I Think They Found The Boston Marathon Suspects

April 19th, 2013 // 71 Comments
Watertown SWAT Team

So, yeah, I’m not even going to pretend we aren’t glued to this unfolding insanity like the rest of you, but titties and dick jokes coming soon. In the meantime, feel free to post your wild conspiracy theories in the comments like Obama personally smuggled these guys into the U.S. under his jacket, went “No one ever suspects the Chechens…” then bought them pressure cookers for Ramadan. I’m sure it was something like that.

Everything We Know About the Alleged Boston Bombers – Gawker 4.19.13

NOTE: We’re also quibbling on Facebook here and here. Bring the kids.


  1. I’m sure they’re conservative Republicans that are pissed about taxes though, right?

    • No, it turns out they are deeply involved with the same philosophic and moral value system which drove the last individuals who attacked us on such a scale, and as well acted with commensurate utter distain for the lives of the innocent. God knows, no one can be blamed for immediately assuming some white people who pay taxes must be involved, given. . .well, I never really got that part, but I’m sure it’s there. Otherwise, this would just have proved another pathetic attempt by the Left to never let a crisis go to waste, even at the expense of dignity, good taste, national unity, fundamental decency, and a sense of right and wrong a child could recognize. So that can’t be it.

      • 1. Yes, I was wrong thinking this was right-wing terrorism. The fact it happened in Boston on Tax Day pointed that way, turned out not to be the case. My speculation was incorrect which I said from the beginning could easily be the case.

        2. Let’s shoot this down: “No, it turns out they are deeply involved with the same philosophic and moral value system which drove the last individuals who attacked us on such a scale.”

        First, what happened in Boston was terrible, but not anywhere close to the scale of 9/11. This is two loners who lived in America for over a decade and had trouble assimilating. Their social media profiles are a mish-mash of Islam, Westernized love of rap music, weed, money, and Chechen independence. From accounts of their family members, they lashed out at a society they didn’t fit into not unlike the Columbine shooters. So, no, they weren’t “deeply involved” in Radical Islam which the right jumped to just as erroneously as the left, including me, jumped to right-wing terrorism. They were the third option: Lone wolves wanting to kill people to kill people.

      • Let’s take one thing for granted from the top: neither of us really knows a damned thing yet, regarding true motives, outside of the tie that binds: the organized insanity they term a religion. All else will come out with time; this could VERY WELL prove to be part of something larger, we can only wait and see. My point was to note the big burkha-wearing elephant in the room, which anyone with pretensions of online Lefty cred is contractually obligated to ignore. With that said, bit by bit: no, the fact it was in Boston on Tax day did NOT point to right-wing terrorism. This was a fantasy created by people with something to gain from it, immediately embraced by Good Liberals everywhere. (See Salon.com for a particularly shameless example of someone so far gone he essentially needs the victims to have done this to themselves.) And regarding “right wing terrorism” (brace yourself), there is really no such thing, at least not in anything akin to accurate semantic context. McVeigh was a lunatic who was quickly put down like the animal he was, with the full support of everyone who actually constitutes the Right in this country. That’s the thing — what passes for Right-wing terrorists are executed with the full support of Conservatives who actually compose the political wing, while acknowledged Left-wing terrorists with body counts and blood on their hands are tenured professors with Robert fucking Redford making hagiographic movies about them, in order to lie to a new generation. There is a discrepancy here worth noting. I have no real problem with the funny guy on my favorite pop culture commentary cite being wrong about such things, but I take umbrage when the President of the United States is said by his official mouthpiece to supposedly be thinking the same thing, when we all know it is crap. It is fucking ABHORRENT to try and harness that little boy’s death, to choose only one, for any political purpose.
        As for “scale,” who the hell cares, really? I only used the term to note it was the closest thing to 9/11 since. The fact is that this would be no less fundamentally wrong if the body counts matched perfectly, to suggest otherwise is bizarre. (Noting things can always be worse is not an argument, it is a truism.) And believe it or not, there are plenty of people who come to this country and have trouble assimilating. Lots of them get stoned and listen to awful music, and many come from troubled areas of the world. Hell, it is WHY they come. Yet not all of them murder children. Those who do, of late seem to have one thing in common. You are absolutely kidding yourself if you think that Islam does not play a role, and how someone who can go off on his/our shared negative experiences with overbearing Christians growing up can shove his head in the sand regarding something infinitely worse is beyond me. You can’t “shoot that down”, Fish. It cannot be done, we as a nation cannot pretend anymore. Even if they prove to be what amounts to lone wolves, they are still representatives of the mentality of the pack, and we will all continue to bury our own until we admit the truth. If you really study the essence of Islam, you will understand they have embraced a philosophy which negates the importance of this life, in lieu of what is to follow. I know some people very, very entrenched in the Left wing, who are equally as horrified as I am, and they did the reading. All you have to do is understand what Islam truly teaches, which is the negation of mortal existence. Nothing actually matters, especially those they hate. I know it is awful, but you can accept it now, or accept it when they kill someone close enough to you to matter.

