April 07, 2006
Katie Holmes gets a pacifier
In the most made up story of the year, Star reports that Tom Cruise has commissioned an adult-sized pacifier for Katie Holmes to suck on while she gives birth. A source says:
"He commissioned an adult-sized 'binky' for Katie to clench between her teeth, hoping that it'll squelch her screams. In keeping with a Scientology silent birth, Tom is prepared to do whatever it takes to muffle Katie's moans and groans during the delivery."
The sad thing is, Tom Cruise is so out of his mind that all the crazy things tabloids make up about him are actually believable. They could print a story tomorrow that says "Tom Cruise eats deaf people to save hearing!" and people would just assume it was a weird Scientology ritual. Which, ironically, it is. Yeah, I said it. Scientologists eat deaf people.
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Comments
1. Posted by kate_possible on April 7, 2006 12:31 PM
okay that's just wrong, why would you make up that?
2. Posted by Italian Stallion on April 7, 2006 12:32 PM
Is it a Dildo?
3. Posted by Binky on April 7, 2006 12:34 PM
I deny any knowledge of this.
If she wants to suck Binky - I'm expecting more of a relationship
4. Posted by playahater101 on April 7, 2006 12:35 PM
"In keeping with a Scientology silent birth, Tom is prepared to do whatever it takes to muffle Katie's moans and groans during the delivery."
So what does that mean? He's gonna hold her mouth shut? Gag her? Sounds a little creepy. I hope she takes the pacifier and shoves it up his ass. Then again he may like that.
5. Posted by tonks7 on April 7, 2006 12:38 PM
im sick of this people, katie & tom are nasty!!!!!!
6. Posted by Blaze on April 7, 2006 12:41 PM
I dontunderstand why he is sooo conserned about her being silent.. what every happened to having a baby screaming I F@*king hate you you f@*king A$$hole...blah,blah,blah..
what a homo
7. Posted by Grphdesi23 on April 7, 2006 12:44 PM
All I can say is.....
This is fucked up!
8. Posted by Obadiah on April 7, 2006 12:44 PM
For real guys: how long has Katie been pregnant now?
9. Posted by Grphdesi23 on April 7, 2006 12:45 PM
So, after she uses the pacifier during birth, is Tom going to allow Katie to suck on his man-boobs for milk?
They say that's best for the baby, too.
10. Posted by oshkoshb-goshdammgosh on April 7, 2006 12:45 PM
I think they should give her a bottle of Scotch and put a bullet between her teeth, like in the Civil War. And just to piss off Tom, when the baby starts to emerge, Katie should star screaming "Yankee go home!" If only I was in charge of famous birthings...
11. Posted by imabeeatch on April 7, 2006 12:47 PM
Tom didn't have to get the adult sized binky made. He's just going to use his supersized butt plug. Tom loves the cock!
12. Posted by sweetcheeks on April 7, 2006 12:50 PM
#10 -- that's brilliant! I think my c-section would have gone splendidly if they had tossed in a bottle of scotch. And Atlanta had been burning all around me. And if I had a... um... "house worker" I could slap for not knowing "nothing about birthin' babies."
Those southern belles know how to get it DONE!
13. Posted by sweetcheeks on April 7, 2006 12:51 PM
I guess giving her his dick to suck on was simply out of the question. You know, because she's not a man.
14. Posted by whackjob on April 7, 2006 12:52 PM
not deaf people, dead people. They couldn't hear it right.
15. Posted by gsprescueguy on April 7, 2006 12:54 PM
Maybe he should give her a bat so that she could beat him about the head and neck area to help redirect her pain.
That's what I would like to do.
16. Posted by oshkoshb-goshdammgosh on April 7, 2006 12:54 PM
#12 - ha ha, "houseworker"
17. Posted by boredmilf on April 7, 2006 12:56 PM
I can just imagine the photo album:
This is Katie having her first contraction...
Here is one of Tom rubbing Katie's feet...
Here is the nurse checking how dialated she is...
Here is Katie feeling the pain... starting to sweat - ain't she beautiful?...
Here is Tom trying to calm Katie down with silient whispers in her ear...
Here is Tom offering Katie the pacifier...
Here is Katie screaming and ripping of Toms ears...
Ahhh... what a baby! It's a boy! It's got tenticals!... I mean testicles...
Here is Tom in the ICU... after having the pacifier removed from his ass and his ears stitched back onto his head...
What a perfect little happy family!
18. Posted by Ashlee on April 7, 2006 01:00 PM
I find it rather amusing that he wants the birth to be silent. I wouldn't have thought with all his blabbing that the concept of silent was even in his vocabulary.
If he's so concerned about silence why doesn't he shut-up?
19. Posted by imabeeatch on April 7, 2006 01:02 PM
I heard that Tom got a postcard with a photo of Earth taken from space...
