many of them adjuncts making $2000 for a 16-week class) do push through kids who shouldn’t have been pushed through to sophomore level; they push them through because the mechanism of graduation rates is heavily and mistakenly used to determine the brilliance of the college, and they push them through because it’s easier to give a “C” ahead of sitting down, trawling through multiple essays, and demonstrating beyond doubt the ways in which an “okay” essay still isn’t just okay enough to warrant that “C”. The problem gets kicked on to me, or another professor, and then students wonder why a “B” or “C” at 101 might seemingly magically transform into a “D” or “F” in a later class. The previous university I worked at in Florida had a far better handle on this than my present university, but was still having to introduce more remedial English classes.

      I had a student speak to me yesterday about how he finally understood his score of 7/100 for an unfinished, terrible draft. He told me that he hadn’t been checked through his whole university career by anybody, and I think that goes to the core of what I’m saying about the idea of inferiority – there’s a kind of accepted mirage here at points where a small flash of ability in an essay is often allowed to determine the whole. He’s an able student, but his laziness would have already caught in the U.K. system at 11+ level, Key Stage 3, and then again at GCSE. Failure in the core subjects of English/Maths at the level will, as I said, end your university chances at 16. It’s harsh, yes, and it disproportionately affects lower-income students (of which I was one), but it’s much harder to fool the tri-gamut of the Key Stage 3s, the GCSEs, and A-Levels, than it is to fool the one-stop shop of the SATs. I’d argue that 50% of the students in my class should not have passed the literacy component of the SATs, and I know for a fact that a good proportion of that 50% would not have made it to university in the U.K.

      • The ‘merican education system certainly has it’s flaws and could use a lot of improvement, no arguments there. But being a teacher/professor/whatever as you claim, do you truthfully think that standardized tests are an accurate depiction of a person’s capabilities?

  15. Jeffrey Sims

    Fuck you superficial. You literally add ZERO value to society and you constantly criticize America? Go choke on a dick you fucking waste of space. Kill yourself.

  16. dr. faylz

    im geeting my doctorite at the college of internet university and all i can say about this is AMURCA! FUCK YEAH!

  17. I dunno, the US and UK seem to both have their share of shitty people. Every time I get depressed about the existence of welldoneson, his sister/wives, and their little inbred horde, I remember that the UK has chavs.

  18. Cock Dr

    Hypothetical question:
    If you wake up naked in a field, covered in black powder fingerprints, that means you had a great 4th of July, right?

    • mike

      If you wake up naked in a field, next to a black microphone, that means you had a great 4th of July, right?

      fixed that for you

  19. MRF

    This was the best string of comments in a long, long time. Thank you ‘Murica.

    U S A! U S A! U S A!

  20. shutupandsing

    I have a great idea! Let’s allow millions of overweight, illiterate, unskilled
    third world immigrants in the country. That should fix everything!

Leave A Comment