      • The enemy is Wahhabism more than Islam in general. Chechens are Wahhabis funded by the Saudis, just like AQ and Bin Laden. Just like people on the left are so militant that they yearn for political validation by preemptively assigning blame for the death of a child to their perceived enemies, people on the right blame Islam to validate their world beliefs. The thread in most of these attacks is Wahhabism. Which is the Westboro Baptist nut case version of Islam. Most Muslim are not sympathetic to Wahhabism.

        The left is wrong for gleefully hoping it was right wing extremist and the right is wrong for hoping it was Islamic militants. Justice doesn’t require us to care, it only requires us to stop all criminal regardless of who score blood soaked political points.

        The left is right in believing that it is unfair to hate Islam for what a small percentage of people do and the right is correct in believing that large segments of the Islamic world is working overtime to kill us. In the middle you find a place where you can respect individuals when they are good while also preparing to kill them if they bad.

      • First, excellent name.

        Secondly, the problem with that thinking, as even-handed as it attempts to be, rests within the answer to one question: should the day come the non-Wahhabi are forced by circumstance to chose between their extremist brethren and, well, us, do you honestly think they are going to be lining up on the side of Western Civilization? It is infinitely more likely they would suddenly see the Wahhabi as warriors for their backwards version of a Greater Good, is it not? Brothers in the Koran or some such nonsense? All it would take is a sense, however misguided, that they might win. Ask the Israelis, who handed them their asses when they tried it last. I’m not blaming Islam to validate a damned thing. I am recognizing it is both the unifying and compelling force in what we term acts of Terror. That I do this neither validates nor invalidates a thing about me, it is simply the way it is.

        I agree completely regarding the Saudis. Our worst enemies are closest to us at the table.

      • The non-extremists choose us all the time across the world. There are plenty of examples.

      • Yes. But that is not what I asked.

      • joe cano

        Yes, Fish, radical muslims (christians, jews, etc.) do tend to have a difficukt time making friends/fitting in. No surprise there.

      • The militent right winger is going to pick a fight with the goverment, not some joggers. The target tells a lot about who the attacker might be.

      • schmidtler

        I think in all fairness, since no one knew anything about who did this or why, and all we knew was they used home made junk to make their very poorly designed bombs, those facts we did know did seem to lend themselves to a conclusion it was more likely to be home grown nut jobs than an international ring of sophisticated, well trained, well financed terrorists. Most home grown nut jobs have turned out to be from the far right. Crazy isn’t the exclusive domain of any political flavor, obviously.

      • don’t be stupid, schmid, it was obvious this was done by Islamists from the very minute the bombs went off. anyone pretending otherwise needs their butt kicked.

        there is a psychological condition that causes a person who perceives himself as a victim to blame anyone but the perpetrator, but as a country we need to rise about such psychological crippling and realize that Islam is THE problem. has been for centuries. if only one tenth of one percent of Moslems is a defective asshole, that’s still a million defectives we have to deal with… and some of them will be women. Like Obama’s mom.

      • Some Occupy guys were just arrested for plotting to blow up a bridge.

