October 21, 2005
Dominic Monaghan to propose to Evangeline Lilly
Rumors are surfacing that Dominic Monaghan is about to propose to his girlfriend Evangeline Lilly, after he was seen shopping for rings in Beverly Hills, California. During time away from the filming of Lost, Dominic was seen looking at diamond eternity bands at a number of upscale jewellers on Rodeo Drive.
A perfectly lovely story, except for the fact that Evangeline Lilly is roughly 26 billion times hotter than Dominic Monaghan. I'm not implying that short Irish German men who play homosexual hobbits aren't attractive, but when they're compared to a specimen like Evangeline they look about as good as my good friend Leper Leo. He's a leper.
A-Rod is an asshole
Reader Sandy points out that if you ever run into A-Rod and ask for a picture, be prepared to get huffed at and then maybe thrown the finger.
On Saturday night 10/15, me and a few friends of mine went to Mr. Chow's NYC for a Birthday celebration. After I blew out the candles on my cake and while the bill was getting paid, A-Rod , his wife and a few friends walked in. All the guys at the table told me to go over and take a picture with him , since it was my birthday (hence the tiara).
As I go over and ask for a birthday snap shot (he could of said no, and I was not interrupting a meal b/c he just sat down), A-ROD, his wife and friends start huffing and puffing. I walk away and A-Rod says "Fine, whatever, sit down."After sitting back at my table, my friend Sam asks me if he was an Asshole. I said yes. Apparently, A-Rod heard this, shouted "Did you call me an Asshole?" and gave my friend THE FINGER.
To be fair to A-Rod, if somebody called me an asshole I'd probably give them the finger too. Then again, nobody would ever call me an asshole because I'm such a lovely human being.
Paris finds new, creative ways to hate Nicole
You probably already know that some monkey in a business suit gave Paris Hilton a record deal, and it probably took a night of binge drinking to finally get past it. But you're gonna have to crack out the schnapps all over again, because there's more. On her album, she's including a track that insiders say is a shrill, childish attack at Nicole Richie. In it, Paris sings about how Nicole would never be famous without her, and may or may not repeat the word 'bitch' a few dozen times.
What is it about being bitchy, slutty, and dangerously close to the legal definition of retarded that gets these girls movie roles and goddamn record deals? Is that all the talent you need to become a star these days? Because I don't see Glenn Close showing all her friends a Meryl Streep sex tape, and then Meryl Streep recording a song about how much 102 Dalmatians sucked. Then again, maybe that's just the difference between legitimate fame and syphilis.
Madonna is a suspiciously Aryan Jew
Just over a week after Kabbalist rabbis made it clear to Madonna that they don't need her help branding and/or slutting up their religion, she's taken it upon herself once more to defend her spiritual beliefs. This time, she tells Telegraph Online that, considering the way people react to her being a Kabbalist, "I may as well have announced that I've joined the Nazi party."
Yeah, telling people you're part of a Judaic religious group is exactly like telling them you're a Nazi. What a perfectly apt comparison to make to the press. If I were your PR agent, I could never have cooked up something so clever and befitting for you to say. Maybe next time you could work in your dreams of one day running your own sweat shop and beating underage Asian children as well.
Carolyn Murphy has a sex tape
Page Six is reporting that a 2-hour sex tape of Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue covergirl Carolyn Murphy made with her now ex-husband has been stolen and that it may be released to the public soon. The ex-husband has confirmed the report and doesn't seem keen on stopping the release, but Murphy's rep is being a big old tease:
"We don't know what's on the tape - or if there really even is a tape - so we can't comment on that. But Carolyn's number one priority right now is raising her child in a healthy, safe environment, like any hard-working single mother."
Yes, yes, she's a regular Carolyn Murphy Brown. Making it in a man's world and all that. Gotcha. Now let's make with the naked, already. I'll be by the computer, camping out in the tent I've pitched in my own pants. But hurry up, because as soon as my mind wanders from "Carolyn Murphy sex tape" to "Tom Sizemore and Paris Hilton sex tape," it's all going to come crashing down.
Halle Berry has six toes
A number of readers pointed out that yesterday's pictures of Halle Berry show her with a sixth toe on her right foot. I don't know how something like that could have gone unnoticed for all these years, but the evidence is pretty convincing. Although I don't see why anybody who knows they have a gross deformity like that would be willing to expose it to the public. Wearing shoes isn't that much harder than wearing sandals, but it's the difference between people thinking you're hot, and people thinking you're a mutant.
*Update: Judging from other pictures and common sense, Halle Berry doesn't really have six toes. Whatever it is that we're looking at here isn't a toe, just some disgusting growth that she's newly developed. Like a bunion or cancer.
