Bertney And The No-Bra Boobies Dress

February 25th, 2014 // 28 Comments

Bertney And The No-Bra Boobies Dress
A Read-Master Adventure

Ever since Bertney was a little girl she never liked bras.
“Papa, if Baby Jesus made boobies to hang down and point all diff’rent d’rections, shouldn’t they hang down and point all diff’rent d’rections?” she had asked each and every morning for 22 years.
“Now, Bertney Jean,” Papa would say in his serious voice. “You know what happens when you go outside without them.”
“Demons,” Bertney would sigh. “Demons’ll happen.” But that didn’t stop her from taking it off while her bodyguards were driving. And sometimes even when Bertney was driving. It was her special magic trick!
One morning in particular, Bertney really wanted her boobies to hang free, so she put on a special dress and slipped out the door while Papa was busy counting his piles of money he makes from letting berfriends do silly things to her special spot. They always made such goofy faces!

When Bertney got in the car, she told her driver to take her to Red Robin. This was a special macasion and Bertney wanted to feel fancy while her boobies were free.
And then it happened.
While Bertney was watching SpongeBob on the seat TV, a little red demon with wings appeared next to her.
“Hiya, Bertney!” it said, “Whatcha doin’?”
“Go ‘way,” Bertney said. “I’m not a ‘sposed to talk to you.”
“Aww,” said the demon. “It’s just I don’t got any friends, and I thought maybe you’d be my friend.”
Bertney felt sad for the demon. She didn’t have a lot of friends either. Just Sean and Jayden, but their daddy only lets them come over every other weekend. She sometimes wonder who’d their mommy was.
“Alright,” said Bertney, “I’ll be your friend.”
“Oh boy,” said the demon as he bobbed up and down in the air and clapped. “Now we can have some real fun!”
Later, Bertney woke up in a field inside a giant upside-down star with a funny looking goat’s head in it. She had no idea how she got there, or why she was covered in ketchup. She didn’t remember eating Furnch fries. In fact, she didn’t remember much of anything at all.
As she stood up, she saw lots of fire and several clouds that looked like big ol’ mushrooms in the distance. Bertney almost started to feel frightened, but then she spotted a McDonald’s close enough to walk. And it was still open!
“I’mma let my boobies fly free EVERYDAY!” Bertney squealed as she ran toward the Golden Arches.

The End

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Photos: Fame/Flynet, Splash News


  1. Atomicbetty

    Not your best work, but I did crack a smile at furnch fries.

  2. anonymous

    I think she actually looks pretty good here.

    The guy wearing the redneck business suit is funnier. He actually is wearing a hat with his polyester jacket over khaki pants combo.

  3. Britney Spears Sloppy Saggy Breasts Sundress
    Commented on this photo:

    She’s gorgeous (tho certainly not at her best here), built like a real woman, and dumber than a rock. …Also less talented.

    • JC

      I never really understood what that “real woman” crap is. I mean, yeah, I get it, it usually means “fat.” But actual human women come in all kinds of shapes and sizes, not just Sloppy Bertney shape. I’ve visually examined several women using strategically placed toilet cams to verify this.

  4. crb

    That escalated quickly!

  5. frickin’ frick i think these are funny

  6. Britney Spears Sloppy Saggy Breasts Sundress
    Commented on this photo:

    Meanwhile, at the casting of the “Petticoat Junction” reboot…

  7. ace11

    I would like the bleach between her toe cracks

    although im sure she’s ha that done before

  8. Britney Spears Sloppy Saggy Breasts Sundress
    Commented on this photo:

    She’s got the arm swing of Bigfoot. Thats all the proof I need.

  9. Britney Spears Sloppy Saggy Breasts Sundress
    Commented on this photo:

    BIGFOOT! They called me crazy at Harvard Medical when I present this as fact!! Who’s laughing now?!?!

  10. Britney Spears Sloppy Saggy Breasts Sundress
    Commented on this photo:

    The fuck is this guy wearing?

  11. Britney Spears Sloppy Saggy Breasts Sundress
    Commented on this photo:

    This one might haunt my dreams

  12. Slappy Magoo

    This cant possibly be true, for Bertney wouldn’t refer to it as a “bra” but as a “berzeer.”

  13. anonym

    she’s gonna look hideous in her 50′s. I can already tell

    • I’ll bet she’ll look pretty nasty after she’s dead and has been buried for several months, too. But what the fuck does that have to do with today and her freely swinging tits?

  14. Britney Spears Sloppy Saggy Breasts Sundress
    Commented on this photo:

    Yep shes still got it, mouth herpes

  15. She’s doing 48 shows a year for two years in Vegas, getting paid $15 million a year ($310,000 per show),forgot to lip sync one of her songs in last weeks performance, and she looks like a 40 year old who just stepped out of her double wide at the trailer park.

    Gotta find me a McDonalds and get some of the Frunch fries.

  16. “Now whur the hell are them gawddamn piglets?”

  17. ace11

    My question is

    Does this Dave guy bang her hard, or is he just a Christmas tree ornament?

  18. Great figure, terrible style.

  19. Bob

    I think this may be the best one yet.
    As soon as it got to Bertney waking up in the pentagram, I started laughing out loud.

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