Blue. Ivy.

January 8th, 2012 // 56 Comments

Real quick, how long has Beyonce had a super-huge black dong? — Now’s not the time, just talk about the baby? You’re right.

After weeks of preparing every single hospital in New York to evacuate at a mucus plug’s notice, Beyonce and Jay-Z welcomed their first child together Saturday night. A baby girl named Blue Ivy Carter, and oh, what a joyous occasion it was. So joyous, in fact, that Gwyneth Paltrow still hopped on Twitter and made sure everyone knows she has black friends. And they’re not even the help!

- Welcome to the world Blue! We love you already.
- RT @Sparrow_Teague @GwynethPaltrow is it ivy blue, or blue ivy? so confused..It’s Blue Ivy Carter!

See? She even knew the baby’s real name while the rest of us sat in our ignorant hovels of filth and squalor like non-organic street rats. On that note, who wants to start taking bets on how long it takes Gwyneth to water birth Aquamarine Azalea (Suck it, Madonna.) Martin in a pool of dinosaur tears? I say November.

Photos: Splash News

superficial

  1. Beyonce Pregnant
    Nattypants
    Commented on this photo:

    Super huge black dong? Nah, that’s about average.

  2. Just for once, I’d like to see a celebrity name their kid something normal. Like “Steve.”

  3. lmao @ Aquamarine Tusk Martin

  4. Beyonce Pregnant
    baloo
    Commented on this photo:

    what the heck is that?

  5. Ina Garten's Panty Shield

    You guys put in weekend hours to post this story? Yikes.

  6. Green Moss

    No illuminati conspiracy theories? I hear the baby is named after Lucifers exwife or some shit…

  7. Gigos

    “Blue Ivy” sounds like a strand of marijuana.

  8. MrsWrong

    I thought Jay-Z was gonna name her Brooklyn Carter (It’s a song reference)

  9. Shouldn’t be Black Ivy? I mean call a spade a spade….

  10. Snack pack

    Somthing about this whole “pregnancy” thing seemed awfully fake to me. Am I the only one to think that?

    • Sliver

      No, I’m with you on that one.

    • kelly preston can’t believe how fake that pregnancy belly is

    • Venom

      Not at all. Her timeline and everything was just all over the place.

      • mrsmass

        right. she said in some video that she was six months along september 23rd or whatever the date was. but she’s due in february? don’t think that adds up. but again, she probably has a longer gestation period than a normal human female.

    • Rick

      Why would she fake a pregnancy? TMZ would figure it out in no time. Plus if they can’t have a child adopting one would bring even more publicity. No self-respecting celeb would skip that.

      • Marie

        Surrogate is what I think it is! Y’all really think Beyoncé’s gonna mess with her “perfect” body, puhleezeee *smh*

    • juicyfruit

      Let’s see how ‘fast’ she looks absolutely perfect again. I think it was all a hoax as well. Her belly was big then small and ‘hidden’ all the time. It looked larger at the VMA’s and then got smaller again. She must have had a surrogate… the ‘collapsing belly’ photos were hilarious.

  11. The Brown Streak

    Holy crap, you mean blue ivy shot out of her vagina? Wait…wasn’t this a subplot of Troll 2?

  12. Beyonce Pregnant
    Blackdong
    Commented on this photo:

    OH..

  13. tumble weed

    Sunday. Bloody Sunday.

  14. Devo

    I think you’re tired Mr. Fish. You’re “Aquamarine Tusk Martin” joke would only make sense if the baby’s name was “Blue Ivory,” not Blue Ivy.

  15. Beyonce Pregnant
    Mike Walker
    Commented on this photo:

    ‘Scuse me while I whip this out..

  16. Erica

    Congrats to Beyoncé’s surrogate mother!

  17. Beyonce Pregnant
    Commented on this photo:

    I can’t figure out which side she will be birthing from?

  18. Mando

    J’s offspring she will later become known as Bubba-Blue.

  19. lalalalalalala

    i don´t believe that she was pregnant…too fake pregnancy…look at jessica simpson and everybodby believe that she is pregnant…her body is biiiig…and this holly B? why she didn´t put on weight, when she was pregnant? because she is type of women who has to look like “big mama” with big boobs, ass, thigh and her face…but there is nothing..only lie…poor

  20. Rick

    Congrets to Beyonce. Now could we stop celebs from giving their kids names that will get them beat up or ridiculed in school. But I guess they’ll go to celeb schools where everyone else will have similar names.

