Here’s A Totally Not Drunk Ben Affleck Slurring About Tom Brady

Ben Affleck can call up Tom Brady anytime and say, “Hey, Tahm, I got this whore with me who wants to see your Supah Bowl rings,” and in two shakes of lamb’s tail, Ben Affleck and his whore will be on a private jet taking pictures with Tom Brady’s Super Bowl rings. So, of course, Batfleck went on Bill Simmon’s Any Given Wednesday and gushed so hard about the Patriots quarterback that Matt Damon should be put on suicide watch. However, between that gushing was lots and lots of slurring, which has the internet convinced Ben Affleck was shitfaced off his ass because here are just some of his rants about Deflategate that make it sound like Tom Brady was nailed to a fucking cross for being the classiest guy you’ll ever meet. I mean, my gahd, Chahleen, did you see him get jerked off by Mark Wahlberg in Ted 2? Wickid classy. Classy all da way.

“This is a conspiracy of people working inside the NFL who all come from organizations that Tom Brady whipped their [butts] over the last 10 or 15 years. These are guys who work for the [expletive] Jets, the Broncos and everybody else, who are now like, ‘Get him! Hang him!’ because they now have some slight, flimsy [expletive] pretense. And Tom is so classy.”

“We’re running our greatest player ever through … this, this mill of humiliation and shame, which is totally unwarranted for the sake of our own bruised egos and our embarrassment and to paper over our mismanagement.”

“I would never give the organization as leak prone as the NFL my fuckin’ cellphone so you can just look through my fuckin’ emails! And listen to my voicemails? …And I don’t know, maybe it’s funny, lovely sex messages from his wife. Maybe it’s just friendly messages from his wife. Maybe it’s, maybe Tom Brady is SO FUCKING CLASSY and SUCH A FUCKING GENTLEMAN that he doesn’t want people to know that he may have reflected on his real opinion of some of his, uh, coworkers.”

Of course, you can see for yourself in the video, but if you don’t have time for that shit, it gets so bad that Ben Affleck’s people had to put out a statement saying he’s so passionate about Tom Brady that to the untrained eye it looks like he’s shitfaced to the moon. TMZ reports:

Sources close to Affleck tell us he’s stone-cold sober, and the slurring is just how passionate he is about Tom Brady. We’re told he and Simmons got into a heated, loud debate before cameras started rolling. So when the taping started at 11 AM, Ben was already fired up.

And there you have it. The only thing Ben Affleck was drunk on is how much he loves Tom Brady, and goddammit, someone really needs to check on Matt Damon. Is he near rope? Are there guns in the house?

And because I have no willpower, here’s Ben Affleck right after the show:

ben affleck vaping
♫ Something’s missing, you got to look back on your life, you know something here just ain’t right… WHAT ABOUT LOVE? ♫

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