Ashton Kutcher Knocked Up January Jones. Here We Go…

October 19th, 2011 // 76 Comments

According to Hollywood Life, an Internet rumor is going around suggesting Ashton Kutcher is the father of his ex January Jones‘ baby because it’s pretty much a given at this point he either hates Demi Moore‘s vagina or it’s officially morphed into a Sarlacc pit as they are wont to do over time. Anyway, let me just shoot this rumor down with my extensive knowledge of January Jones if extensive knowledge means I dubbed her kid “Revenge Baby” and called it a day:

If there’s one thing January Jones hates more than anything – I’m talking even more than not having a child out of spite. – it’s Ashton Kutcher. The guy spent their whole relationship telling her she’d never make it as an actress, except one of them is on the critically acclaimed Mad Men (For the sake of argument, just ignore everything I said about her in X-Men: First Class.), and the other just replaced Charlie Sheen on a sitcom geared towards people who like Applebee’s. And even if that anger manifested itself into a night of unprotected hate banging, I can almost guarantee January would’ve blown up his marriage to make up for all those times he negged her into the sack because I’m not sure if you’ve noticed, January Jones loves revenge. She shoots it out of her uterus.

Photos: Flynet, INFdaily

superficial

  1. Dave Mustaine

    Easy there Inspector Gadget/Columbo!

    • Frank Burns

      +1 lolz

    • karlito

      he’s wearing costume for attention. hey look at me, i’m eccentric. i’m cool ain’t i? the man is an ass-clown. he was better as Kelso. not Waldo on 2 1/2 men, the creator of Punk’d or even as Demi’s husband.

  2. Kelly

    I love the idea that this is true. My god, January Jones. You got some balls!

  3. Cock Dr

    This goes under “Things We Wish Were True”.

  4. Ashton Kutcher January Jones
    Jill_Ess
    Commented on this photo:

    Keeping with her frigid demeanor, she hired a manny so that she would be the only woman in her son’s life.

  5. Ashton Kutcher January Jones
    Jill_Ess
    Commented on this photo:

    Yep. That’s a manny.

  6. stratacat

    i guessed Ashton as the babydaddy as soon as that cheating scandal broke. the timing was just too appropriate.

  7. girl

    Fish — you are a misogynist. Fck off for all of your hateful comments about women. Free speech has boundaries and there is an argument here that you incite hate. So time to report this site. It stopped being funny a long time ago. Now it is nothing but a peep show for young male perverts and haters.

    • Ashton's junk

      Why so serious?

    • Doug MacKay

      I didn’t see the misogynist leaning here . Maybe you could point it out to us young male perverts .

    • Todd Hockney

      Time of the month ? How about some chamomile tea ? Or cranberry juice ? I here it helps .

      • Todd Hockney

        *hear

      • Ecce

        Cranberry juice helps with UTI because it lines the uterine wall and makes it hard for harmful bacteria to cling to the sides (it also changes the acidity of urine, but that is not what kills the bacteria). It does not help with pre-menstrual syndrome or with menstruation.

    • Travis Bickel

      Did you take offense at the Applebee’s remark ?

    • cc

      Please go back to re-reading ‘The Female Eunuch’ or ‘The Handmaid’s Tale’.

    • Jack Ketch

      It’s all in good fun, “Girl,” it’s that type of site. This was a hilarious post, I loved it. The End.

    • stratacat

      Demi, you need to calm down and eat something. No one likes a cranky Sarlacc.

    • Kip Winger

      I don’t see the peep show aspect of it at all. there are other sites that have explicit celeb photos every other item .
      If you don’t want to be here , go to another site . No one is going to miss your sour attitude , Demi !

    • Perry King

      Try decaf coffee and a valium before typing crap on the comments sections . You’re coming off as a shrew !

      • Jay

        fish’s comments have their moments, but you are correct, the posters here are to die for…………………..

    • a pornstar

      agreed, that Fish’s comments, aren’t as funny as they used to be, but the commenters on here, are GRADE A PURE BEEF.Delicious.

      from one woman to another, a whore by any other name is a whore. Witness, woman in gold bikini, Katy Perry, Jennifer Aniston, JLo …and the list goes on….

      ..this is site is Amish country, go to you tube for the money shots lady, and porn sites, and any club in Vegas after 2:30 am…

      It would be nice to see posts of men and their asses posted up here, but woman aren’t as a hardcore about that shit, ..we are wired differently, is all…

      I come here for Superficial but stay for the commenters.

      P.S show us some cock, or at least some man chest…

      • Cock Dr

        On this site if you see a cock, 9 out of 10 times you’re gonna wish that you hadn’t looked. So be careful what you wish for.

