June 17, 2005
Britney Spears is an idiot
Glamour UK reports "Britney Spears says her new single is all about having a child, but Britney says she wrote it two weeks before she discovered she was pregnant. "I wrote this song at my piano, at my house. I wrote it two weeks before I found out that I was pregnant, so it was really kind of weird, because the song's about having a baby … It's kind of like a prophecy … Everyone in general should voice their wishes more, because I think the more you throw it out to the universe, if you're in the right space and place in your life, it's weird how the universe gives it back to you.”
Someone should probably sit Britney down and explain where babies come from, cause, correct me if I’m wrong, its not from the Universe after it heard your crappy song and decided you were ready. "Prophecy" might not be the only way to predict that unprotected sex with an idiot hillbilly who is too drunk/stupid to pull out might lead to pregnancy. It's also charming that someone who has been handed millions like Britney thinks the reason the rest of us aren’t rich is because we don’t “voice our wishes more.” Jesus Christ I hate these two. I gotta get me a bear. And teach it to maul anything in sky blue Fubu and backwards Yankees hats. And then release it in Malibu. Once chunks of Kevin showed up in the bears stool, animal control might be pretty upset, but then I’d explain it was Kevin Federline and we’d all have a pretty good laugh.
Is Mena Suvari gay?
Take this chick in the picture who Mena Suvari is holding hands with and then not holding hands with when she realized there were photographers around, and then photoshop it, and add a strap-on and a gladiator outfit and replace her un-clever liberal T-Shirt with one that has a picture of a penis with a circle and slash through it and then show her morphing into a bionic rhinoceros, and then hold it up side by side with the original, and see which one looks manlier. Yikes.
I really don't get this, cause it’s not like Mena Suvari can’t look hot every now and again.
thanks to Schizo over on JJB for finding these.
Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes are engaged
From the BBC:
Hollywood star Tom Cruise has become engaged to his girlfriend Katie Holmes at the Eiffel Tower in Paris. "Today is a magnificent day for me, I'm engaged to a magnificent woman," he told reporters on Friday … Holmes, 26, was wearing a large diamond ring as she accompanied Cruise, who was promoting his film War of the Worlds in France …”
Here’s the thing about Katie Holmes: despite Tom Cruise trying to convince the world otherwise, she’s not that great. She’s pretty dopey actually. She’s been famous for about 10 years now, but you never really saw that much on her, and now that we have, it turns out she can barely speak. And she has no core belief system. More Play-Doh than Plato. Tom Cruise showed up six weeks ago, now she dresses completely different, she’s monitored like an enemy of the state and she's converting to Scientology. She’s like one of those programmable pleasure robots that were supposed to have shown up by now based on movies I saw when I was a kid. So if anyone sees Katie walking around, try whacking her on the side a few times, maybe she’ll snap out of this insanity before its too late, cause keep in mind, Tom Cruise gets this excited about everything. He’s like a ferret on speed. He was professing his undying love for Nicole Kidman on Oprah ten minutes before he dumped her, while she was 3 months pregnant, and just a few months before their tenth anniversary, a convenient move that saved him millions in the settlement based on California law. At the time, many suggested that this was at the behest of his minders at Scientology, who had their own plans for those millions. So congratualtions Katie, if youre dream as a little girl was to marry Tom Crusie and be an easily tricked blank slate with big tits, you're a winner!
June 16, 2005
Lindsay Lohan loved by black guys
According to Lindsay Lohan, black rappers love her, which is to be expected because I'm a racist and I love associating black rappers with hoes. Actually, I just love associating Lindsay Lohan with hoes, but if you can insult an entire community, why not?
Black guys love me - Damon Dash, P Diddy. 50 called my agent for my number. He said he was watching Mean Girls and loved it. I was freaking out! The first thing I thought was, 'Where's Eminem?' I'm in love with him!
$10 says that if given the chance, Eminem would do things to Lindsay Lohan that would make her never ever be in love with him ever again. I'm talking dirty things, here. The kinds of things only rappers and male teenagers think about.
Britney Spears has big boobs
Britney Spears has always denied having breast implants, but an old actress named Sally Kirkland claims she knows who did Britney's surgery, and apparently he's pretty damn bad at it. Sally, who's 60-years old now, got implants many years ago and had major health problems because of them and is now warning Britney of the possible consequences.
I happen to know Britney Spears' breast-implant doctor, and I just hope she does not breastfeed. Because if she does, she could give her baby so many future health problems.
