Bertney’s Christmas And Other Stories
A Caldecott Medal Winner
Bertney loved “Kissmas.” It was her most favorite time of the year. All the houses had such pretty decorations, and she couldn’t wait to get toys!
Papa had dropped her off at the store to get “cigamett sticks” and find gifts she would like to ask Santa for, but something very unusual happened when Bertney went through the checkout.
“Happy Holidays!” said the cashier as Bertney paid for her items.
“Happy Holidays?” Bertney thought. “What in the heck does that mean?”
Bertney walked outside with a confused look on her face. Nothing that had happened made any sense to her.
“Why the confused look?” Papa asked.
“Papa,” Bertney asked, “What does ‘Happy Holidays’ mean?”
“Who said that to you?” Papa asked sternly. His face looked awfully angry.
“The… the register lady,” Bertney answered. She didn’t like when Papa looked angry.
“Bertney Jean,” that was Papa’s serious voice. “Get in the car.”
Bertney quickly got in the car and watched as Papa pulled his shotgun out of the trunk. Bertney didn’t know what was happening. There sure weren’t any possums around. Papa stomped into the store, and soon she heard loud bangs that frightened her very much. Soon Papa came outside covered in ketchup, but Bertney didn’t remember him saying he was having lunch.
“Papa,” Bertney asked. “What did you do in there?”
“A reapenin'” Papa said. “A reapenin’ for the sinful inequities of this world, Bertney Jean. A reapenin’ for the immoral decay of all that is wrong with this God forsaken country. I swear to you those people met their maker today. And they met him swiftly.”
Bertney began to cry. She didn’t like when Papa got angry.
“Papa,” she whimpered. “I don’t like when you get mad before Jesus’s berfday.”
Papa’s face slowly got less angry, and soon he looked at Bertney with a smile.
“Bertney,” he said. “You’re right. This here’s a happy time. What say you and I go see Santa?”
“Oh, boy!” Bertney squealed. She loved Santa!
“Can I ask for Furnch Fries for Kissmas?” she asked Papa excitedly.
“Haha, no,” Papa said before putting on her shock collar.
NOTE: Huge thanks to you guys for loving the shit out of something that was literally a suicidal outlet for me after being exposed to hours upon hours of Caillou, so here are all the Bertney stories from 2013 for your reading pleasure. Think of it as me stuffing your stocking full of Britney, and all the erotic possibilities that entails which should be none because she’s a ward of the state, you sicko. What’s wrong with you?
Bertney Takes A Bus Ride
by Beatrix Potter
“I ain’t ever been on a red one before,” Bertney said, as building after building whooshed by. “I wonder what kinda school it goes to.”
With each passing turn, Bertney would throw up her arms and yell, “Whee!” all the while wondering if English peoples got McDonald’s.
“Y’all just have to have MigNuggets,” she told the bus driver who let her wear his cap. “They taste like happy! Especially when they all come with their best friends… Furnch fries!” she giggled.
As the passengers stopped to get off, Bertney waved at each one wishing them a good day and hoping that “mean old Queen don’t chop off their heads.”
“If you see card people, run!” she warned them.
Bertney liked to run and play, but lately, all her papa wanted to do was make her wear outfits that show off her boobies for videos and made Bertney feel funny inside, like she wasn’t a good girl.
These thoughts made Bertney very sad. She didn’t want to ride the bus anymore.
But, wait, what was that? Up ahead. Golden Arches!
“Hurray!” yelled Bertney as her bad feelings went away. This was going to be the best day she ever had.
Bertney And The Boobies
by A.A. Milne
Bertney knew she had promised her papa to let people look at her boobies if she got to ride the double bus like a big girl, but it still didn’t make Bertney feel good inside.
“Lettin’ people see my nippler buttons makes me feel icky in mah belly,”
Caillou Bertney had said to papa with a sad face. “Sometimes I fink I’ll never be a good girl again.”
“Cheer up, Bertney,” papa said. “This is how we get money for McDonald’s. You like McDonald’s, don’t you?”
Bertney shook her head yes. McDonald’s is her favorite! Maybe showing her boobies won’t be so bad after all.
“Now go on out there and let the people have a look at you with their picture boxes,” papa said while giving Bertney a big hug. “And smile for the lights!”
Bertney couldn’t wait to make more money for McDonald’s. “Papas always make everything better,” she thought with a smile.
