Brooke Mueller to Cops: ‘I Want My Kids Away From Charlie’

March 1st, 2011 // 30 Comments

Brooke Mueller must’ve just finished hitch-hiking home from Miami after Charlie booted her off his party plane last week because she’s now on a frantic mission to get her twin sons out of Charlie Sheen‘s house where they’re apparently being raised by their new porn star mommies in an F18 hangar. TMZ reports:

Brooke went to the Beverly Hills Police Department a short time ago to ask for help in getting the kids, but she was told Charlie doesn’t live in Bev Hills so she was at the wrong police department.
Mike Walters from TMZ was at Charlie’s house yesterday and saw the twins there. We’re told the twins are living with Charlie full-time … sources connected with Charlie say he’s worried about her sobriety.
We’re told Brooke was supposed to spend two hours with the kids today.

Charlie Sheen is worried about her sobriety? Wow, that’s rich. Granted, Brooke Mueller more than likely relapsed last week, it was only after she stayed at his house while waiting for the mansion he promised her to be ready. Regardless, she could have gone on an eight-day meth bender and it’d still be her versus Captain Win in family court.

JUDGE: Mr. Sheen, why do you think your sons should stay with you?
CHARLIE: So they can witness winning in its purest form, man. I’m like a special dad who shows them how to survive things that would explode your face in front of your children if you even thought them for one tiny second. I operate on a level so bitchin’, my alien mind sees into the future, recognizes my sons as winners and then shifts into another time dimension to put tiger blood in their bottles with fucking moonbeam sandwiches. If they just stick to that plan, I won’t have to violently love them because there’s no in-between. It’s drink the fucking blood or be a nobody baby shitting yourself because I don’t do diapers. That’s how I became “The Wedge” with these two goddesses here. I pay them for sex, but they’re also wiping asses and winning.
JUDGE: …. I want to tell the bailiff to shoot you, but I’m afraid the bullets would bounce right off your chest and ricochet around the courtroom.
CHARLIE: They would.

(Okay, he might do alright.)

UPDATE: And Charlie Sheen is pursuing full custody of the kids now. Oh, good.

Photos: Getty


  1. Tiger Blood

    fish, that’s a tough task, writing anything that could parody the insanity that spews forth from Captain Awesometastic Sheen, but well done! I’m afraid though, for you, that after tonight on 20/20, Sheen’s crazy talk will have risen to a level so insane your powers of parody will simply be unable to top it.

  2. Last week it was “Let me on the porno party plane NOW!”, today it’s “get my kids away from him!”…the sheer amount of crazy those kids have in their genes should by all measurable science result in them having super powers and enslaving the human race.

    I for one welcome our new Sheen overlords…

  3. gay magicians are gay

    And there you have it….Charlie Sheen with a nice BIG cup of WIN!

  4. Rhialto

    Overruled, same story was posted over two months ago before.

  5. Deacon Jones

    I wonder what she’s like in bed, to get Sheen to marry her.

  6. ick-abod

    Charlie “you think I am adjusting my 2 1/2 men but actually I’m injecting tiger semen into my testicles.”

    • I’m actually betting “the Wedge” really derives from “wedgie”, but whatever. It just shows how delusional he is that the name seems ultraubercool to him. Also, Captain Bunch was already taken.

  7. Jill

    Planet SHEEN!

  8. NTT

    Crackhead Moms are never happy. Jeez.

  9. slappy magoo

    How effed up do you have to ask for help from the law, and have them go, “Nah, your kids are better off with Charlie Sheen?”

  10. Oh Snap

    This guy must think he’s lindsey lohan. Not everyone can get away with shit. We save that for Disney Stars.

  11. Charlie Sheen Brooke Mueller Custody
    Cock Dr
    Commented on this photo:

    I look forward to your custody battle, and all the dirt that will be spilled forth for general public consumption from it’s legal battles. Go now & enrich the lawyers.

  12. Two years from now he’ll dump his two girlfriends for being too slutty. It all makes sense.

  13. Chuck needs a 5150 hold… ASAP.

  14. I’ve got a good feeling about these twins.

  15. Snooki Lover

    You know you’re living in a fucked-up world where a parent has to go to any effort at all in order to get their kids away from Charlie Sheen. The law of “it’s frickin’ obvious, innit?” should apply here.

  16. captain america


  17. paul

    Charlie Sheen to Cops – “Take the kids away from her. She thinks she’s having flashbacks from ‘Nam.”

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