Britney's rep responded with the standard denial. "Thank you, Sally, for your concern for Britney, but she does not have breast implants, so you don't need to worry." I don't know if Britney used to have breast implants, but she clearly doesn't need them anymore. Ever since she got knocked up, her knockers have been pretty knockerific. And by knockerific, I mean monstrously huge. God bless pregnancy. Wait, did I say prengancy? I meant huge breasts.
Sex with Angelina Jolie is not that great
I’m not really sure what the relationship is these days between Angelina Jolie and ex-husband Billy Bob Thornton, so I’m not sure if this comment by him was directed at her, but the New York Daily News seems to think it was, and that’s good enough for me:
‘Sex doesn't have to be with a model to be good,’ Thornton says in July's Esquire. ‘Sometimes with the model, the actress or the 'sexiest person in the world,' it may literally be like fucking the couch.’ (Jolie was Esquire's "Sexiest Person in the World" last year.)”
We could go back and forth all day about whether I have or have not had sex with a couch, but the point here is that I find it impossible to believe that sex with Angelina Jolie is anything less than earth shattering. It got Brad Pitt to dump his wife and leave his Malibu mansion to camp out in Ethiopian villages with more types of pestilence than toilet paper, so I gotta imagine she’s at least down for a frosty.
Kabbalah is ‘Hollywood’s hottest cult’
I can’t even begin to wrap my mind around how 10 shades of crazy you have to be to take the title of ‘hottest Hollywood cult’ away from Scientology, but Kaballah sure as hell is trying. Radar Online has put up the first report in a series on the religion of Demi Moore, Ashton Kutcher, Madonna, Guy Ritchie and Britney Spears. Some of the highlights include:
- The Centre's leaders have claimed its Kabbalah Water can do everything from cleansing the lakes of Chernobyl to curing cancer. All the same, Madonna is going to team up with the Centre in marketing the water to the masses.
- Kabbalah Centre founder Philip Berg has made suspicious claims about being the rightful successor to revered kabbalist Rabbi Yehuda Brandwein. Berg also settled a lawsuit that charged him with copyright infringement and plagiarism.
- The Centre has a penchant for lending money (presumably donated to the “church” by parishioners) to companies owned by the Bergs' friends. That includes one $1.8 million loan to a company that flips real estate in inner-city L.A. neighborhoods.
- The Bergs' luxurious lifestyle stands in stark contrast to the bleak four-to-a-bedroom quarters of those who cook and clean for them, making $35 a month.
The next time some celebrity wants to lecture you on politics or the environment or war, please keep in mind the other insane stuff they believe and the genuine disdain they have towards you. Have no doubt, Hollywood is filled with drug-addict, whore-chasing, fuck-ups who sincerely do believe that they’re better then the mechanic in Mississippi who loves his wife and kids. The only good news is that they’re rich and easily duped, so anyone with a moose costume and a flashlight could probably convince a bunch of them that only the MooseLight Foundation can show the way to true enlightenment. That should be good for at least a few million.
June 15, 2005
Wilmer Valderrama is mind boggling
Lindsay Lohan claims she split with Wilmer Valderrama because she couldn't handle all his flirting, but doesn't make much sense because we're talking about freaking Fez here.
Wilmer was my first love. But the timing was bad. And there were all these girls around; he would flirt with them. And I couldn't handle that. I really didn't trust him. So that was hard too. My life was too out of order. I was too depressed. I was too concerned with Wilmer this, Wilmer that.
Fez must be some kind of sorceror, because there's no other explanation for how he managed to date Lindsay Lohan and Mandy Moore and then make them believe that they had a good thing going. That would be like McDonald's serving me freshly pooed poo, and then me getting upset because it wasn't pooey enough. Okay, that was a pretty weird analogy but you get what I'm saying: McDonald's serves poo. Feces, man. Feces.
Jenn Rivell lied about Jessica Simpson
According to Radar Online, the phone call Jenn Rivell made to a Philadelphia radio station two weeks ago was a scam orchestrated by both Rivell and Bam Margera.
Jennifer and Bam were holding out for the highest bidder,” says a source close to the former couple, who, we hear, are in on their “feud” together … Star shelled out $8,000 for “exclusive interviews” with Margera and Rivell in the latest issue, on stands today … A source close to the Jackass alum says that on April 19 — the night of Simpson’s supposed infidelity — Margera went back with Jessica and 10 other pals to Simpson’s parents’ house in L.A. after partying … at The Roxy until 2 a.m. … "Everyone slept at Jessica’s,” says the source, “but no one slept with Jessica, except maybe her little dog.”
