Bertney & The Duchess’ Underwear

Bertney & The Duchess’ Underwear
An “Exploring The World” Adventure

Bertney loved getting to travel with Papa. He always took her to new and exciting places with all kinds of different ice creams and McDonald’s. Papa said it made her more “cultured” which Bertney thought was a fancy word for hungry because that’s what she was!
Today they were in London, England with lots and lots of girls in their underwear. One of them asked Bertney how she got so good at designing clothes and Bertney just laughed and laughed then told her Papa only lets her use crayons.
“And sometimes markers,” Bertney added, “but only at the table and never, ever in the living room ’cause one time I colored on the TB. The screen was all black, and I just wanted to make it purty.”
Soon Papa showed up and shooed the girl away. Bertney forgot she wasn’t supposed to talk to strangers, but sometimes she gets words jumpimg all in her head and if they don’t come out, she feels like her whole face will explode!
“I have a very important job for you, Bertney Jean,” Papa said. “But I need you to make me a promise: No giggling.”
“Why would I giggle, Papa?” Bertney asked.
“Because it’s about underwear.”
And with that Bertney giggled and giggled until tears ran down her face and she was all out of breath.
“Underwear goes on butts!” she managed to say while trying not to laugh. It’s true though, she thought before giggling even more because butts are funny to a Bertney.
“This is very serious,” Papa tried not to yell, so Bertney did her best to think about something that wasn’t so funny. Like books with too many words. Or vegetables. Eww.
“Now, I need you to meet with Mrs. Kate, The Duchess, and ask her to wear your underwear.”
“You mean the ones I got on?” Bertney was very confused. “But you told me no more leaving the house without underwears or Bodyguard Jim’ll shoot me with sleepy darts again.”
“No, Bertney, I’m talking about the underwear that will be in stores with your name on it. Were you even listening on the plane?”
“I was on a plane?” Bertney didn’t know what Papa was talking about. This happened a lot.
“You know what? Fuck it.” Papa quickly looked around the room until he saw what he was hunting. “There. Over there are some reporters. I want you to walk over to them and say, ‘I’m sending Kate Middleton my entire line of lingerie.’ Can you do that for Papa?”
“Kate middle fun laundry tire line!” Bertney quickly repeated. She was certain she was very good at this game, but Papa didn’t look too happy. In fact, Papa looked kind of red like that time his heart attacked him, and he told Bertney to call 951. She hoped he wouldn’t go to the hospital for a really long time again.
But soon Papa finished counting to ten and gave Bertney a big hug.
“It was wrong of me to ask you to such a big, important grown-up job,” Papa said. “Do you forgive me?”
Bertney had no idea what that meant, but she shook her head yes because she did have an idea where this was headed.
“Now who wants ice cream?”
“Yay!” Bertney loved England.



1. What’s the Royal Family?

2. Isn’t it kind of fucked up that one still exists?

3. Who the hell pays for all this shit?

4. What do you do if a grown-up asks to see your underwear?

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Photos: Getty, Vantagenews / Xposure / AKM-GSI