      • That was what went through my mind when the Government went out of its way, even citing what Obama was supposedly thinking regarding the matter, to try and lay this at the feet of. . .well, angry taxpayers? Whatever the hell they were trying to do, my guess is they were initially absolutely terrified some of the Occupy loons decided to act.

      • bobthebob

        YEah cause we never had domestic terrorists blow things up and the fact that it happened on income tax day in Boston (home of the original tax protest) wouldn’t at least make you wonder what some of our more militant domestic nutjobs are up too.

    • mike

      Funny I thought it was a liberal D-bag mad at Catholics, boy it sure did not turn out the way we thought huh

  2. 9,000 cops, over 5 hours and they can’t find one boy. This is pathetic. This is the best day in the world to be a criminal in Boston because all the cops are out trying to find this kid so they can be the one to collar him and get that medal pinned on their chest.

    500 cops, 1000 cops would be overkill, this is just ridiculous.

    • The Illuminati Did It!

      I was thinking the same thing. I geuss it’s “smash and grab” day in Boston.

      • Actually, no it’s not. This would be “shoot first and ask questions later” day, which is not conducive to illegal activities. Add in that most of your average Boston criminals would also like to put a hole in this guy and you have a helluva manhunt.

        And as for shooting first, the cops here are completely justified. I hope they catch this loser soon. They have lost enough today.

    • Cops tend to get touchy when you set off bombs in their town and shoot one of their own. Please tell us how you’d conduct the manhunt with all your expertise in high profile terrorist situations.

      Yeah this is all about getting a medal.

      • You really think they need 9,000 fucking cops to get one person? Bullshit. People do fucked up shit all the time and it is handled with maybe a dozen or so cops.

        If you think someone has bombs does it make fucking sense to put hundreds of cops in danger? Hmm, he may have explosives that could kill lots of people, I know, lets put all our cops right next to him. Genius.

        I may not be a professional expert on terrorism and manhunts, but I do know that we went into a foreign country, into an armed guarded compound with a handful of Navy Seals and managed to kill Osama Bin Laden. They sure as fuck did not need hundreds or thousands of soldiers to complete that mission.

        You act like this is the first fucking manhunt in the history of America, tons have been done and never did they need 9,000 cops. Hell, the North Hollywood shootout where there were two robbers with all sorts of machine guns, body armor etc was handled by 300 cops.

      • Do tell, what are you a ‘professional expert’ in?

      • I would guess “el Jefe” is an expert in masturbation and online gambling. just a guess.

      • You stick to playing Call of Duty and let the police handle this like they train to do.

      • I have an idea: how about you call up Boston PD, tell them your opinion and see what they say. I have no doubt that because of your credentials on The Superficial comments section, they will agree and allow you to single handedly perform the manhunt *because you’re that good.*

      • you idiot, they aren’t chasing a bank robber or a terminally stupid marxist professor who kidnapped one of his students for sex. they’re chasing a bomb-making, child-killing, cop-killing geek who is literally at war with us. this isn’t a police action, it’s a war. the sooner that juvenile “know nothings” like yourself wake up to that, the better.

        oh, and go ahead, try a few B&E’s or smash-and-grabs with these guys around. you’ll be shit soup!

      • bobthebob

        Yes this is just like the capture of Osama Bin Laden where we knew exactly where he was, had months of planning and intellegence to go into it. Where the SEALs built a full scale replica of the compound and held multiple rehearsals before carrying out the mission. That is exactly the same as trying to respond in real time with limited knowledge of what the situation will be and searching an entire metropolitan area is exactly the same as going room to room in a known compound.

    • 1. These are cops, not Navy SEALs. Different training altogether.
      2. Different environment. Dense suburban neighborhood with thousands of American civilians (many of whom are probably children) vs. foreign soil.
      3. These 9,000 cops have to be VERY careful how they apprehend this clown since he may have additional explosives on him. Getting reckless could get a ton of people killed. Even if one of them is the terrorist, the cops will still be on the hook for any fuck-ups.