If there’s one thing I’ve learned about quality relationships, it’s that nothing brings a couple together like lying about drunken infidelity on the radio for money. One of my Dr. Phil books even has a whole chapter called “Lie About Drunken Infidelity on the Radio for Money and Feel the Love Grow”. I didn’t read that chapter, cause I think I got the gist of it from the title, but I bet there are some pretty good ideas in there, cause who knows more about steamy relationships than Dr. Phil. Man that guy is hot!
Jennifer Aniston says Brad Pitt cheated
This mornings Page Six is reporting that the mystery behind the Brad Pitt / Jennifer Anniston “breakup has been solved. 'She told (Vanity Fair) she did want babies with Brad, and that starting a family wasn't the issue … The issue was Brad cheated…’”
It shouldn’t even count as cheating if you do it with Angelina Jolie. She should be some kind of exception, cause really, what choice do you have. It should just be understood that if Angelina is around, any social or sexual norms go right out the window. So if you see a general assembly at the UN and all the ambassadors have their feet up on the table and are masturbating, at first you might think, “Well that’s weird,” but then the camera would pan over to Jolie on stage giving a speech about starving babies getting ripped apart by crocodiles and you’d think, “Oh ok, I get it now.” And then you would take off your pants.
Nicole Kidman gets pissed
Nicole Kidman allegedly lost it yesterday when she was insulted by a photographer on the red carpet in New York.
"Her face just fell," Ramson said. "I thought, whoa, something's happened. Then she called her publicist over, who went over and had a word with the guy, but Nicole must have changed her mind about approaching him, because she stormed over and started shouting and waving her finger at him."
I sort of wish Nicole Kidman would have just kicked the guy in the nuts, because that would have been really really funny. And you know everybody there would have just started laughing at the guy because he got his nuts kicked, and not be mad at Nicole at all. Man, I wish somebody gave me a reason to kick them in the nuts. I do it all the time, but since it's to strangers for no reason at all, they're usually less understanding.
*Update: According to an anonymous reader, apparently Nicole Kidman's makeup artist died and the photographer was asking about it. Now that definitely deserves a kick to the nuts.
Lindsay Lohan talked out of partying
The folks at Disney have allegedly managed to sweet talk Lindsay Lohan into dropping the partying lifestyle while she promotes Herbie: Fully Loaded. Lindsay says that Disney honcho Nina Jacobson sat her down and talked with her and explained that Disney had put a lot of money into the movie and they needed to make sure she was going to be able to go out and promote it. Really though, what better publicity is there than Lindsay Lohan stumbling out of the Spider Club looking like a crack addicted skeleton? Based on the numerous polls I've run from my basement, the public loves crack addicted skeletons. And ice cream sandwiches. They definitely love ice cream sandwiches.
June 14, 2005
Paris Hilton retiring
Paris Hilton claims that in two years she'll give up the public life to settle down and be a good wife to her Greek fiance Paris Latsis and their children when she turns 26.
I thought it was cute to play a dumb blonde. On TV, I do it because it's funny. I consider myself a businesswoman and a brand. I don't enjoy going out anymore. It's such a pain. It's everyone saying, 'Let's do a deal! Can I have a picture?' I'm just, like, 'These people are such losers. I can't believe I used to love doing this.'
I wish I could believe that everybody's favorite whore is going to finally retire, but I find it hard to believe that somebody who wears a freaking tiara in public could so easily leave the spotlight. Unless, of course, she wears tiaras to blend into the public. Which might very well be the case, because my wilderness survival handbook says that wearing tiaras is the number one rule of camouflage.
Tom Cruise isn’t real clear on the facts
From IMDB: “Tom Crusies beliefs in Scientology are based on misinformation, according to Entertainment Weekly - after editors checked facts from a recent interview … Just weeks after accusing Brooke Shields of being ‘misinformed’ after she championed anti-depressants for helping her deal with post-partum depression, Cruise made a couple of sweeping statements to Entertainment Weekly (who checked) Cruise's comments and found out he wasn't accurate. Supporting Scientology claims that psychiatry is ‘a Nazi science’, Cruise stated, ‘Carl Jung … was an editor for the Nazi papers during World War Two,’ … (EW) researchers discovered this is untrue … The movie star continued, ‘Look at the experimentation the Nazis did with electric shock and drugging. Look at the drug methadone. That was originally called Adolophine. It was named after Adolph Hitler.’ The magazine also questions Cruise on this point, explaining, ‘According to the Dictionary Of Drugs And Medications, this is an urban legend.’”
