Ashton Kutcher is Basically the Pool Boy

September 27th, 2010 // 54 Comments

While most people aren’t buying Ashton Kutcher and Demi Moore‘s very public attempts to look like a happy couple, this latest photo posted to Twitter over the weekend actually has me convinced Ashton didn’t bang another woman. Here’s why:

Demi Moore clearly dominates this relationship and has Ashton Kutcher’s balls in a safe deposit box whose location is known only by her and Rumer Willis if properly hypnotized. Seriously, why would he continue these shenanigans? Absolutely no one is going to fault the guy for waking up and (correctly) realizing young vagina is the bee’s knees. He can easily walk away and go on with his life. On the other hand, Demi Moore would look like an aging shrew whose vagina is no longer part of a bee’s anatomy – minus the stinger. So, what this photo demonstrates to me is a man who more than likely spends his days carting her children around when he’s not verbally abused into having Snuggle Parties for the cameras. He probably couldn’t cheat on her if there was a gun to his head. “While I appreciate the effort, excellent choice in caliber by the way, this really isn’t working for me. But we can still be Tweety friends!”

EDIT: For shits and giggles, I added Demi Moore’s new Twitter background. (Copycat.)

Photo: Twitter

The Superficial is in Vacation Mode this week. Normal posting resumes Monday, Oct. 4.


  1. chynasclit

    cmon demi act ur age .. what kind of pic is that.. r u taylor momsen ? britney spears at 18 .. no ur like 50…maybe ashton should take your advice and post a pic with his penis dangling on guyswithiphones.

  2. Rough--I wanna kiss you. Joe Namath style

    I saw a retro Demi on Egotastic. Boyyyy was she something even without tits…

  3. ilikesake

    Maybe I’d agree with Fish if Ashton was with some horribly wrinkled, sagging armed 65 year old. But this is Demi Moore. She doesn’t even look that bad. Not counting that pick, that’s photoshopped to death…
    And what about Bruce? And Mel? They’re with ppl much younger then them, don’t see you saying anything about them. Ok, you say a lot about Mel, but Bruce..lets just focus on Bruce

    • Doesn’t even look that bad? She looks SO bad you can’t even find a recent photo of her that isn’t photoshopped, then airbrushed, then her head grafted onto teenage models body.

      The paparazzi photos you see look like a grandmother, saggy face and skin like loose leather.

      I don’t even want to talk about those horrible glasses that she apparently wears to bed.

  4. GravyLeg

    Check out his crap movie SPREAD.
    Ashton is living that life right now I think… too funny.

  5. Richard McBeef

    Fish that’s kinda lame that you have warn everyone that you are on vaca because the fickle masses will defect to Penis Hilton and his cum stains if you aren’t on it 365, minus the weekends.

    I would just say it fuck it and hand it over to the geekologie writer for the week. What could go wrong?

  6. Ashton Kutcher and Demi Moore in Bed
    biff lohman
    Commented on this photo:

    she’d look like a mummified ferret if not for those buddy holly glasses.

  7. truth

    Who cares?????? This is a non issue compared to the real problems of the world. Let Demi worry about what her boy toy is up to…He’s no prize either.

  8. Demi Moore Twitter Background
    Commented on this photo:

    Oh. My. God.

    I wouldn’t cheat on that.

  9. Chris

    She needs to lose those stupid fucking glasses now! She looks horrid.

  10. Looks like a desperation photo on her part. And the nerd glasses don’t help her cause. Wonder how many k-y tubes he needs to shag on that dried up vag. No offense..

  11. Demi Moore Twitter Background
    Commented on this photo:

    Is that Courtney Cox? Well, she’s hot.

  12. The Lohans all suck

    She is SO DESPERATE and tries so hard.
    Nice staged photo op. So not only are you like 65 or something you now wear Buddy Holly glasses to bed? She is nasty – and trying waaaay too hard for that Tina Fey glasses thing. You aint pulling it off Dumi.

  13. Kerri

    I HATE those glasses. They make attractive woman look awful and DEMI – you are not attractive to begin with so just imagine how stupid you look!!! One of her kids probably bought them and she tried them on and thought she looked OH SO RAD (in her sandpaper gross voice) and meanwhile she has managed to make herself look 100 times worse. Omigod I am so sick of these two. He is a loser and she latched on to him thinking he was going to be something special when all he’s done is punk people. Maybe i am just pmsing but i want to punch them both in the face right now. Gross and grosser!!!

    • Anyone who misses how she used to look just fap to danica patrick now and pretend… See them side by side and you’ll get how grossly old d’Me has gotten

    • Kerri,

      Demi WAS VERY attractive and for her age still is. Ashton is a douchebag himself so … what’s he done to deserve any fame other than that 70′s show and a couple of forgetable movies (Dude, Where’s My Car? didn’t win an Oscar???? Travesty!!!)??? Besides she’s super wealthy and all he has to do to keep her happy is take care of the kids every so often and schlep her once in awhile.

      He’s probably screwing around on her with some anonymous bar fly/stripper/club girl …

      • Kerri

        You’re right – I apologize. I was just in a very bad mood : )
        She was very attractive in her day and yes, still is. I just can’t stand them together and I was venting. I also cannot stand how she claims she’s had no plastic surgery (ie. her boobs). Give me a break. She was small chested back in the day and suddenly with that stripper movie, she had boobs? Ok, not so believeable. Anyway, thank you for disagreeing with me so politely. It’s certainly refreshing on this website.

