Thanks in no small part to Jon Hamm‘s penis stumping in Colorado, Barack Obama and his “Chicago-style politics” were run out of town last night by the American public, except no wait, they weren’t. He was re-elected president to a resounding symphony of white butthurt. So if you’re a Republican who actually thought this was going to turn out differently, here are a few pointers for your party going forward:
1. Minorities and women can vote. I know you just assumed their masters would keep them at home, but somehow they escaped and voted against you, so maybe not shit all over them next election. They’re very crafty.
2. Math wins every time. Even if you call people who use it a faggot, Dean Chambers, you fucking moron, it still exists in this place called reality where facts live. You should visit sometime.
3. Stop saying things like “failed social experiment,” or at least have the balls to say what you really mean which is, “This is what happens when you let a nigger be president.” Also, for the record, what happens is he wins the popular vote again because Americans like his policies and white men are the minority now. (On that note, prepare your women for the “harvesting.” A local member of The New Black Panthers will be by to explain.)
4. Distance yourself from FOX News, Donald Trump and pretty much anyone who thinks rape babies are a gift from God unless he gives you a different gift in the form of a magic secretion that shuts the whole thing down.
5. Mitt Romney didn’t lose because his campaign was “too classy,” he lost because America actually got a glimpse of his true form, and it hates 47% of the population for having the audacity to be poor. You’d just assume that’d be a winning strategy, I know.
All that said, congratulations to Chris Christie in 2016. Because if there’s one thing Americans excel at, it’s voter apathy after four years of economic prosperity. USA!