Ashton Kutcher is Basically the Pool Boy

While most people aren’t buying Ashton Kutcher and Demi Moore’s very public attempts to look like a happy couple, this latest photo posted to Twitter over the weekend actually has me convinced Ashton didn’t bang another woman. Here’s why:

Demi Moore clearly dominates this relationship and has Ashton Kutcher’s balls in a safe deposit box whose location is known only by her and Rumer Willis if properly hypnotized. Seriously, why would he continue these shenanigans? Absolutely no one is going to fault the guy for waking up and (correctly) realizing young vagina is the bee’s knees. He can easily walk away and go on with his life. On the other hand, Demi Moore would look like an aging shrew whose vagina is no longer part of a bee’s anatomy – minus the stinger. So, what this photo demonstrates to me is a man who more than likely spends his days carting her children around when he’s not verbally abused into having Snuggle Parties for the cameras. He probably couldn’t cheat on her if there was a gun to his head. “While I appreciate the effort, excellent choice in caliber by the way, this really isn’t working for me. But we can still be Tweety friends!”

EDIT: For shits and giggles, I added Demi Moore’s new Twitter background. (Copycat.)

Photo: Twitter

The Superficial is in Vacation Mode this week. Normal posting resumes Monday, Oct. 4.