  14. Demi Moore Twitter Background
    Commented on this photo:

    She disgusts me.

  15. Demi Moore Twitter Background
    glace neuf
    Commented on this photo:

    shit, i would hit the fuck outta that!

  16. your mother

    You look in the mirror and the calendar and realize that you’re aging. At some point, you realize that aging entails loss: loss of youthful vitality and beauty. But if you’ve bought into Hollywood hype, you may deny this. You may believe that it is possible to attain some semblance of eternal youth and beauty. You starve yourself so you don’t develop middle-aged spread or at least some visible loss of tone, you get cosmetic surgery and Botox, you dye your hair, all to hide what is really happening with your body. And you behave in ways that go along with this denial of aging. You get a young lover, you dress the way teenagers dress. Maybe because your vision deteriorates as you age, that plus the tremendous capacity of the human brain for self-deception enables you to really believe that what you see in the mirror isn’t aging as much as it is.

  17. Demi Moore Twitter Background
    Commented on this photo:

    What’s she wearing? It looks like she tore the top off her mattress and sewed it into onesie with a built-in diaper.

  18. People that say Demi isn’t hot anymore need their glasses checked… I’d hit that any time! Yummm!

  19. Demi Moore Twitter Background
    Commented on this photo:

    The box is blown matter how hot she looks. Time for some fresh camel toe!

  20. sasha

    Why are they trying so hard to convince everyone that their marriage is so great? Marriage is about two people. What anyone else thinks shouldn’t matter. Unless your marriage IS your career.

  21. slapkatyperry

    I love desperate cougars I’d tap demi, speaking of desperate cougars where the hell is Jennifer Aniston i hear she’s back with douche bag john gayer.
    plan for marrying Jennifer aniston:
    1. kill john mayer
    2. replace his penis with ME
    3.seduce jen
    4. impregnate jen so she has my baby
    5. marry jen
    6. live happily ever after banging jen untill she’s 70
    this plan is so brilliant it can’t fail!!

  22. Demi Moore Twitter Background
    Commented on this photo:

    demi more is EXTREMELY HOT.

    that is all.

  23. Demi Moore Twitter Background
    Commented on this photo:


  24. Alinka

    Sounds like publicity stunt to me… Since NEITHER of them can’t do anything that yields $$$$…

  25. captain america

    …….FILLED WITH URINE, folks!!

  26. Banana

    WHo are they and why are they famous?

  27. the only opinion that matters

    I know of a couple visiting Vegas, got into an elevator and for hit the Penthouse button for fun, were very surprised when the door opened and there was a party that Demi and Ashton were hosting. After a little interrogation by Ashton and them being a hot couple, they were allowed into the party. Ashton later approached the wife and said he found her attractive and Demi liked her husband. Later in the evening Demi gave the woman a bathing suit and invited her and her husband to swim with them in the infinity pool that was part of their suite (I think it was the Palms). It was obvious to them that sex was on the table but they did not partake (much to his brothers dismay, quote “why didn’t you do her, I would, she’s hot”. There is more to this marriage than we know, but hey, whatever works for them. She has to hand on to him somehow!

    • slapkatyperry

      I’m not slamming “mature women” I love mature women I’d prefer jennifer aniston over, say jessica alba and no I’m not crazy women hit their sexual peak in their 40′s i like the maturity, experience, and confidence that a mature woman brings to the relationship. A few wrinkles and a tummy pooch will not deter me from dating and developing a meaningful, strong relationship with a mature woman.
      I say a lot of shit about a lot of people most of it is just anecdotal, one thing is for sure i am dead serious about the above statement

  28. the only opinion that matters

    Since I was not one of the couple aforementioned, the above may or may not be true, now that I put it out there I am afraid of getting sued even though I got it from a reliable source but then I remember all the shit Fish writes and he isn’t lingering in jail, I think I am safe. PS. I meant to say “hang onto him”.

  29. holierthanthou

    I think that was one of the most ignorant articles I have ever read. Do you even know what a woman is? It is apparent you have never even been in a serious relationship.. with a man or a woman !! Desperate Cougars? What is this revenge on creepy dirty old farts term? I don’t know any woman 40 or over who is single or desperate.Just because you get older does not mean you dry up and die. Sex is good .. and if you are with some one who is great at it and makes you happy why does it matter that they are over 40~ Besides , by that age they are probably DAMN good at it… And there is nothing wrong with fighting off aging. Most people want to look as good on the outside as they do on the inside.. Taking care of yourself is not an issue… and by the way the middle age spread can’t be fixed with just starving your self.. that is something kids can get away with.

  30. Beer Baron

    You and your mom are hilbillies. This is a house of learned doctors.

  31. Demi Moore Twitter Background
    Commented on this photo:

    Wow. Got MILF? That is one hot woman.

  32. holierthanthou

    You’re not a doctor… you’re a big, fat, curly-headed f*ck!

  33. Ashton Kutcher and Demi Moore in Bed
    Commented on this photo:

    She’s vile and old and a has been. He would be CRAVING young women like there was no tomorrow!!!! Have u seen this bitch without makeup???!!! And those twitter bikini pics???!! She has a masive space between each fake tit, horrible surfer boy stomach…. Jesus. Poor Ashton! Get the fuck outta there and bang as many hot 20-somethings STAT!

  34. the only opinion that matters

    HA!! I see it has come out that they are in an open marriage, my story is with merit (for all you hillbillies that means there is some truth to it).

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