Ashton Kutcher: ‘My Wife’s Trying To Grab My Ass Here. Ya Mind?’

February 10th, 2011 // 51 Comments

Ashton Kutcher and Demi Moore didn’t want to be photographed in Paris last night, probably because Demi likes to walk around with her hand shoved down his ass. (Really shoulda waited on that child-touching joke.) Does its young, soft-yet-firm-ness reverse the effects of aging? One can only speculate while dreamily imagining its hairless splendor glistening in the moonlight, invading your every thought. Mining feelings you never knew you had…

O, butt of Kutcher,
Smooth, steel,
Shackled oppression of our ancestors,
Taught in its clench,
Would thou playeth 300 with me in gilded fields of lilies?
Penis, spear, spear, penis,
Michael Fassbender,
O, butt of Kutcher

Maya Angelou, everyone.

EDIT: Apparently I incorrectly assumed Demi Moore has a massive man-thumb – seemed reasonable – because that’s actually Ashton fingering his own butt. Which really says it all, doesn’t it? Yes, yes it does.

Photos: Pacific Coast News


  1. gogo

    FIRSSSST yuhuuu!!

  2. Christina

    Mismatched odd couple. Demi is particulary embarrassing…

  3. Ashton Kutcher Demi Moore
    Commented on this photo:

    Take those fucking glasses off.

  4. Ashton Kutcher Demi Moore
    Commented on this photo:

    um, that’s not Demi’s hand. If it is, she’s got a thumb where a pinky should be. Nice try though.

  5. Wotwot

    That is clearly his hand, not hers… which is way worse.

  6. Demi is dating Sam Ronson now?

  7. Ashton Kutcher Demi Moore
    Commented on this photo:

    what’s up with the cheek implant?

  8. Richard McBeef

    his face looks like it’s melting. he shouldn’t have looked into the ark.

  9. mamamiasweetpeaches

    Christ hes gettin homely. And the ever presnet ha would imply BALD!

  10. Alice

    This is London, not Paris.

  11. mamamiasweetpeaches

    ^ meant to say “ever present hat”.

  12. elmer the fudd

    Douche Bag – just get over the fact your are going bald, shit can the silly looking skull cap

  13. Maz

    Didn’t know they had London street signs in Paris.

  14. Duh

    That’s his hand, not hers.

  15. Ashton Kutcher Demi Moore
    Commented on this photo:

    That’s his own hand you nitwit!

  16. Ashton Kutcher Demi Moore
    Commented on this photo:

    That’s HIS hand, genius!

    • KAP

      Man, sensationalist idiot…

      He has is own hand in his pants. She has on black nail polish, and thumb is going the wrong way…

  17. jojo

    Please just leave my mother and I alone. Mommy, they won’t leave us alone!

  18. Ashton Kutcher Demi Moore
    Commented on this photo:

    it is his hand down his pants. her hand is on his elbow.

  19. Ashton Kutcher Demi Moore
    Commented on this photo:

    Yeah. That’s his own hand. Demi’s one hand is in her coat pocket and the other hand is holding Ashton’s arm.

  20. Fish, it looks like you got punked.

  21. Cher Z

    Dude is looking a bit rough. He’s not going to qualify for “trophy boy toy” anymore.

  22. babooda

    I’ve known a lot of people who sat around with their thumb up their ass….but this is the first time I have seen a thumb walking around with its’ ass stuck on it!

  23. You’d look worried too if your wife’s 80 yr old knees were going to be in pictures next to your 35 yr old face.

  24. Joe Blow

    Demi had cute knees. But beyond that, these two are so played out

  25. Dick Tater

    Advice to celebrities: Instead of putting up a hand to tell paparazzi to “Stop pointing that camera at me/us” while pouting and/or frowning, use some of your wealth to buy a tactical LED light (such as the Fenix LD20). Point one of these at the paparazzi’s camera in high direct light mode or in strobe mode, and not only will the camera not capture anything but blinding light, but the paparazzi will be blinded for a few minutes (and disoriented if you use the strobe). Make sure you get an LED light (with the LED manufactured by Cree) that puts out 180 lumens or more when on high.

  26. Ashton Kutcher Demi Moore
    Ryan Bergeron
    Commented on this photo:

    I believe thats London….not Paris

  27. Myclamisaninnie


    FU BOTH.

  28. DonnaMarie

    The photo’s from London, not Paris! Oriental Delight is a little supermarket in Chinatown in Soho.

  29. yum yum

    this is London, not Paris, get it right clamtits.

  30. Ashton Kutcher Demi Moore
    Commented on this photo:

    It looks like Demi’s fur on her coat is actually dog fur — they kill dogs in China to make these coats; it’s the most barbaric and cruel death any animal could go through, and many are skinned while they are still alive !
    It sickens me to even look at these pictures…

  31. Joe Blow

    I don’t think he’s shielding from the paps. He’s defending his lack of career. “Hey wait a minute, I’m still relevant. I am!”

  32. Ashton Kutcher Demi Moore
    Commented on this photo:

    That is a fart finger.

  33. Sometimes I like to imagine this marriage is just a long-con Punk on Demi. The reveal would be pretty epic…sigh.

  34. captain america

    she just wanted to feel the TAMPON in his anus by herself!!

  35. Ashton Kutcher Demi Moore
    Commented on this photo:

    maybe start posting the truth and u’ll be as credible as your competition

  36. Ashton Kutcher Demi Moore
    Commented on this photo:


  37. Ashton Kutcher Demi Moore
    Commented on this photo:

    she’s looking good.

  38. mimi

    I’d hit him.

  39. Just a Thought

    This is neither Ashton nor Demi.

  40. Ashton Kutcher Demi Moore
    Commented on this photo:

    This is London by the way.

  41. Smausage

    That’s London, not Paris.

  42. Burt

    She’s reminding him that although she isn’t wearing anything under that coat, she’s the one who wears the pants at home. ;)

  43. Hansel

    If I hadn’t read the title I’d think that was Owen Wilson.

  44. bitingontinfoil

    Can’t a guy help an old lady across the street?!

    (The First Boyscott Re: BOO-YAH)

  45. Ashton Kutcher Demi Moore
    Commented on this photo:

    She got dark nail polish on, this finger doesn’t. So it is his hand smarty pants

  46. Ashton Kutcher Demi Moore
    Commented on this photo:

    Thats his hand, not hers….

  47. Bill

    LONDON, not Paris. Cuntlicker.

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