Ashton Kutcher Replacing Charlie Sheen on ‘Two and a Half Men’

May 13th, 2011 // 36 Comments

“Remember, Desmond Hume is your constant.” Wait, wrong bearded guy.

If you’re like me, you just assumed Charlie Sheen appearing on Entourage would be the most douche-filled casting news you’d hear all week and got to work engraving the trophy. Well, put down that chisel, mon frere, for au contraire, according to The Hollywood Reporter:

Two sources close to the deal-making tell The Hollywood Reporter that the actor is putting the final touches on a deal to replace Charlie Sheen as the star of TV’s No. 1 comedy. CBS, studio Warner Bros. and Kutcher’s reps at CAA declined to comment on the situation but a deal is said to be all but signed. The exact dollar figure he will be paid is not known but a source says Kutcher is getting a “huge payday” to join the hit sitcom.
The deal came together quickly in the wake of Hugh Grant passing on the opportunity to join the show. Now sources say Men creator Chuck Lorre has crafted a storyline to introduce Kutcher in a way that satisfies the network and studio. “It’s really funny,” says one source. “People are going to love it.”

I don’t care how you try to cut it(s head off on Christmas morning), there is no way being replaced by Ashton Kutcher constitutes even the wienerest form of #winning where everyone gets a ribbon just for trying. To put things in perspective, if someone looked at my work performance and said, “You know what? Ashton Kutcher could do this,” I’d put a bullet in my head before catatonic depression sets in and all I can do is communicate via an intricate system of pissing myself. “Wait, are two pisses yes, or a no? What if he’s slumped over trying to drown himself in it? Should I bring him a snack?”

Photos: Splash News

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  1. who cares

    WHAT? That is just freaking stupid. I cannot even begin to see how he and Jon Cryer are going to have chemistry on screen. This is just stupid.

    • terry

      Ashton is too good looking for the part. It is obvious that he’ll get the ladies unlike charlie Sheen’s character. But that is the whole mind fuck.
      Besides, Ashton is too young.
      What a fucking mess.

    • Ed

      I applaud your creativity sir!

  2. Are they rebooting it as Two and 1/8 men or will they round up?

  3. vitobonespur

    I think they should begin the first episode with everyone being at Charlie’s character’s funeral. Bye-bye, Charlie.

  4. Ashton Kutcher
    monkeyspank
    Commented on this photo:

    Wait, do I have to be the half man?

  5. Bob

    Winning, duh!

    The only tail this guy can pull is old enough to be his mother, I do like the stuff he’s done but I can’t see this working at all. Demi will go ballistic with him making out with younger, much younger women. On the plus side this is a massive f**k you to Chuckles.

    • Milo

      In regard to the “mother” you mention (Demi), you wouldn’t last 30 seconds inside that. She may not be the youngest chick on the block but she’s hotter than any tail you’ve pulled I’m sure…

  6. tlmck

    Second week of new TV season announcement: “2 1/2 Men has been cancelled”.

    Too bad they could not make a deal with Hugh Grant. It would have been something new for the show to have a good actor who is also funny. Charlie Sheen was neither.

  7. That's Retarded

    that’s Retarded

  8. right now if this is true, Charlie is going “Winning!!!!”

  9. Elf

    Wow! Fans of 2.5 men just got punk’d!

  10. g-moonie

    Who gives a fuck? For weeks Charlie has been placing “21/2″ on a pedestal, like that has been his opus of his career. Nobody has even brought up the fact that so said show is completely terrible. Popular show? Yes. Good show? I dare you to watch an entire episode. I dare you.

  11. The Critical Crassness

    And now the truth comes shining through…Charlie isn’t the only drugged out loser connected with 2.5 Men, apparently so are the producers and casting directors.
    Ashton Kutcher and Jon Cryer, together? They better change the name of the show to “1/2 a Man” and let the kid handle the comedic lines and the women, while the other two sit around and whine about what failures they are.

  12. Doc Schweinstrudel

    Not true. I don’t see how he would be able to jiggle his daily job as supervisor at fudgepacking factory and his night shift as Moore’s daughter’s chin’ cushioneer

  13. Krishnath

    Until there is an official announcement, I will be taking this “rumor” with a grain of salt.

  14. sc4play

    From one ass clown to another…………..

  15. In related news, the show is being renamed “One and a Half Men, and a Douche”.

  16. AteIsEnough

    Series is over. As crazy as Charlie’s rants were, he was right about the show bombing without him. WHY would they think Kutcher could replace Sheen…not even close!!

  17. A.

    Pues me parece algo absurdo, teniendo en cuenta que este hombre es un pan sin sal, un petimetre y un aburrido, pero, oye, también lo es Charlie Seen.

  18. Cock Dr

    A network will never give up an advertising cash cow. Why should they? People will tune in, even if it’s just for the curiosity factor.
    Will crackhead still get paid if the show airs new episodes? I thought I read somewhere that he was clever (and farsighted) enough to have that clause added to his contract.
    If so, kudos to your agent & legal team Chuckie, they’ve saved your sorry ass yet again.

  19. Veronica

    I know I’m supposed to hate 2.5 Men because it’s sexist, repetitive, and always goes for the cheapest laugh, but I find myself chuckling at repeats. What is Rose going to do without Charlie? I would have preferred Hugh Grant. He’d have been different enough from Alan to make a contrast, but similar enough to Charlie to not change the dynamics too much. Let’s remember, Hugh also has enjoys paying whores for sex. Ashton always plays a dumb guy and he’s great at it. Alan also exhibits extremely dumb behaviour. The son is also dumb. It won’t work if the three main cast members are too similar.

  20. LJ

    This will work out well for Charlie Sheen when the show gets cancelled after half a season.

    2.5 Men is a take on Neil Simon’s “The Odd Couple”.

    The comedy of the show is Oscar and Felix, not Jay and Silent Bob.

  21. does anyone actually give a shit who’s cast to replace sheen, i thought nobody actually watched that unfunny show despite the ratings :P

  22. Clueless

    Hey Fish,

    You know what? Ashton Kutcher could do this.

    A monkey could do this.

    A monkey Ashton Kutcher could do this.

  23. John Stamos seems like a better replacement candidate.

  24. Still can’t make me watch. Neener… eh’neener.

  25. Awesome. I can’t wait to see Kelso bagging a rotating guest cast of MILFs. It will be like the Love Boat. Literally. They’ll be able to use the exact same guest stars. The Charo storyline is going to be epic.

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