Ashton Kutcher: ‘My Wife’s Trying To Grab My Ass Here. Ya Mind?’

Ashton Kutcher and Demi Moore didn’t want to be photographed in Paris last night, probably because Demi likes to walk around with her hand shoved down his ass. (Really shoulda waited on that child-touching joke.) Does its young, soft-yet-firm-ness reverse the effects of aging? One can only speculate while dreamily imagining its hairless splendor glistening in the moonlight, invading your every thought. Mining feelings you never knew you had…

O, butt of Kutcher,
Smooth, steel,
Shackled oppression of our ancestors,
Taught in its clench,
Would thou playeth 300 with me in gilded fields of lilies?
Penis, spear, spear, penis,
Michael Fassbender,
O, butt of Kutcher

Maya Angelou, everyone.

EDIT: Apparently I incorrectly assumed Demi Moore has a massive man-thumb – seemed reasonable – because that’s actually Ashton fingering his own butt. Which really says it all, doesn’t it? Yes, yes it does.

Photos: Pacific Coast News