    • Hung Well

      This is saber-rattling but necessary saber-rattling. The bombing put us on international stage. The message is if you fuck with us and we’ll fuck you back 1,000 x over. You don’t send Barney Fife out to catch 2 bombers with possible military training. You send the whole damn Cavalry first and then the Irish Reserves at the end like Longshanks did in Braveheart.

  3. cc

    Pity about that cop getting shot. I was rather hoping for no more loss of life.

  4. Freebie

    Its amazing how quickly law enforcement zeroed in on the suspects. Goes to show you, big brother is watching, which is okay if you’re not criminal.

    • also not ok if you’ve become accustomed to fapping one off to the hot mannequins in the window of Lord & Taylor on Boyleston Street. Is there no privacy in this world anymore?

    • bobthebob

      well, they did try to rob a 7-11 hours after their faces were splashed across every tv. That probably brought a little attention to where they were.

  5. Cock Dr

    Please catch & kill that 2nd motherfucker ASAP.

  6. Onyx Blackman

    Dorner could catch him by himself.

  7. I take it these noobs got bored of CoD?

  8. Nikita Krushchev

    It is not a good day to be that fucking moron. Let’s recap:
    Ecko and Icko,the chechen equivalent of Curly and Moe, get the outstanding idea to set off some bombs. This kills 3 and mains dozens, and pisses off Bostonians (always a bad move,right England) .
    These hapless motherfuckers then attempt to rob a 7 fucking 11 ( always my first choice when I think of places to rob). They kill a cop ( as if the people of Boston arent pissed enoughv) and get into a high speed chase where ecko ( or was it icko – who cares) is killed ( I’d like to buy the shooter drinks all night long ) and the other nugget tries to run and hide. Kill this fucker, kill his whole fucking family and piss on their graves.

  9. Deacon Jones

    I read that the older borther “charged” the Boston PD with a IED strapped to him once they were cornered. How the hell the other one was able to jump back into the SUV and ram a polica barricade, AND ESCAPE, it beyond me.

    This is footage of the shoot out. Im willing to bet anything that he charges them at the 57 second mark, because everyone started firing at once!


    • BobtheBob

      He was able to escape because despite what some others have said in comments they actually did not have enough assets to respond quickly enough to erect a proper parameter. In cases like this it is better they have forces they don’t need than need forces they don’t have.

  10. alex

    But beware of the backlash.

  11. The Illuminati Did It!

    I’d think most people would want the cops to take him alive. Once the CIA gets ahold of him, they’ll torture him so bad he’ll wish he was never born. The important thing is they need to gather information on whether or not he is part of a broader network, a small cell, or just acting alone with his brother. death is too good for him. Have him get a little hell on earth first.

  12. wow what a surprise- they had a shitload of guns.
    how the fuck did they get them?

    • The same way criminals get whatever they want – they ignore whatever laws say they can’t have them, and go get them anyway. They also had bombs and grenades – maybe we should make it illegal to own bombs and grenades, that will ensure criminals never kill anyone with bombs or grenades ever again, according to your shitbrained theory.

      • so we obviously have to crack down on these stubborn uncooperative criminals that keep breaking the law.
        thank you for your brilliant solution to the problem.

      • Kim's Unborn Piglet

        They didn’t have to “ignore” the law. The weapons they had anyone without a felony conviction can get. What you are basically stating is that the NRA lobby fucked up our countries laws so badly that it doesn’t make a difference if you’re a criminal or not. The NRA doesn’t want ANY gun control laws, so there is nothing to “skirt”. What a pussy way of looking at it

  13. DudeGuy

    Pretty much exactly what it’s like when you get 5 wanted stars on Grand Theft Auto.

  14. Sven Golly

    The Chechen connection was a surprise, I know those brothers as Mario and Luigi.

  15. JungleRed

    To paraphrase Cormac McCarthy, there’s always been more punishment than crime in the world. What a shame it’s the only reaction we know.

  16. Yeah and it turns out it wasn’t white guys who love their guns and Constitution but Muslims – who would have guessed that?

  17. Frank Burns

    Ruslan Tsarni, the uncle of these bomber douchebags absolutely rocks:

  18. Project Mayhem

    First rule of project mayhem.