      • rican

        Girl, you know what has no boundaries? Not having to visit this site. Yeah Fish is getting lame around the edges, but the only hate that may be instigated is when moronic comments like yours prop up.

      • Jack Ketch

        Your basic comma knowledge and usage sux big-time …

      • MJB

        As a woman, I’ve got to be honest. I want to see the hot guys at the beach or shirtless. But cock? …Uh, no.
        Besides, what if the guy is a grower not a shower? :p

    • herrderr

      “Free speech has boundaries”

      It sounds like you don’t quite fully understand the concept of speech being free.

    • Venom

      Damn, someone is sensitive today.
      Just out of curiosity, who are you going to report the site to and can we get a preview of the wording of your complaint? This should be good.

      You seem to think the site is anti-woman, so I would suggest you give Gloria Allred a call. I can’t wait to see you on the steps of Fish’s house standing next to Gloria in her all red suit with her yelling about the injustices of The Superficial with TMZ filming away. You are going to be a star.

    • Cracks me up when people rant things like ‘girl’ did (“It stopped being funny a long time ago”), and yet here she is on the very site she condemns. Hmmm. bwahahahahahahahaaa.

    • Banastre Trent - Holmesworth

      A bit chilling thinking that “girl” might be the vanguard of the Orwellian Thought Police .
      If she thinks it is misogynistic , then she can condemn the site and all of us for visiting and making supposedly clever comments .
      Orwell is not resting comfortably this morning , and neither am I .

      • David Berkowitcz

        I doubt ” girl” is literate enough to have read “1984″ , or if she had been made to read “1984 ” , probably was too thick to understand it

      • Dean Keaton

        If you read “girl” comment, you can tell she has limited mental ability . If your verbal offense is limited to “fck off” , you obviously are relatively unarmed in the battle of wits

    • D-chi

      As a lady myself, this post was still funny. I’m still not even sure who January Jones is.

    • Mike Walker

      Who is this low-rent Edna Bambrick? Reported!

  8. TomFrank

    Wait…if Ashton Kutcher DIDN’T knock January Jones up, then why is Rumer Willis stalking her in these pictures?

  9. Sensei John Kreese

    Well, only one thing left to do…

    Go to the ‘Maury’ show and get a paternity test.

  10. Ashton Kutcher January Jones
    Travis Bickel
    Commented on this photo:

    Looks like John Lithgow in “The World according to Garp”

  11. cc

    I kind of envy whoever it was that banged her. I still think she’s hot.

    As for Ashton, well, he really needs a pair of overalls and a wheat stalk to chew one if he’s going to wear that hat.

  12. clown baby

    What the fuck is that dude wearing

  13. Carles

    “Free speech has boundaries and there is an argument here that you incite hate. So time to report this site.”

    Ahh, another Liberal fascist. Report it to whom, exactly?

    • herrderr

      Liberalism and fascism are pretty much diametrically opposed, genius. Fascism does have an actual definition you know, you can’t just attach it to anything you happen not to like.

    • cc

      She’s going to report it to me and then I am going to find the girl in the gold bikini and ask her if she feels objectified and then I’ll ask her is she needs SPF 15 on her ass.

  14. Who the hell dresses this clown?? Dude, where’s your cranium?

  15. castallare

    PAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! “People who like Applebee’s” Goddamn, you are one apt motherfucker.

  16. Ashton Kutcher January Jones
    Bobbins
    Commented on this photo:

    Go go gadget penis!

  17. Ashton Kutcher January Jones
    k-bo
    Commented on this photo:

    he’s about one fake sunflower on that hat away from being “blossom”

  18. MJB

    Wow, a straw fedora with the front brim pulled up and a man purse.
    I read somewhere that this prick believes that by wearing a hat his energy or essence is protected. I can only imagine what other weird shit Asstain and Dumi believe.

  19. Ashton Kutcher January Jones
    cabora
    Commented on this photo:

    They used to date

  20. forrest gump

    he must feel extremely dated with that beard.
    IS IT BECAUSE OF THAT HE IS F*CKING YOUNG GIRLS?

  21. Satan's bitch

    Hey Fish, we’ll just call you the “Lovable Misogynist” from now on! I don’t know where “girl” is coming from, but I read your crap because it makes me laugh, and you let the commenters give you shit, and it’s all in good fun.

    That last part about shooting revenge out of her uterus – priceless!

  22. Buttercup

    Ok, that would suck for Demi if the rumor was true, but…love the thought that the baby would be his. If so, we’ll be seeing him in the daddy role for not wanting his child to grow up to be fatherless.

    January, January…you do have a enormous set of b.a.l.l.s. Can you imagine your mother keeping from you the secret of who your father is? Oooh, girl! My mother (rest her soul) would be in SO MUCH TROUBLE! Revenge would nearly irresistible. It would be too tempting to sleep with every man she ever tries to marry or hook up with after that. Now who’s bad? Looks like I’ve had enough coffee for the morning and have more of a diabolical mind than I ever imagined possible.