October 20, 2005
Halle Berry has pokey nipples
It's always nice to see a celebrity go braless in public when they've actually got the body to pull it off. I'm not saying I don't normally enjoy seeing breasts run free, but when you're Kirsten Dunst and your nipples are dragging on the floor, maybe it's time to consider a little support. And to help any women out there who don't know whether or not they can pull off the braless look I've devised a little test. If you look in a mirror and you see Halle Berry looking back at you then you're good to go. If you look in a mirror and see Kirsten Dunst looking back then you should seriously consider putting on a bra. And then maybe a paper bag over your head as well. Or plastic. Whichever is fine.
Dr. Phil makes me puke
If there's one thing I know, it's that watching a disgusting woman on Dr. Phil talk about things nobody except pretty girls are allowed to talk about makes for horribly disturbing television. The clip is an outtake for the Showbiz Show, which I can only assume means they didn't actually air it. No idea why though, since making people throw up should be the top priority of every TV network. Giving them boners comes in at a close second.
Watch Showbiz: Outtake - Dr. Phil [Comedy Central]
Ashlee Simpson is a floozy
Ashlee Simpson was spotted kissing two different people on Tuesday during the launch of her new album I Am Me at the exclusive PM Lounge in New York.
Unfortunately, there's still no explanation as to why either of them would be willing to make out with Ashlee in the first place. My best guess is that the first guy had her confused with Jessica Simpson, and once he realized he had the wrong sister he each took off, desperate to wash the lack of talent off his lips. As for the second guy, he was probably just some random blind dude who wanted to get some action from a hot party chick. Either way, there must have been some confusion about her identity going on, since nobody would knowingly kiss the living manifestion of annoyance.
Victoria Beckham has expensive teeth
Victoria Beckham has reportedly spent $44,000 to get her teeth whitened, paying out $4,400 per tooth. Additionally, her husband David Beckham has allegedly also indulged in the whitening treatments.
"Victoria is self-conscious about her teeth. In a lot of pictures in her Spice Girl days she pouted with her mouth closed. Now she has had some whitening done," a source told The Sun. "But it is easy to get carried away. Victoria has had a few treatments and she's delighted with the results."
I know that when you have money you can do all sorts of crazy things like eat cereal out of diamond bowls and buy penguins, but spending $44,000 to get your teeth whitened is just stupid. She should have just invested in a couple of Crest whitening strips and spent the other $43,960 to have her toilet covered in gold. I mean who doesn't need a gold-covered toilet?
Rose McGowan is almost arrested
Rose McGowan was almost arrested at the T-Mobile party at Vanguard on Tuesday after getting into a dispute with one of the club's security guards.
"A man was standing uncomfortably close to her," said a pal. "She told him to move, words were exchanged and it turned out he was a security guard for the club. He overreacted and put handcuffs on her." The club realized what was going on, everything was explained and McGowan was set free, only to quip to her friends: "If you need to be handcuffed, do it in a Dolce & Gabbana dress!"
This would have been more amusing if the security guard had just headbutted her and left her unconscious on the floor. Then random strangers would step on her and a good laugh would be had by all. Because stepping on passed out people is hilarious.
Jennifer Lopez still has a big butt
You'd think being surrounded by beautiful women in Hollywood would have shrunk Jennifer Lopez down by now. Having curves is great and all, but there's no excuse to be sporting an ass that's bigger than my car. And by car I mean tricycle. And by tricycle I mean the tissue box I pretend is my tricycle . God, I wish I had some money.
October 19, 2005
Paris Hilton has the weirdest ass ever
I don't know if this is real, but if it is then Paris Hilton has even more problems than I had ever imagined. Other than being famous for sleeping with things on tape, she can now be known for having the world's most bizarre butt. I've seen flat and I've seen bubbly, but I don't think I've ever seen, uh, whatever it is that I'm looking at. Clearly she has a medical condition that turns your ass into a hideous lump. If it's contagious, I fear for the safety of beautiful butts everywhere. Just to be safe though, we should probably quarantine her and light her on fire.
NSFW image after the jump.
*Update: It was fun while it lasted, but a number of readers have pointed out that the picture's a fake. I guess it would be inappropriate to quarantine Paris Hilton and light her on fire now. Nuts. Original image after the jump.
The Superficial News
William Shatner checked into a hospital today due to lower back pain. In other news, Jessica Alba sneezed twice and Lindsay Lohan was caught scratching her arm. Because it was itchy. [E!Online]
Paris Hilton is denying she ever had sex with Tom Sizemore, despite the fact that he claims they did on The Tom Sizemore Sex Scandal DVD. I don't care either way, but the thought of Tom Sizemore naked makes my genitals weep. [MSNBC]
Angelina Jolie's costar on Beowulf made a small remark that the media is taking to mean that she and Brad Pitt are engaged. He then farted, which clearly implies that Angelina is actually pregnant with Brad's child. That's damn fine reporting, people. Damn fine. [Yahoo!]
