Bill Cosby Has Finally Been Charged With Sexual Assault

The Superficial | December 30, 2015 - 11:08 am

“Hands up, don’t Theo!”

Back in July, court documents were unsealed that showed Bill Cosby joking through depositions about his alleged rape of Andrea Constand in 2004 and bragging about his ability to read women’s sexual desires for him despite being completely unaware that Andrea Constand is a lesbian. On top of that, he also remarkably admitted to giving women Quaaludes to make it easier for him to have sex with them, which has allowed prosecutors to charge him this morning with felony sexual assault and issue a warrant for his arrest. PEOPLE reports:

Cosby is expected to be arraigned later this afternoon in Elkins Park, Pennsylvania.
“A prosecutor’s job is to follow the evidence wherever it leads and whenever it comes to light,” Steele said. “Upon examination of all the evidence, today we are able to seek justice on behalf of the victim.”
Prosecutor say the the release of a deposition last summer from a 2005 civil suit filed by Constand, in which Cosby admitted to giving quaaludes to women he wanted to have sex with, caused the District Attorney’s office to reopen the case.

Of course, this probably seems great to all the idiots who like to scream “innocent until proven guilty” while completely oblivious to the uphill, and predominantly futile, battle to convict rapists, but let’s not pretend this isn’t going to end in Bill Cosby revealing he has enough money to buy the entire state of Pennsylvania and make Quaaludes the state everything.

“And then when Quaaly the Quaalude bird drops them Quaalude fruit in the women’s drinks, I’m gonna be all wozzle wizzle wazzling with the pudding pop because, even though they asleep, I can read them pages of the body with the sensualism and the zappity wow, Rudy!”
“Who’s Bill Cosby talking to inside the Liberty Bell?”
“Dude, shut up, that’s the Dome of Rape now. Just drink your Quaalude-cino before the cops arrest you.”

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Photo: Getty