This sure does feel like another witch hunt from the liberal media, cause if they have some proof that this religion - founded by a science fiction writer and based on million year old aliens trapped in volcano prisons - is some sort of sham, well, I would like to see that, sir. I would like to see your “proof” very much.
‘MJ Former Publicist’ talks and talks and talks
I didn’t really spend much time watching the Michael Jackson trial, and I turned in late to the verdict, so it took me a minute to realize if they were saying the boy at the center of the case “wasn’t credible” and Jackson was innocent or if he “was incredible” and Jackson was in love. And now that it’s over, I’d rather get advice from my grandfather about how to masturbate with a belt around my neck than spend another minute thinking about it, especially since, you know, maybe we could go fishing after that, but one story I couldn’t stop reading was a series of posts put up last night on the Data Lounge website by someone claiming to be Michael Jackson’s former publicist. There’s obviously no way to verify this, but if this person is lying, they’ve done their homework, offering insight on topics such as Michael Jackson nose being recut from ear cartilage, a morphine addiction, the reason his skin has turned white, and the long long line of ever present young boys.
You can read it all here.
June 13, 2005
Megan Mullally and Debra Messing fondle breasts
After Camryn Manheim introduced Debra Messing and Megan Mullally as the new Lucy and Ethel at last Friday's 2005 Women in Film Crystal/Lucy Awards, Megan Mullally playfully fondled Debra Messing's breasts.
The act got a big laugh at the annual event, and the bawdy tone spread throughout the evening as honorees and presenters told naughty jokes.
I'm so glad that there's somebody out there with the courage and integrity to stand up and do what I've always believed women should do: fondle each others' breasts. Unfortunately, the sight of Camryn Manheim sort of ruins the whole experience, but that's the price you have to pay if you want to see breast fondling action in public. And my God, is it a terrible and horrifying price.
Michael Jackson acquitted on all charges
Michael Jackson has been acquitted of all 10 charges against him, including getting a 13-year old cancer patient drunk and then sexing him up in ways only a deviant like your mother could. Wait, what? Did I just call your mother a deviant child molestor? Why yes, yes I did.
Mr. Jackson was prosecuted on 10 felony counts - four of child molesting, one of attempted child molesting, four of administering alcohol to aid in the commission of a felony, and conspiracy to commit child abduction, false imprisonment and extortion. Together, the charges carried a maximum possible sentence of more than 18 years in prison.
This whole Michael Jackson thing is really boring to me so let's just call it a day and have some pie or something.
Christina Aguilera music now officially torture
This week, Time magazine “reports on the interrogation of Mohammed al Qahtani at Guantanamo Bay, who is widely believed to be the so-called 20th hijacker, a compatriot of Osama bin Laden and a man who had tried to enter the U.S. in August 2001 to take part in the Sept. 11 attacks … The quizzing now starts at midnight, and when (al Qahtani) dozes off, interrogators rouse him by dripping water on his head or playing Christina Aguilera music.”
Thanks a lot pussy liberals. This could have been an awesome report if not for you, and they could have replaced the words “dripping water onto” with “slammed a hammer into” and “playing Christina Aguilera music” with “execute”. Honest to God, once I'm in charge, if I see any electronic equipment brought into a room with a guy involved with 9/11, I better hear the phrase, “Red is positve, black is negative” and “don't bother with any KY.”
Scarlett Johansson needs to think harder
According to a story on Glamour UK, “Scarlett Johansson says her ultimate fantasy would be having sex in the back seat of a car … ‘I do think having sex in a car is sexy. If I were in a really raunchy frame of mind and thinking of doing something crazy and kinky and sexy, the back seat would be it.’
I haven’t gotten around to having sex with Scarlett Johansson yet, I’ve been pretty busy, but I’ve always assumed it was gonna be pretty hot. Now I’m not so sure. Scarlett needs to get a computer, cause the back-seat fantasy died in the 1950’s once people figured out what porn was and it was only exciting in the first place cause drive-in movies led you to believe you might get attacked by a monster. If her ultimate deviant fantasy is sex in the back seat, I might bring a magazine or something cause I’m gonna get pretty bored pretty fast. Unless the back seat is filled with 10 other models and a saddle and some cowgirl hats. And a little something called the ‘Mr. T Power Fist.’ Although I’m gonna need a AC outlet and a surge suppressor for that one.
