Bret Michaels Thinks You’re Stupid

October 4th, 2010 // 51 Comments
Bret Michaels Nude for Billboard

While a CGI-rendering of Bret Michaels appears on the latest issue of Billboard (above), the real one wants you to believe it’s nothing but the byproduct of climate control, physical exercise and a good ol’ dash of manorexia. E!’s Marc Malkin reports:

I said, ‘Listen, I have two requests—good lighting and a warm room. That’s all I’m asking for,’” Michaels tells me. “If I’m walking out with it all f**king hanging out there for the world to see then, well, I need good lighting and a warm room.”
And some sit-ups! “I didn’t eat for a day and I did about 2,000 sit-ups.”

Says the man who refuses to admit his baldness, so he consistently wears a wig tucked underneath a bandana everywhere he goes. Yeah, let’s take that guy’s word on his own appearance. He seems good for it.

Photo: Billboard


  1. jill

    Brett Michaels as imagined by Hannah-Barbera.

    Fake hair, check. Fake muscles, check. Fake rocker attitude, check. Why can’t the Grim Reaper get anything right?

  2. Christian Virgin Girl

    He’s making the sign of the beast with his left hand, and judging by the size of the circle covering his private parts, he’s not very well endowed.

    • Anon

      Yeah, cause the average-sized penis hangs down to a guy’s lower thigh. You definitely know your male anatomy, Christian Virgin Girl.

      • qwerty

        “Yeah, cause the average-sized penis hangs down to a guy’s lower thigh.”

        That’s ’cause she’sonly seen those of priests so far and we all know why they wear those floor-length dresses

    • Chris

      lol you must not be that much of a christian virgin girl if you know that much about private parts.

    • for a christian virgin girl, you’re a bit of a size queen.

      actually, that sounds about right for a christian girl.

  3. Michelle

    Don’t know really what to say…sort of a fan but this just looks weird. Losing interest fast.

  4. goober

    Ronnie James Dio and Chuck Schuldiner; are dead; meanwhile, this asshat will probably live to 100; life is seriously fucked up.

    • Like Dennis Leary said, We always lose the good musicians like Jimmy Hendrix, Janis Joplin, Jim Morrison but Motley Crue would never fuckin overdose.

      • The only reason Jimmy Hendrix is remembered as a legend today is because he died young. He’d just be another classic rock has-been if he were still alive.

      • Mc im sure ur just trollin but seriously jimi revolutionized lead guitar. Smashing up his axe well he stole that from the who. But name anyone who could play lead like jimi before the jhe? Not saying it was ridic complex but what he did he really did do first.

      • ilikesake

        You clearly don’t know what the fuck you’re talking about. Now shut up and go play with your Mega Blocks

    • look, I get it that “rock legend” status comes pretty much automatically if you manage to die at your peak, but not for me. I judge music on its own merit, not based on technical issues like “first to do something” or the importance of a message, etc.

      Frankly, Jimmi Hendrix music just isn’t that good as a whole. He has a couple of classics, but personally I can’t see bestowing the “legendary” status on him based on his music. Take away the died young part, and you’ve got someone who disappears into the background noise of that generation of music.

      • Any Guy

        obviously sir, you are some sore of ruh-tard if you don’t at least consider Hendrix a ‘guitar’ legend. he revolutionized the way the instrument is played, end of story.

        thankfully you’re subjugated to Superficial posts… ’cause you sure don’t know shit about music.

  5. caligrrl

    No way those are his abs. They look so airbrushed it’s ridiculous. Plus they look kinda deformed. Just. Gross.

  6. How did Brett go from a having a ponch when I saw him in concert at the Tampa Rays game a few weeks ago to this? I want to see a non-shopped, bandana-free, makeup free photo so we can all judge for ourselves. Every rose has it’s thorn and age is one of them Brett !

  7. Straight Pirate

    What a gay pirate.

  8. ChiChiBug

    I believe those abs are real, as much as Pamela Anderson’s breasts are real!

  9. Well ther r other shirtless pics of this clown online and he does appear to have at least a 6. Still think hes a talentless twat tho. Who probly has aids

  10. Turd Ferguson

    Must have been a warm, orange, blurred room sponsored by Adobe Photoshop.