Orlando Bloom respects Kate Bosworth
I don't know when Kate Bosworth got so skinny, but it's still not skinny enough. Until you can see your ribs through your back or your spine through your front, you're too fat to be in Hollywood.
Some more images of Orlando Bloom violating the newly skinny Kate Bosworth after the jump.
Heidi Klum has an ugly baby
In Touch Weekly has photos of Heidi Klum's new baby, and boy if it isn't the ugliest looking baby I've ever seen. Last time I checked, human babies are usually supposed to look like humans, and not weird rodent creatures you might find in the sewer. At this rate it looks like he's going to grow up to be the next Mole Man, and in twenty years he'll probably make some lame attempt to take over New York City and kill all the "surface dwellers" only to be foiled at the last minute by some meddlesome kids. And I know it's cruel to make fun of a baby that can't even hold its own head up, but he should have thought of that before he was born an ugly mole creature.
The Beckhams like to sue people
David and Victoria Beckham are seeking libel damages against the News of the World for suggesting that their "happy marriage" is a sham. Now I don't want to get into anybody's business, but saying that somebody has marriage problems doesn't really seem like grounds for a lawsuit to me. I could understand it if they said the Beckhams enjoy killing orphans in their backyard and eating pandas for dinner, but all they did was say that they aren't as happily married as the public thinks they are. Even taken in the worst possible way, that's still not that bad. I just hope that when this finally falls before an actual court, the judge will laugh in their faces and have them thrown in jail for being idiots.
The Superficial News
Ashton Kutcher and Demi Moore's weird relationship has inspired a sitcom on Fox called 30-Year Old Grandpa. I know it's still early, but I'm sure this show will be a raging success. And by "raging success" I mean it will literally be a pile of feces. There will actually be feces coming out of the TV. [Reuters]
The photographer accused of planting a bug in Nicole Kidman's home will not have to give a DNA sample, since there's no evidence that the planted bugs were actually ever used to record anything. Unfortunately for Nicole, the same can't be said of the hidden camera I installed in her bedroom. And shower. And toilet. [E!Online]
A watch that Marilyn Monroe gave President Kennedy the night she famously sang "Happy Birthday" to him was auctioned off for $120,000 this weekend. If they had wanted to get more for the watch, they should have just followed my patent pending orifice insertion technique. [Newsday]
Although The Simple Life has been cancelled by Fox, the show will continue to shoot on November 1st in hopes of getting picked up by another network. I'm not a high-rolling TV programmer or anything, but even a braindead sea monkey should know to just let this one die. Unless they replace one of the girls with a temperamental kangaroo, nobody cares. [E!Online]
October 18, 2005
Sharon Stone is a flasher
Sharon Stone opened Louis Vuitton's new flagship store on Paris' Champs-Elysee wearing only a coat and nothing underneath. A source told the New York Post that she "showed up in a Louis Vuitton coat with nothing underneath. That was it. Like a flasher."
At least she didn't actually flash anybody. The thought of seeing her naked might sound appealing, but keep in mind that she's 47-years old and the world's most joyless ice queen. I don't have definitive proof, but I suspect that seeing her naked ice queen body would result in your penis falling off. There's also a fairly good chance that your soul might be devoured, so watch out for that too. Or don't, whatever. It's your soul, man.
Vince Vaughn and Jennifer Aniston are discreet
Either Vince Vaughn and Jennifer Aniston are officially a couple, or Jennifer just happens to be in the habit of straddling her friends and making out with them on their hotel balconies. In which case, being Jennifer Aniston's friend must be all sorts of awesome. Especially if you're a girl and have a camcorder and tons of whip cream. And maybe a pool of mud. And me. In the mud. With the whip cream. On my genitals.
One more image after the jump.
Continue Reading "Vince Vaughn and Jennifer Aniston are discreet"
Kirsten Dunst is cooler than I thought
Kirsten Dunst reportedly got drunk and obnoxious at the premiere party for Elizabethtown, and allegedly arrived on the red-carpet looking dishevelled, before drinking herself into an aggressive stupour. A source told The New York Post that Kirsten was "drinking a lot and got very loud and obnoxious. She was very pushy." Dunst's representative has denied the allegations insisting the claims are "mean-spirited and absolutely false."
