Arnold Schwarzenegger Actually Thinks He Won Maria Shriver Back By Making Her Look Stupid

Arnold Schwarzenegger’s memoirs Total Recall: My Unbelievably True Life Story hits bookstands tomorrow, so naturally he’s spent the past few days doing promotional appearances where he’s either confirmed banging Brigitte Nielsen while living with Maria Shriver before they were married or immediately noticing the son of the maid he banged looked exactly like him so he started paying her more money assuming that “put this away.” All information that publicly embarrasses the shit out of Maria Shriver, so naturally The Governator thinks he still has a chance to grope his way back into her heart. Via Mediaite:

He said that, in the aftermath of his actions, it “takes time” to rebuild trust with his family and with Shriver. Nonetheless, he holds out hope that he will be able to repair his relationship to Shriver, saying he’s sure she hopes that “we can all be together.”

While it’s admirable Arnold wants to put his family back together and atone for his mistakes, maybe a good idea would’ve been, oh I dunno, not letting Maria Shriver find out how many times you cheated on her just now through a book you refused to give her an advance copy of because “it’s your money” which is exactly what happened. TMZ reports:

Arnold fessed up to cheating on Maria multiple times during his interview with “60 Minutes” last night … saying Maria knew about ALL of his trysts.
But one source close to Maria tells us … “BULLSH*T” — saying Maria never would have defended him against all of the groping claims several years ago had she known Arnold was stepping out. The source also says Maria would have ended the marriage had Arnold told her.

Of course, Arnold read all that as, “My predatah mandibles are dripping so vet for your Austrian manhood dat maybe you vant to invite dat nice mulatto women ovah from down da street to join us? And by us I mean I vait in the other room and tend to da children.”

Adding… You’ll notice I included pics of drunk Brigitte Nielsen because let’s not pretend Arnold wouldn’t still hit that. “Look at her just lying dere vaiting for me to grope her. I bet she’s even ovoolating.”

Photo: Getty, Pacific Coast News