Ashton Kutcher Replacing Charlie Sheen on ‘Two and a Half Men’

“Remember, Desmond Hume is your constant.” Wait, wrong bearded guy.

If you’re like me, you just assumed Charlie Sheen appearing on Entourage would be the most douche-filled casting news you’d hear all week and got to work engraving the trophy. Well, put down that chisel, mon frere, for au contraire, according to The Hollywood Reporter:

Two sources close to the deal-making tell The Hollywood Reporter that the actor is putting the final touches on a deal to replace Charlie Sheen as the star of TV’s No. 1 comedy. CBS, studio Warner Bros. and Kutcher’s reps at CAA declined to comment on the situation but a deal is said to be all but signed. The exact dollar figure he will be paid is not known but a source says Kutcher is getting a “huge payday” to join the hit sitcom.
The deal came together quickly in the wake of Hugh Grant passing on the opportunity to join the show. Now sources say Men creator Chuck Lorre has crafted a storyline to introduce Kutcher in a way that satisfies the network and studio. “It’s really funny,” says one source. “People are going to love it.”

I don’t care how you try to cut it(s head off on Christmas morning), there is no way being replaced by Ashton Kutcher constitutes even the wienerest form of #winning where everyone gets a ribbon just for trying. To put things in perspective, if someone looked at my work performance and said, “You know what? Ashton Kutcher could do this,” I’d put a bullet in my head before catatonic depression sets in and all I can do is communicate via an intricate system of pissing myself. “Wait, are two pisses yes, or a no? What if he’s slumped over trying to drown himself in it? Should I bring him a snack?”

Photos: Splash News