Brooke Mueller to Cops: ‘I Want My Kids Away From Charlie’

Brooke Mueller must’ve just finished hitch-hiking home from Miami after Charlie booted her off his party plane last week because she’s now on a frantic mission to get her twin sons out of Charlie Sheen’s house where they’re apparently being raised by their new porn star mommies in an F18 hangar. TMZ reports:

Brooke went to the Beverly Hills Police Department a short time ago to ask for help in getting the kids, but she was told Charlie doesn’t live in Bev Hills so she was at the wrong police department.
Mike Walters from TMZ was at Charlie’s house yesterday and saw the twins there. We’re told the twins are living with Charlie full-time … sources connected with Charlie say he’s worried about her sobriety.
We’re told Brooke was supposed to spend two hours with the kids today.

Charlie Sheen is worried about her sobriety? Wow, that’s rich. Granted, Brooke Mueller more than likely relapsed last week, it was only after she stayed at his house while waiting for the mansion he promised her to be ready. Regardless, she could have gone on an eight-day meth bender and it’d still be her versus Captain Win in family court.

JUDGE: Mr. Sheen, why do you think your sons should stay with you?
CHARLIE: So they can witness winning in its purest form, man. I’m like a special dad who shows them how to survive things that would explode your face in front of your children if you even thought them for one tiny second. I operate on a level so bitchin’, my alien mind sees into the future, recognizes my sons as winners and then shifts into another time dimension to put tiger blood in their bottles with fucking moonbeam sandwiches. If they just stick to that plan, I won’t have to violently love them because there’s no in-between. It’s drink the fucking blood or be a nobody baby shitting yourself because I don’t do diapers. That’s how I became “The Wedge” with these two goddesses here. I pay them for sex, but they’re also wiping asses and winning.
JUDGE: …. I want to tell the bailiff to shoot you, but I’m afraid the bullets would bounce right off your chest and ricochet around the courtroom.
CHARLIE: They would.

(Okay, he might do alright.)

UPDATE: And Charlie Sheen is pursuing full custody of the kids now. Oh, good.

Photos: Getty