Blake Lively GOOPed Early

If I had to list Blake Lively’s accomplishments in order, they’d be the following:

Great breasts.
Great breasts.
Great breasts.
Risked getting karate-kicked to death by Jennifer Garner.
Great breasts.
Not too shabby legs.
Great breasts.

Oh, and something about a TV show. It’s not important. Anyway, I don’t know if any of this qualifies Blake to be a curator of artisinal living, but she’s going to try anyway because, in her defense, people are spending millions of dollars on a Kim Kardashian app, so it’s not like quality’s the issue here. Which brings us to her introductory editor’s letter for her new website Preserve that launched two days early and isn’t trying to be GOOP, but sounds an awful lot like GOOP. Mostly because Blake Lively should never write anything again. Ever.

Sitting down to write this editor’s letter has been the hardest thing I’ve done yet on my Preserve journey. I’m more intimidated than I should probably admit. I’m no editor, no artisan, no expert. And certainly no arbiter of what you should buy, wear, or eat.
I am hungry, though… not just for enchiladas.
I’m hungry for experience.

*watches penis try to dive into pencil sharpener*

I’m comfortable with the knowledge that I’m not a teacher, but rather, a student. I don’t do any one thing perfectly. I do a lot of things though. Some well, some not-so-well.
I’ve been fortunate enough to travel. I’ve been all over the world and all over this country. There’s so much life teeming out of every pocket of this nation. There are people creating magic with their bare hands. Creating things which land at that amazing intersection between art and function.
I’ve found that when approached with a curious spirit, people are kind, they’re generous, they answer, if asked. They’ll often open their doors and hearts and let you in. Because people with wisdom have stories to tell, and want them heard.
Everyone has a story to tell.

In fairness, I have this blog which serves no beneficial purpose to anyone but myself, so in a sense, she’s not far off. The Internet is where anyone can go to shit out their boring lives in hopes someone will stare into the toilet while it flushes away.

The function of Preserve is part magazine, part e-commerce hub, part philanthropic endeavor and above all, a place to showcase the power of imagination, ingenuity, quality, and above all, people.
Preserve is a creative space. A space which honors both tradition and innovation — a space which honors the future, while having a love affair with the past…
As for how we operate, we haven’t looked at Preserve as a new website, but rather as a new street. A sort of greatest hits of “Main Street, USA”. While the whole world races to keep up with technology, we tighten our laces, join the race, but our end goal is to preserve what’s already there.

I will pay cash money to anyone who explain to me what the hell just one of those sentences meant. “Main Street, USA?” That’s some Sarah Palin shit. Or more accurately, her ghostwriter’s shit who I’m assuming has a new job describing $25 BBQ sauce.

As I wrap up, I have to recognize who Preserve really is now, before we’ve met you. “Preserve” isn’t me. It’s a handful of the most dedicated, soulful, wise, patient people I’ve ever had the honor of working alongside. People who’ve filled the pages of this site with a force of passion, talent and integrity.

So what you’re saying is there won’t be bikini Instagrams of you on the site? Then why did I just spend $10.50 plus shipping and handling on artisinal hot fudge? I’LL KILL YOU! — Okay, that was a bit rape culture-y. That was uncalled for. I apologize. Let’s start over: I’ll DESTROY YOUR SEO! RAWR!

Photo: Preserve / Fame/Flynet, Getty, Pacific Coast News, Vantagenews/VPA/AKM-GSI