I Better Get To Fight Jesus: The Superficial’s First Impressions of ‘Bioshock Infinite’

As Photo Boy pointed out earlier, first thing this morning I ran out and picked up a copy of Bioshock Infinite for PS3 then left him with specific instructions to post hillbilly boobs and alert everyone Usher’s going to molest again while I spent a few hours poking into this – so far – goddamn masterpiece. So below are my non-video game expert, and spoiler free, thoughts on what I’ve played which are nowhere near a full review, but if you pop over to Kotaku, they’ve got a nice compilation of how majestically this thing is peeing in the industry’s butt.

Let’s Temper Expectations

Before I gush all over the few hours I played, let me drop a giant bread crumb into my personal life by summing up the state of my gaming over the past two years: If it didn’t have LEGO or Skylanders in the title, I wasn’t playing it. So this was like giving a virgin a hooker that looks exactly like his high school crush. And has a Playstation in her schnizzle.

I Didn’t Fight Anybody For Two Hours And Loved It

Okay, it was more like an hour and 45 minutes, but during that time I didn’t fire a single bullet or use a single power – “Vigors” this time around, as opposed to plasmids. – and just poked in every corner soaking everything in. If people were talking, I eavesdropped. If a cityscape was floating by, I looked at it. If there was money sitting in a purse in a church, I stole the shit out of it. I also obsessively hunted for Voxophones – The audio recordings heavily employed in Bioshock. – and found maybe four or five that, until my last one, barely scratched the surface of what the hell is going on in this flying Jesus And The Founding Fathers Fucked And Made A Baby city. I even looked so hard I noticed the statue of the Prophet Zachary Comstock has a vagina and took a picture with my phone. See:

Comstock Statue Vagina Bioshock Infinite

That’s a vagina.

But incredible detective skills aside, this game will immerse you if you let it. I would purposely use the down arrow to see where I was supposed to go and go everywhere but there as long as I could. From the visuals, to the score (Great GammaSquad interview with composer Gary Schyman here.), to the attention to detail, you can just fucking bathe in it. Which I may end up doing instead of actual bathing for the foreseeable future.

Everybody Wants To Bang Me

For a floating religious city you can’t enter without being baptized, the chicks – And the dudes! – can’t seem to stop commenting how fit and handsome I look which proves video game characters can see through my TV and are filthy peeping toms. I blame the vagina statue.

The Little Things

Whiskey fuels my health. Coffee fuels my power. It’s like this game knows me better than I know myself.

That’s One Way To Start The Combat

Once I ran out of options and had to start making progress in the game, it goes from “Oh, are you enjoying the nice pleasant stroll through beautiful flying land?” to “HOLY SHIT THAT JUST HAPPENED” (Not to mention the setup.) and from there the lid’s ripped right the fuck off this thing. For a game that boasts various weapons and ridiculous shit you can fire out of your hands, it’s almost impossible not to just walk around meleeing every bad guy to death because GOOD GOD. I legitimately was pissed when I got to a spot where my adversary didn’t have a head to deliver hooked death to and I had to turn my hands into hellfire (Which reminds me, the little video for each vigor: Brilliant.) and blow him up instead. Why did you even give me this hook?!

This Thing Is Going To Piss People Off

From interviews with Bioshock creator Ken Levine and early previews, it was obvious Bioshock Infinite was going to do to American jingoism and religious zealotry what it did to Ayn Rand in the first game. White supremacist groups were already pissed at “Jew Ken Levine” before the game was even out because it deals with slavery and – gasp – that we weren’t so awesome to black people in the 1900s. We got better. Slightly. Not to mention, it tackles the marriage of Christianity and politics and, through a very small glimpse through a carnival game, I’ve seen class warfare which a certain political party would prefer if we all denied exists in America, so I see them responding really well to this game. That said, this is all going off early impressions and judging from some of the weirdness I won’t spoil, who knows what the fuck’s going to happen to this story? (I’ll post my review when I beat the game and see how way off I am. Bring the kids.)

Is It Worth Picking Up?

Going off of reviews and what I’ve little I played, I’m honestly amazed you’re still sitting here reading this. The combat is crisp, the story is compelling, the world is just insanely detailed, and I haven’t even seen the chick’s boobs I’m trying to save yet.

Bioshock Infinite Elizabeth

*places DualShock 3 down pants*


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