Jebus’ll Find Bertney A New Man!

January 28th, 2013 // 28 Comments

Britney Spears is mentally handicapped to the point that at 31-years-old her dad is still her legal guardian because she can’t even perform such basic tasks as signing a check or not using her children’s heads for ashtrays. So of course she goes to church. Which, in her defense, makes perfect sense because where else can you go each week to get free juice and stories with talking donkeys in them like on Shrek? “They alls got one with a whale, too!” There’s one with a whale, too.

Photos: Fame/Flynet, Splash News


  1. Britney Spears Miniskirt Church
    Little Tongue
    Commented on this photo:

    The new trendy thing in Hollywood these days? A pet peacock.

  2. “OK, who put the half eaten cheeseburger in the collection plate?”

  3. Britney Spears Miniskirt Church
    Toe Jam
    Commented on this photo:

    I bet going to church made the 666 on her scalp very irritated.

  4. Britney Spears Miniskirt Church
    Toe Jam
    Commented on this photo:

    The pastor: “Now let us pray, that Britney will learn to wear underwear with a skirt. Cuz I am definitely seeing bush. Help me Jesus. Amen”.

  5. Britney Spears Miniskirt Church
    Commented on this photo:

    She wore a bra to church? Are we sure this is Britney Spears?

  6. Britney Spears Miniskirt Church
    Commented on this photo:

    I gotta say, when the woman in front of you at church is wearing a sheer-backed blouse with a lacy hot-pink bra underneath, it’s kind of hard to drive the impure thoughts out of your mind and focus on the Christ.

  7. Britney Spears Miniskirt Church
    Commented on this photo:

    Retard, schmetard – gams still awesome.

  8. Pat C.

    Britney’s still better than average looking, and very rich, so she shouldn’t have too much trouble finding a man.

    • Hugh Evers

      Yes, for that special dude that can handle both legal guardianship and romantic interest she is a mega-catch.

  9. Britney Spears Miniskirt Church
    Commented on this photo:

    She may be a little thick, both mentally and torso wise but her legs are GREAT!

  10. Britney Spears Miniskirt Church
    Commented on this photo:

    Enrico Colantoni is not impressed.

  11. Britney Spears Miniskirt Church
    Frank Burns
    Commented on this photo:

    It makes perfect, practical sense for Brit-brit to pick up men at church, since they always need an exorcism shortly after their third date.

  12. Britney Spears Miniskirt Church
    Commented on this photo:

    Nothing like a fuck me now mini skirt to wear to church.

  13. Britney Spears Miniskirt Church
    Commented on this photo:

    She is still cute as hell and with her being rather stupid it bodes well for any man that can get near her.

  14. At least she’s not wearing those fucking boots.

  15. Church is just right for her intelligence level.

  16. I’d be willing to take a Jason Trawick Bertney gig for a year.

    Get her cheeseburgers, fried chicken, chicken nuggets and Starbucks.
    Sex her up a couple of times a week (she was a dancer, so even with the drugs she’s till got to be half good).
    Pick up 20% of her yearly take as manager/guardian (she made about $58 million last year).

    Get her to dump me after a year, pick up my$11 million and hop a plane out of town.

  17. Britney Spears Miniskirt Church
    Commented on this photo:

    Britney, please go to VS and have them properly fit you for a bra. Your boob should not sag that low even with a bra!

  18. Britney Spears Miniskirt Church
    Commented on this photo:

    I’m sorry but I am pretty sure if she asked me too; I would

  19. Britney Spears Miniskirt Church
    Commented on this photo:

    Not a big deal. She looks fine!

  20. Britney Spears Miniskirt Church
    Commented on this photo:

    I want to go the church where the crazy bitches dress like this.

  21. Britney Spears Miniskirt Church
    Commented on this photo:

    Ha! Talking donkeys & juice that is supposed to be Jesus’ blood. Also sex with daddy. (Lot, right). Why not don a miniskirt????

  22. Britney Spears Miniskirt Church
    Commented on this photo:

    So is what’s appropriate for Church what Jesus said? “And why do you worry about clothes? See how the lilies of the field grow. They do not labor or spin. Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these.” Lilies are dressed in splendor, not other spun clothes. The Essene Gospel of Peace was hidden in the Vatican’s archives until the 1900’s. In it, Jesus reportedly says, “”Seek the fresh air of the forest and of the fields… Put off your shoes and your clothing… Then breathe long and deeply.” Wherever that’s legal, I guess? Nag Hammadi Scriptures were banned centuries ago, hidden by monks, and more recently recovered. The Perfect Discourse says, “the mystery of intercourse is performed in secret… For if it happens in the presence of those who do not understand the reality, (it is) laughable and unbelievable.” Regarding Britney’s sexual life and aspects, is their mystery like splendrous clothing surrounding intimate acts that can involve sacred feelings? How appropriate is it to analyze her clothing in the context of the aftermath of the nation discussing her sexual life, in the name of helping her?

  23. Britney Spears Miniskirt Church
    Commented on this photo:

    Surprised she didn’t burst into flames just walking into the church.

  24. Britney Spears Miniskirt Church
    Commented on this photo:

    Britney is beautiful

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