  23. Buttercup

    Oh yah, and for the haters…let me give you something to really hate about.

    ASHTON IS HOT. No matter how gross and stinky he looks, no matter how much he resembles the drawings from the original “Joy of Sex” books that show two human beasts mating in full body fur, he is still a turn on. MMMM mmm mmm.

    Enjoy your lunch. ;p

    • cc

      Buttercup, ya, thanks for bringing back memories of that book. I am glad that shaving has become more popular (although a landing strip is okay).

  24. Julia Calahan

    I think he resembles the offspring of what might occur if Woody Allen mated with Sandra Bernhart , assuming she mates with men and not just bullet shaped devices that require batteries . I find him as exciting as cottage cheese . I have a volcano of love , but he could easily put out my fire

  25. kurgen99

    WTF IS HE WEARING!!????

  26. Judge Hershey

    He’s auditioning for the lead in Paddington Bear.

  27. Danny Burke

    Are there any pictures posted of Demi’s Sarlacc pitt?
    I think I might have seen one once on an older woman , but I had drank most of a 5th of Scotch , so I could be mistaken

  28. girl

    Menstrual jokes? What are you, collectively 14? As for not knowing the limits of free speech, are you serious? Ok, probably not your fault. Something else to blame on the schools. But back to the main point, which is the nature of the more recent posts, say for the last frkn year…. Aside from absolutely no humor, the overall language around women is way, way, violent, all of the time. Fish always portrays the women as Bs, Cs, Vs, and today — sarlacc pitt? If you don’t know what misogyny looks like, it looks like that. Point is, the site only knows how to humiliate and the usual target is women. The treatment of Lindsay is just more of what was done to Brittney….over the top hostility. (Cowardly, I might add, since it’s all behind the curtain). Site can’t seem to stop itself, either, which is creepy. It’s one thing to respond when some celeb goes Marie Antoinette but non-stop posting about women as stupid, evil, etc, — hey, I know exactly where that is coming from. You can too, if you grow up. I agree, some of the comments are funny — McFeely something or other — is usually hysterical and nails it in the way this site used to do. But mostly now it’s a picture of a female celeb and than ad hominem attacks that border on violence. A couple of months ago the site kept using the word rape….almost daily. Yeah, sure, nothing wrong with that. As for going elsewhere, I pretty much do but I still check back in because I take issue with the violence toward women (even when camouflaged) and I will be vocal about it and take action if need be. You should, too.

    Bottom line — Fish needs to go back to being funny instead of hateful. First amend. doesn’t cover the latter.

    • CranAppleSnapple

      Yeah, as has already been asked, take action HOW? You’re full of shit.

      And you say there has been no humour here for a full year while you’ve been auditing Fish? Then go away!
      We find it funny here. I get loads of amusement here, daily. I’m a girl and apparently a lot more light-hearted than some. You are just a pain in the collective arse.

  29. anonym

    it’s official.
    January will never have to work again.
    She’ll survive a lifetime on child support.

  30. Archies_Leach

    Hyde got just as much tail as Kelso, perhaps more. The difference being Hyde didn’t go around telling everybody about all the tail he was getting like Kelso did.

  31. CranAppleSnapple

    I think I am most appalled that Kutcher thinks he can critique the acting skills of anyone else on earth!

  32. Ashton Kutcher January Jones
    mickey
    Commented on this photo:

    who really cares, if she hates him or if he hates her, the baby should grow up protected, and he should pay for it. But if they are not loving eachother, I wouldn’t force it. Babies are born everywhere, every day, what counts is that they grow up with love & care, even if the real daddy isn’t there, another one will do just as well! LIfe is that way, just open your eyes!

  33. mickey

    I think it doesn’t matter who is the father, as long as the baby is protected & loved. As for January, hopefully she stays a good actress! It’s not about becoming an actress, cuz that anybody can, it’s about staying in that field & becoming somebody. Kutcher has made an ass of himself for the last years, I wonder if he’s able to make up for his last years of unseriousness on ‘Two and Half men’, cuz right now he’s just an Ex Mr. Demi Moore & a technical freak, but certainly not accomplished actor! The 70′ series is over for good & what he doing now, I can do to. He’s swimming in a pool of money, loosing his compass & only making the press happy with all these articles of unfaithfulnes & screwing around. I think if he doesn’t show some more personality soon, he will loose the publics respect.

  34. Ashton Kutcher January Jones
    ummyea
    Commented on this photo:

    why do half of famous people look homeless ?

  35. dontkillthemessenger

    [strike]Weed[/strike] does crazy things.

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