I know I've been mean to Kirsten in the past, but that was before I found out that she was a raging alcoholic. It doesn't matter how troll-like you look, if you can drink yourself into idiocy at your own premiere party, then you're okay by me. Although it would have been nice if she insulted some important people and then peed in the corner of the room before passing out in a pool of her own vomit. It's not an exact science, but that would probably decrease her hateability by a factor of two.
Charlize Theron isn't quite topical
During the taping of Ellen (which airs today tomorrow), Charlize Theron took it upon herself to pull a Tom Cruise while talking about her boyfriend Stuart Townsend and jump up on the couch. I guess it could have been worse, though. She could have ripped off her top and claimed she had a wardrobe malfunction. That, or a monkey could have beaten her to death.
Paris Hilton sells her engagement ring
Britain's Daily Star reports that Paris Hilton has auctioned off her $4.7 million engagement ring from ex-fiancι Paris Latsis to aid victims of Hurricane Katrina. The winning bidder is said to have bought the ring for less than half of what Latsis paid, though $2 million is still considerably more than zero.
If Paris Hilton had any business sense at all, she would taped herself stuffing the ring into one of her orifices and then tried auctioning it off. That probably would have gotten at least another $50 or something. Although I'm not sure if STD's actually increase the value of jewelry. I'll just go ahead and assume that they do though, considering I am a licensed jewelrytologist. And no, I didn't just make up a word. If you don't know it, it just means you're stupid.
Demi Moore and Ashton Kutcher hate charities
Demi Moore and Ashton Kutcher have lashed out at reports that they failed to fulfill a donation promise to Habitat for Humanity. Demi and Ashton were paid $3 million for allowing OK! magazine exclusive access to their September 24 wedding in Beverly Hills, California, and reports suggested that they were planning to donate the money to Habitat for Humanity. However, a spokesman for the charity says they haven't received any money from, insisting, "We have no knowledge of the donation, but we certainly welcome any support." In response, Demi's publicist told the New York Daily News, "Demi wants to keep her charitable donations private and does not allow me to comment."
And in case you can't decipher publicist talk, that means Demi and Ashton kept the $3 million so that they could finally live their dream of filling a pool with $3 million in cash and swimming in it. And you can't really blame them either, because that's pretty much everybody's dream. That, and one day owning your own hot dog stand.
October 17, 2005
Jennifer Aniston makes out with Vince Vaughn
News of the World is reporting that Jennifer Aniston and Vince Vaughn were all over each other on the balcony of their penthouse suite at Chicago's Peninsula Hotel. Of course, you can't see Jennifer Aniston's face, but sadly, it's gotten to the point where we all actually recognize the back of her head. I bet you're sitting there right now thinking, "That's exactly how Rachel kissed Ross in season two, episode fourteen!"
God, I wish Jennifer Aniston had shot JFK. There would be no mystery. He'd drop and everyone would think, "That's exactly how Rachel shot Archduke Ferdinand in season four, episode twenty-three!"
Madonna makes Joan Crawford look like a pussy
Madonna has told Newsweek that she's the disciplinarian with her two children, 9-year-old Lourdes and 5-year-old Rocco. They're not allowed to have milk or ice cream, or to watch TV or read magazines because mommy has no tolerance for lactose or self-awareness.
She's also strict about laundry duties: If Lourdes leaves dirty clothes on the floor, "we take all of her clothes and put them in a bag, and she has to earn all of her clothes back by being tidy," Madonna said. "She wears the same outfit every day to school until she learns her lesson."
Somebody needs to tell Madonna that the "mystical Jewish" child-rearing book she got at the Kabbalah Center was just a red string tied around the screenplay for Mommy Dearest. I'd do it except, you know, I'm afraid of getting me eyes gouged out with a coat hanger.
But speaking of dead screen legends, here's Madonna looking like Madeline Kahn if Madeline Kahn were alive and a hooker. And also a raisin.
[Image: Madonna.nu]
Bores, Bonds, Blossom's baby, and poorly-executed alliteration
Ricky Martin says his brief tenure as kind-of-famous in the late nineties left him "bored and embittered," claiming that, "Everything was too serious and I wasn't enjoying it." Because there's no job more serious than showing up onstage in sleeveless jean jackets and doing the Latin equivalent of the Elaine Dance. Except maybe clown mortician.
Daniel Craig has officially-officially been named the next James Bond, breathing new life into the franchise by having a hair color that rhymes with his character's name. Guess what color! I bet you'll never get it.
TV's Blossom, who's apparently a neuroscientist now, gave birth to her first child last week. So unless you have two kids and a job title that either begins with 'neuro-' or ends with 'scientist,' Blossom is better than you. Blossom. Yeah, four-dozen sleeping pills and a bottle of vodka is a lethal dose. Why do you ask?
