The Ben Affleck Jennifer Garner Divorce Is Actually Happening

Like a hunter chasing a wounded deer through the woods, but without all of the fresh air, physical effort, or skill, the tabloids have been waiting for weeks to be proven right that Ben Affleck and Jennifer Garner are getting divorced despite their best efforts to fake family outings for the paparazzi that quickly devolved into Batfleck visibly wanting nothing more than for his purple vest to choke him the fuck out (above). And now that day has finally come, so champagne for everyone! We did it! Three – Four? – innocent kids probably think this was their fault! Whee!

“After much thought and careful consideration, we have made the difficult decision to divorce,” the couple tells PEOPLE in a joint statement. “We go forward with love and friendship for one another and a commitment to co-parenting our children whose privacy we ask to be respected during this difficult time. This will be our only comment on this private, family matter. Thank you for understanding.”

While having what genuinely seemed like a down-to-earth, realistic marriage, there could be a number of reasons for their divorce from Ben Affleck maybe having sex with Blake Lively, his gambling problem, Jennifer Garner being so crazy awesome at karate you never know when she’ll strike next, or the Batman V Superman trailer being absolutely ridiculous which is my guess because what even was that? “Do you bleed?” Motherfucker, you have to sell LEGOs to eight-year-olds (and me). What are you doing?

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