  19. Buck

    liberals are ridiculous

    • GoBackToTheFarmBuck

      What in the fuck does this have to do with liberals. Are you so brainwashed by Limbaugh and fox news that you have to interject an insult towards liberals in every concievable fucking topic?

  20. This is actually small time for Chechens. Check out the Beslan School massacre and the Moscow theater hostage crisis. This is amateur hour for Chechans probably because these idiots were basically Chechen American guys acting out a Jihadi fantasy.

    The future of terrorism is Mumbai style attacks where a few armed men engage in run and gun battles across locked down cities. It grabs headlines over several days, its easy to organize, difficult to prevent, and it stops commerce dead. This event will be studied by both sides and lessons will be learned.

  21. Alice Pooper

    Why they really want to blow us up explained: Seems like the real beef with Islamic fundamentalist types is our Western failure to properly treat women like garbage. It really pisses them off. Little maggot boy probably got shot down by some high school honeys and then imagined how awesome it is to be a Taliban “man” where women give it up or get acid thrown in the face or ears cut off or nose or clit or whatever. It’s all about pussy. Every fundamentalist group insists women be slaves for men (yes, I know, sounds sorta appealing) so if you’re a filthy little scrub of a human too pathetic to attract a woman, getting on board with ideology that reduces women to subservient slaves is the way to go. Let’s shoot a little girl in the head because she’s spouting off about going to school! Really? These vile, sub-human little freakos need to be incinerated. Someone please get on that.

  22. LadyJustice

    See, I knew you commentors were ignorant , mean and superficial, but i guessed that was due to the name of the website and the fact that its a celebrity blog. Now I understand that every single one of you is a complete media fed retard. It is so incredibly easy to just sit back and absorb every single news announcement and completely and blindly believe everything they try to feed your lazy asses. Call it a conspiracy theory, call it what u will. But call it that after you have researched everything about the case and have formed your own opinion. None of you even dare consider the other side of the story, and why i wonder? Your government is incapable of hurting? Killing kids? Destroying futures for people across the world? Oh wait, they are. But they would never do that to their sweet loving american citizens. WAKE THE FUCK UP.

    • Hung Well

      The evidence is 3 dead civilians, a dead MIT officer, a dead suspect, and dozens more with 1 or more limbs blown off. Yes I am media fed. Its kinda hard for me to stop living my life and drive up to Boston and inspect all the blown up body parts with myown eyes. So I use various forms of mass media to get info. Its called duh.

    • Alice Pooper

      Yeah, I considered the “other side of the story”: Loser asshole drags his younger brother into act of despicable madness because he’s miserable in Western culture. All this conspiracy theory nonsense is for pseudo intellectuals who can’t ever take something at face value. Then the rant about how horrible the U.S. Government always follows. Yeesh. Imagine how none of this would have happened if Mr. Sicko had just gotten on a plane, then a donkey, and headed to the caves where he could have lived among the rest of the atrocious animals who do shit like forcing child girls to marry crusty and rancid old men. He’d be among his fellow radical crazies and we’d be rid of another psycho here in the U.S.

      • LadyJustice

        Do you think people come up with these “alternative” truths because it’s much easier and nicer to think that your enemy is right above you, controling and with bad intentions than it is to think we are being attacked by an outsider? It is your way of thinking that is much easier and naive, blindly wanting to believe in the bad man wishing you harm and your daddy president that surely will protect you.

        This back and forth arguing has been done so so many times, and none of your views ever change, so i’m definitely not going to even waste words on it any longer. Stick to your gossiping like old bored market women, that’s the only thing you people can use any braincapacity for.

      • Alice Pooper

        “old bored market woman” LOL! Never been called that! Clearly, you ain’t from the Midwest. Anyway, I disagree with your beliefs, theories, whatever, but my U.S.A. mind firmly believes in your right to have and express those thoughts. For real. That’s how I was raised in the GREATEST COUNTRY ON EARTH. Game over, I won. Now, I got to get back to perusing and cruising the bikini pics ’cause this old market woman is into that shit. PEACE.

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