  21. Beyonce Pregnant
    rican
    Commented on this photo:

    Wow, even black women have big dicks.

  22. Cock Dr

    With that daddy this celebrity child may turn out to be the absolute homeliest one of all time.
    Will watch to see Jay-Z figure out a way to market that.

    • This kid would have to go some to out-homely the Willis girls, but with a dad that looks like a camel, it could be close.

  23. Beyonce Pregnant
    Commented on this photo:

    seems legit

  24. Da Cheese

    So, they rushed Beyonce to the hospital (and probably the surrogate or girl Jay-Z knocked up) and then “delivered” Beyonce’s baby? Sounds right.

  25. She got a big ole dick in that first picture.

    Snarf.

  26. Beyonce Pregnant
    dontlooknow
    Commented on this photo:

    OMG…women AND men should be scared of that!

  27. Beyonce Pregnant
    Justin Bieber
    Commented on this photo:

    Mmm I want to suck it

  28. Kristen

    Blue Ivy.

    They have an obsession with the number four (they were both born on the 4th, B’s 4th album is named 4). — IV — Ivy

    Jay-Z has three Blueprint albums.

    Blue IV.

    BLUE IVY.

    Mind blown?

    • oh i know

      Sadly, it makes PERFECT sense!!

    • browny

      Baby naming for the illterate. Apple, Seven, Blue… I mean, really, what do we expect? This isn’t the brain trust here, this is celebutards at their best. We call them bogans here. Chavs in the UK. What are they called in the US?

  29. Beyonce Pregnant
    Commented on this photo:

    It only LOOKS like a Kardashian endorsed member, it’s actually the shattered remains of her vagina following childbirth. All vagina’s look this way after giving birth, I read it on the internet.

  30. Jimbo

    Why has nobody figured out that she is not pregnant. Look at all of the other real pregnant celbs. their faces are fat, their asses are fat, they look pregnant. Beyonce is just a skinny as she always was, but a fake bump in the front.

  31. Beyonce Pregnant
    Dan
    Commented on this photo:

    Does anyone think it’s weird that they’re naming their kind Blue Ivy, when the name of the new, super-potent heroin in American Gangster, the movie for which Jay-Z did the soundtrack, is called “Blue Magic”? Coincidence?

  32. i never seen those collapsing belly pics of her until today.. yea thats a lil fucked. and out of all the pregnant celebs over the years hers seemed the most hidden. thats a lil suspicious.

  33. Lou Scunt

    She gave birth to a pillow. The media is treating like this is the second coming. Go away Beyonce.

  34. verga

    go to google images and search for pictures of:

    jessica alba pregnant
    natalie portman pregnant
    halle berry pregnant
    salma hayek pregnant

    there are fucking loads of pictures of them looking very pregnant.

    search for beyonce pregnant and you just get nothing remotely conclusive, and a shot of her on the beach after eating a large pizza by herself.

    she’s a fucking liar

  35. browny

    Yeah, she didn’t have the kid. It was had for them. She never looked pregnant, even with the ‘belly’. She is too big a woman to have just had the bump, ie, thin women often just look slim with a baby bump, but she’s never been slim (well, not in many, many years) so she would (should) have looked pregnant all over like Alba, Simpson et al.

    I call ‘gestational carrier’ a la Kidman/Urban.

  36. It’s pretty stupid to name your baby after your husband’s ex-girlfriend/fling, who’s name is Blue Cantrel, the singer. Besides, this ‘Bedunce’ looks like a frog especially when hair is pulled back. Did you see those weird ears?,,

    • Anamika

      I’m not trying to be mean, I adrmie you for just having the audacity to do what you do. Just some constructive criticism, don’t move your body so much, don’t give away how you personally feel about it, and make sure your make up, even though wild, doesn’t look terrible. Those three things are quite distracting and take away from you being a success.

  37. Gera

    honey if you saw his other post you’d see I ask him did he see a pic (there were no POSTERS) he went off calling me bihtces and hoes thats what I was being defensive and argumentive about and my question to you was just not about her but why if you say anything on youtube these days ppl feel the right to call you bihtces and hoes and even then you went on defense saying I was arguing when I clearly AGREED with you I’m just over this and ppl on youtube PERIOD everybody so touchy

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