Brad Pitt & Angelina Jolie Are Married

August 28th, 2014 // 20 Comments
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Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie have been together for nine years, the bulk of which they’ve spent as parents to six children. But what they don’t have a is a legal document that makes it a gigantic pain in the ass to break up, so their love has basically been meaningless horseshit if it even counts as love at all. Fortunately, they fixed all that by secretly getting married in France over the weekend, and then surprising all of us with the news this morning because thanks to their omnipotent vantage point from Marriage Mountain, they could tell we needed a light to guide us out of the darkness. I heard Angelina Jolie even transformed into a dove. The AP reports:

Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt were married Saturday in the French hamlet of Correns, a spokesman for the couple says.
Jolie and Pitt wed in a small chapel in a private ceremony attended by family and friends at Provence’s Chateau Miraval. In advance of the nondenominational civil ceremony, Pitt and Jolie obtained a marriage license from a local California judge. The judge also conducted the ceremony in France.
The couple’s children took part in the wedding. Jolie walked the aisle with her eldest sons Maddox and Pax. Zahara and Vivienne threw flower petals. Shiloh and Knox served as ring bearers, the spokesman says.

When asked what prompted them to finally walk down the aisle, the spokesperson replied, “Honestly, I think both of them are hoping this will finally kill the other. If I had to put a label on it.”

Photos: Fame/Flynet, Getty


  1. Chelsea Handler must be pissed her show ended this week.

  2. lawn

    Thank God, the suspense was killing me.

  3. Aniston better find that missing Malaysian plane or some shit quick.

  4. Cock Dr

    They got tired of waiting for Jennifer to pull the trigger on her own ceremony.

  5. karen

    Jennifer Aniston woke up Sunday morning to find her chin had grown another inch.

  6. Order and balance is finally restored in the Force…

  7. karen

    They had to go to Mississippi to find a child-sized wedding ring that fit on Angelina’s skeletal finger.

  8. HarrisonFordsCatheter


    Attention attendees: Will Photoboy please report to the stage area.

  9. Angelina Jolie Brad Pitt Maleficent World Premiere
    Commented on this photo:

    Wait, she married Bono instead of Pitt?

  10. I don’t even care enough to type a comment.


  11. Johnnyb

    “Brad Pitt & Cannon-Tits are married”

  12. Oh BABY

    So much for waiting for all gays to be allowed to marry, huh? They didn’t give a shit anyhow. Neither do I, but I wasn’t pretending to care the way these two jerks were.

  13. Vampires that collect children…

  14. So… do we start a countdown for something? Adoption, Affair, divorce, death, etc.? Transcending to a higher plane of existence?

  15. anonym

    this is how weddings should be done. Not with a bunch of friends of friends of cousins

  16. Anita berber's Addictions

    So, does this mean the Apocalypse is on schedule?

  17. As the saying goes “Why buy the cow when you were getting the milk for free?”

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