Bertney And The Baby Goose
by Shel Silverstein
Bertney liked being on radio shows. They always had her favorite candy while she waited. But Bertney didn’t like when her publicist made her remember answers while she was trying to eat her candy.
“These words don’t fit in my brain,” Bertney would say between bites of Skittles.
What Bertney did like was talking about her dreams. Sometimes she dreamt about seeing her old friends from the Mickey Mouse Club, like Ryan Gosling, and she couldn’t wait to tell everybody the next morning.
“Well, what did y’all do in your dreams?” Papa would always ask while pouring a bowl of Froot Loops. Bertney liked Froot Loops for breakfast.
“Just talk,” Bertney would answer. “Talk and talk and talk. Sometimes about ice cream!”
But these radio hosts didn’t want to talk about dreams. They just wanted to talk about a sex movie. Bertney didn’t like sex movies, but she did like James Franco. Bertney had no idea who he was, but his name was fun to say.
“Who do you think should be in Fifty Shades of Grey?” the host asked.
“James Franco!” Bertney squealed. “James Franco James Franco James Franco!”
The hosts started to make a frowny face, but Bertney didn’t know what was wrong. Suddenly, Papa came in the room with lollipops, and everything was all better again. Bertney loved lollipops.
Bertney And The Belly
An Early Reader Adventure
Bertney knew she wasn’t supposed to leave the dance studio without covering her belly up, but the ice cream truck was right outside.
“If people see your belly, they wouldn’t believe you’re a dancer, and then we can’t go on tours anymore,” Papa had warned her.
Bertney liked being with the other dancers. They played dress up and had sleepovers and one dancer even put two babies in her belly that she gets to watch cartoons with. Bertney loves cartoons. But sometimes the baby boys would call Bertney “Mama.”
“Silly babies,” Bertney would tell them. “Only grow’d ups can be mamas.”
Then they would laugh and laugh until the boys went to their other home the nice judge at the courthouse said they had to live in. Bertney wished she had two homes to live in.
“Two kitchens means two fridge-a-rators with TWO times the ice cream!” Bertney would tell Papa while he tucked her in and checked for monsters under the bed.
“I suppose it would,” he’d always say with a smile.
Bertney Kisses A Boy
For Grades K – 5
Bertney had to kiss a boy for her new perfume commercial, but Bertney didn’t like kissing boys. And she especially didn’t like commercials.
“But boys’ moufs don’t even taste like Furnch fries!” she told Papa. “And ‘mercials ruin my cartoons,” she said with a pout.
“Now, Bertney,” Papa said. “People won’t buy your perfume if they don’t think it will make them fall in love.”
“How do you fall into love?” Bertney asked. “Wouldn’t that hurt?”
“Well, you see, Bertney. When two people start spending a lot of time together and never want to be apart, that’s called falling in love.”
“Then I falled in love with ice cream!” Bertney laughed.
“Haha, I’d say that’s true,” Papa said with a smile. “Now be a good girl and open your mouth for the nice boy so Santa can bring you lots of presents this year.”
“Presents!” Bertney squealed with a clap. “Oh boy!”
“And if he tries to touch your secret place, tell him he has to pay Papa extra.”
“Haha, Papa, I don’t even know what that means!”
Bertney And The Magic Casino
A Yay! Phonics Reader
“Can I play the mersheen with the shiny coins?” Bertney asked Papa excitedly as they walked inside their hotel.
“Not now, Bertney,” Papa replied grumpily. He was upset because one of the bodyguards gave Bertney a chocolate bar on the flight. Bertney wasn’t allowed to have sugar on flights, but it tasted so good and all she had to do was show him her tinkle place. Bertney loved making trades.
“How about the spinny thing with them numbers in it?” Bertney asked.
“Not now!” Papa replied even more angrily.
“He’s in a really bad mood,” thought Bertney. “I know what’ll cheer him up.”
While Papa talked to the lady at the counter, Bertney went to the gift shop where a crowd of people gathered. Her plan was already working.
“Y’all give me five dollahs, and I’ll show mah boobies!” she told the crowd as fists full of money shot in the air. Bertney lifted up her shirt then quickly gathered up all the money. Surely this would make Papa smile.
“Papa! Papa!” Bertney yelled as she raced back to the counter. “I made you a hun’red dollahs!”
“Bertney,” Papa asked. “Where did you get this money?”
“Boobie show!” Bertney giggled making Papa laugh, too. He forgot all about the chocolate bar, and even told the nice man who carried their suitcases to put cartoons on for her. It was the bestest day she ever had.