Ashton Kutcher coaching high school football

As if he could smell the long-dead carcass of his acting career, Ashton Kutcher has accepted the position of assistant head coach for Harvard-Westlake prep school, according to Page Six:

“The team was totally surprised when they showed up for practice and Ashton was there,” said our source. “His best friend is the head coach and asked for his help.”

The universe is in balance today, my friends: Tom Brady is sidelined, Ashton Kutcher’s been reduced to coaching high school football, and I bet there’s even a leftover Boston Creme in the employee lounge…

UPDATE: SON OF A VAGINA! Nothing but coconut. I hate you, mysterious cosmos!