Blake Lively GOOPed Early

July 22nd, 2014 // 14 Comments

If I had to list Blake Lively‘s accomplishments in order, they’d be the following:

Great breasts.
Great breasts.
Great breasts.
Risked getting karate-kicked to death by Jennifer Garner.
Great breasts.
Not too shabby legs.
Great breasts.

Oh, and something about a TV show. It’s not important. Anyway, I don’t know if any of this qualifies Blake to be a curator of artisinal living, but she’s going to try anyway because, in her defense, people are spending millions of dollars on a Kim Kardashian app, so it’s not like quality’s the issue here. Which brings us to her introductory editor’s letter for her new website Preserve that launched two days early and isn’t trying to be GOOP, but sounds an awful lot like GOOP. Mostly because Blake Lively should never write anything again. Ever.

Sitting down to write this editor’s letter has been the hardest thing I’ve done yet on my Preserve journey. I’m more intimidated than I should probably admit. I’m no editor, no artisan, no expert. And certainly no arbiter of what you should buy, wear, or eat.
I am hungry, though… not just for enchiladas.
I’m hungry for experience.

*watches penis try to dive into pencil sharpener*

I’m comfortable with the knowledge that I’m not a teacher, but rather, a student. I don’t do any one thing perfectly. I do a lot of things though. Some well, some not-so-well.
I’ve been fortunate enough to travel. I’ve been all over the world and all over this country. There’s so much life teeming out of every pocket of this nation. There are people creating magic with their bare hands. Creating things which land at that amazing intersection between art and function.
I’ve found that when approached with a curious spirit, people are kind, they’re generous, they answer, if asked. They’ll often open their doors and hearts and let you in. Because people with wisdom have stories to tell, and want them heard.
Everyone has a story to tell.

In fairness, I have this blog which serves no beneficial purpose to anyone but myself, so in a sense, she’s not far off. The Internet is where anyone can go to shit out their boring lives in hopes someone will stare into the toilet while it flushes away.

The function of Preserve is part magazine, part e-commerce hub, part philanthropic endeavor and above all, a place to showcase the power of imagination, ingenuity, quality, and above all, people.
Preserve is a creative space. A space which honors both tradition and innovation — a space which honors the future, while having a love affair with the past…
As for how we operate, we haven’t looked at Preserve as a new website, but rather as a new street. A sort of greatest hits of “Main Street, USA”. While the whole world races to keep up with technology, we tighten our laces, join the race, but our end goal is to preserve what’s already there.

I will pay cash money to anyone who explain to me what the hell just one of those sentences meant. “Main Street, USA?” That’s some Sarah Palin shit. Or more accurately, her ghostwriter’s shit who I’m assuming has a new job describing $25 BBQ sauce.

As I wrap up, I have to recognize who Preserve really is now, before we’ve met you. “Preserve” isn’t me. It’s a handful of the most dedicated, soulful, wise, patient people I’ve ever had the honor of working alongside. People who’ve filled the pages of this site with a force of passion, talent and integrity.

So what you’re saying is there won’t be bikini Instagrams of you on the site? Then why did I just spend $10.50 plus shipping and handling on artisinal hot fudge? I’LL KILL YOU! — Okay, that was a bit rape culture-y. That was uncalled for. I apologize. Let’s start over: I’ll DESTROY YOUR SEO! RAWR!

Photo: Preserve / Fame/Flynet, Getty, Pacific Coast News, Vantagenews/VPA/AKM-GSI

superficial

  1. Balls Mcgee

    LESS TALKY MORE TITTY

  2. My own farts smell the best, but a hot woman’s farts come in a close second.

  3. Short Round

    Based on all she just wrote I realized I’ve never before experienced someone have a multiple personality disorder battle of minds while writing a single paragraph. Or she’s just full of shit.

  4. Took one for the team (in the artisanal fudge) and visited the website. They are donating 5% of purchases to Covenant House to help abused kids, which is great (even if it’s only for the first year), but the problem is that it makes the pretentious wankery of the rest of the site look even more out-of-touch (with an $18 “cereal killer” spoon to scoop your own GOOP right back into your GOOPY mouth).

    I’m sure there’s a pretentiouspreneur joke around here somewhere.

  5. that girl

    All I have to say: Dave Coulier – Alanis Morissette, Alanis Morissette – Ryan Reynolds, Ryan Reynolds – Blake Lively. Good luck trying to not think about Joey Gladstone now.

  6. We’ve all gooped a little early. No big deal.

  7. Darling

    FAKE BREASTS, Fish. Sorry to burst your bubble.

    • Cher X

      Oh and look the poor dear had to “handwrite” all of the pretension while wearing little more than a nightslip. That’s dedication right there.

  8. Slash

    She didn’t write any of that shit. Some marketing drone wrote it and she approved it (after edits, of course).

  9. Pat C.

    Jesus Christ, can you imagine being her boyfriend and having to listen to this babble all the time?

  10. …this makes me believe those blind items are really her …i just SHM at all these “actresses” who can’t get TV or movie work anymore so they try anything to create a new revenue stream in the “celebrity” industry in order to keep from getting an actual job …a fragrance, a clothing line, a book deal, an infomercial, a lifestyle website …it’s all just so contrived and desperate.

  11. Swearin

    Gwyneth Paltrow is going to cut a bitch; she’s the ONLY boring, white, blonde actress allowed to take Oprah’s Favorite Things concept and build an entire lifestyle commerce website out of it, and then not call it an actual website.

  12. D-chi

    “vivacious vegan versions of his tantalizingly tempting treats”

    Is Courtney Stodden her ghost writer??

  13. Oh my shit. Did you get a load of the “greater good” page??

    Wow. Just wow:

    ““Doing good” is often looked at with a cynical eye. For good reason. Much of it is a selfish act— it feels good, it sounds good, it can be quite self-congratulatory. While it is personally rewarding, there is an impact to be made when we can step back and acknowledge the truths in the motivation— not only the selfish ones, but the ones bred of a genuine desire to be there for others, others who don’t regularly have the fortunate opportunities that we do each day.

    Let us be clear. We are a for-profit business.

    We celebrate and indulge in the treasures both high and low that we feature on Preserve. We are aware that a lot of what we are selling is outlandish in a world where people are starving and have nowhere to sleep. This is a real problem. One that even on our high horse we can’t ignore. This is our community. Each of ours.

    We have set our first goal of giving 5,000 children a meal, 2,000 children a blanket, and 2,700 children a warm hoodie, all within the U.S.

    We’re a small, but growing company. Our giving reflects our age. As we mature so will our contribution both fiscally and physically.

    We acknowledge that we are human and are flawed. But please accept, our intention is to do something pure. So we ask you, let this be a conversation. Help us grow. Help us give. Please critique us, teach us and be patient with us in the process, as ultimately we are all in this, this spinning sphere, together.”

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