  11. trousers

    this is much worse than courtney love at the top of the site

  12. Cock Dr

    The magazine cover refers to this man as a “stud”.
    This is a joke magazine then, right?

  13. D-CON

    OF COURSE he really looks like that. That’s why they airbrushed / photoshopped / re-drew the fucking picture.

    Fuck you, Rolling Stone. (Unzips fly). Suck it, you fucking shitbags. My contempt for you has no limits.

  14. Rough'stongue-in-cheeks

    So I need to be on a death bed to finally achieve a six pack? I’ll try it.

  15. Jen

    Those still look like old manboobs to me.

  16. Uber Violet

    I don’t care, I still think he’s cute. Honestly, he’s cute with a little more weight and not all the body make-up. This picture is way too metro-sexual for him, he needs the real rock and roll image of the guy that just rolls out of bed with that messed up hair, drugged up, and fresh fucked look. Now that’s the Bret I know. Off you go, go get a cheeseburger and milk shake.

  17. burton

    he has NO pecks and his belly looks like a womans..who gave birth to 3 kids!!!
    he is skinny and not very good looking, too much botox and filler and he has no hair…i mean he IS balding under that bandana.

  18. burton

    we used to hangw ith him at strip clubs back in the early 90s, the guy is a total douche (or was back then)…would hit on everyones girl and then act like a total diva…

  19. suprgrl

    he’s fucking disgusting, I wouldn’t fuck him with Courtney Love’s vag.

  20. sasha

    He looks pregnant.

  21. Awwwwww fer cryin out loud … topless photoshopped pictures of BRETT MICHAELS!?!?!? What’s next? Upskirt pictures of Clorice Leachman so we can see her granny panty lines????

    BTW that wasn’t just photoshopped, that was photo assembly lined to get Michaels to look like that.

  22. captain crunch

    uh, what’s new here?
    sure, people are stupid. that’s why irrelevant d-bags & attention whores like this guy & many others are famous (hilton, kardashians, lohans, need u more?), and that’s why you see and will keep seeing magazine covers like this one + lame tv shows, etc.

    • ilikesake

      I agree. And with Photoshop around, its like whats real and whats not? I mean this HIGH TECH shit, not the older 90′s version of Photo. And I know, ppl are gonna be like “I can tell the difference” but not everyone can. And what about non-celeb pics? I see shit on FB and some Shock websites and have to wonder if what I’m seeing is real? THIS SUCKS.

      And that’s my rant for the week.

  23. Mortimer Snerd

    C’mon , this guy recently had an emergency
    appendectomy!! Seriously, whose gonna
    believe he still sports a six-pack!!

    HA! HA! HA! Michaels, you’re a joke!!

  24. Any Guy

    this guy truly reflects the main product his scene in the 80′s helped nurture and blossom. HERPES. its annoying as fuck and doesn’t go away. only I’d listen to someone scratch their sores for 3 hours before I’d listen to his ‘music’.

    let it SHINE Bret. can’t wait for the new show where skanky hookers fight to the death to snatch the bandanna-wig off his soon to be corpse.

    kudos the the above Chuck Shuldiner reference. \m/

  25. Brooke

    Hey, better a bandanna than a come-over. I think. I’m more concerned that he’s still wearing eyeliner everywhere he goes.

    Poison was a shitty band, but somehow they still put on a pretty good concert. And Brett at least looks better now than Vince Neil does. An unfortunate truth (hugs Crue shirt).

  26. eviasamon

    I have tried the Bret Michaels cheat that I found on here multiple times and it doesn’t seem to work. Is there a cheat or is there another way to get the Bret Michaels singer? I appreciate any help.

  27. captain america

    ………….1 + 1 = 2.
    tadaaaaaaaaaa: WHO DID YOU CALL “STUPID”?

  28. NeNe

    He was so friggen air brushed, that he looks so strange. He looks to skinny. GROSS!!

  29. simone

    I saw the real picture before and after on another website believe me this is all fake especially his abs. They were drawn on.

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