Bristol Palin’s Unplanned Pregnancy Was Totally Planned Now

Seen here demonstrating her loose butthole because this world has become an embarrassment of comedy riches, Bristol Palin has fired back in the media at the media for directly quoting the blog post she wrote on a media site for media consumption. Turns out everyone is attacking Bristol by using the exact definition of the words she wrote instead of their super-secret Christian meaning which is apparently the opposite of everything she said. Via Patheos:

So here are the things you should all get straight before you continue to mock me, judge me, and talk about me.
None of us are perfect.
I made a mistake, but it’s not the mistake all these giddy a$$holes have loved to assume.
This pregnancy was actually planned.
Everyone knows I wanted more kids, to have a bigger family. Believing I was heading that way, I got ahead of myself. Things didn’t go as planned, but life keeps going. Life moves on.
But I do not regret this baby. This baby is not a disappointment, and I cannot wait to be a mom times two. Tripp is going to make the best big brother!!

Yeah, how dare you giddy ass-money-holes say Bristol’s child – who no one will confirm who the father is – is an unplanned disappointment that she has to keep her chin up about? Bristol Palin never even said anything like that except for that time she did:

Honestly, I’ve been trying my hardest to keep my chin up on this one.

When life gets tough, there is no other option but to get tougher.
I know this has been, and will be, a huge disappointment to my family, to my close friends, and to many of you.

Bristol’s also pissed that everyone remembers she was hired to be an abstinence ambassador for The Candies Foundation and claims she’s “never been paid as an ‘abstinence spokesperson'” Except when she was and said shit like this in interviews:

I’m not going to have sex until I’m married,” Bristol told In Touch magazine. “I can guarantee it.”

Fortunately for Bristol the part in Leviticus about lying and deceiving doesn’t count because everyone knows God only cares about the gay stuff. More importantly, Bristol drops the mic on all of us with her award-winning argument of “At least I didn’t get an abortion.” Pow?

I am pregnant. This is not the ideal situation, but life is important even if it’s not in the most absolute ideal circumstance. This is more confirmation on what I’ve always stood for. I’ve always been pro-life and I am standing for life now.
Deal with it.

“Hey, mom, what’s this stuff on the Internet about you getting pregnant with me? You seem pretty pissed.”
“Trip Trigger Track And Field, don’t you dare read that!”
“A ‘disappointment?’ Not the ‘ideal situation?’ You had me to spite pro-choicers? What the fuck?”
“Baby, I can explain! Just listen to me for a second!”
“Sorry, mom, but you brought this on yourself.” *enrolls in college*
“NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!”

Photo: Instagram