On the back it said, "Wish you were here."
20. Posted by bravegirl01 on April 7, 2006 01:06 PM
GPSRescueGuy, ROTFLMAO!
21. Posted by rds0811 on April 7, 2006 01:14 PM
I wish Tom Cruise would be silent while his brain is giving birth to all this bullshit that he spews.
22. Posted by sometimesboy on April 7, 2006 01:15 PM
that's not a pacifer..it IS tom cruises penis...i mean PLEASE...a pacifer is near twice as large...esp. the girth...
23. Posted by Binky on April 7, 2006 01:24 PM
Well... what exactly is your definition of sex ?
I repeat. I did not have sex with that woman.
I does however, sound a lot like my evil twin.
24. Posted by Nik on April 7, 2006 01:26 PM
Why doesn't he just have the scientologists remove her voicebox? Come on, it's not like she'll ever use it again with Tom around...and it would be a surefire way to keep her quiet during the precious silent birth.
25. Posted by Twisted Humor on April 7, 2006 01:41 PM
I am a propeller of natural child birth.
And I think it's a good thing that Katie won't be hooterin' and hollerin'. Especially if it's a boy.
I mean, heh, a man's got the rest of his life to hear a woman yellin' at him!
* This message paid for by George W. Bush.
26. Posted by CheekyChops on April 7, 2006 01:49 PM
Why doesn't she just clamp down on Tom's balls with her hands during birth and make sure he's not allowed to shout either.
27. Posted by Craig & "em" on April 7, 2006 01:50 PM
Tom Cruise's singing hairpiece was not available for comment!
28. Posted by Evil Willow on April 7, 2006 02:01 PM
#25 Do you mean you are a proponent of natural childbirth? I cannot even find a mental image of what a propeller of childbirth would be. Something involving a boat?....
29. Posted by M@ce on April 7, 2006 02:06 PM
TCLTC
30. Posted by Maeve97 on April 7, 2006 02:14 PM
I am now starting to think Katie isn't pregnant. Okay, remember when she first came out as being pregnant, and she was at Tom's kid's soccer game? She was wearing that flowing shirt and her belly button was already an outtie, so people were guessing she was like 5 months prego. However, she's still pregnant, so at the time, she was really like 3 months, when a lot of women don't show. And then her belly got smaller, then bigger again.
http://www.defamer.com/hollywood/katie-holmes/katie-holmes-anatomy-of-a-fake-pregnancy-165400.php
31. Posted by mamadough on April 7, 2006 02:16 PM
he didn't father the kids he had w/nicole, so this is probably his first time being around a live birth AND HE HAS NO F'CKING CLUE HOW PAINFUL IT ACTUALLY IS. he probably thinks the childbirth pain is comparable to taking 2 dicks in the ass at once, which he can stay quiet for.
isn't there something out there that states they can't really make any noise aroudn the baby till its a week old? like that's really healthy.
what concerns me the most is there are no real scientologists "doctors", real doctors are too smart for that cult shit. you'd have a better labor with the drunken hobo that smells like piss helping you out than any scientologist "doctor".
i apologize for the lengthy rant.
32. Posted by Spindoc on April 7, 2006 02:22 PM
I thought she was already having pacifiers slipped into her water every 4 hours to keep her from waking up and fleeing that chamber of horrors that is Tom's house. The one thing I'm curious about is how he got the semen out of his vagina to impregnate her.
33. Posted by booface on April 7, 2006 02:26 PM
This came out a long time ago but it's really worth revisiting. Make sure you have your sound on. http://www.tcruiseko.ytmnd.com/
34. Posted by BigJim on April 7, 2006 02:28 PM
Why doesn't he just stuff one of his pet gerbils in her mouth?
35. Posted by okiedoke on April 7, 2006 02:49 PM
She is going to need SOMETHING to bite down on for sure. It's gonna be hard giving birth to a baby you've been pregnant with for 18 months.
36. Posted by bjpack on April 7, 2006 02:55 PM
Sources say that he bought it from here:
http://www.1greatadultstore.com/Merchant2/merchant.mv?Screen=PROD&Store_Code=1&Product_Code=PD7602-99
37. Posted by gogoboots on April 7, 2006 03:04 PM
There's something called dignity that Tom Cruise is SO clueless about. IT's just plain undignified to make a grown pregnant woman do that, and besides that, it's fucking weird as hell to even think about using a binky to silence the "moans and groans" of a pregnant woman. Would someone please KICK the shit out of him, if not I will!
38. Posted by booface on April 7, 2006 03:11 PM
Yeah, and on top of all this, he killed Oprah too.
39. Posted by Jayne on April 7, 2006 03:18 PM
Rumor floating around:
===I heard a juicy rumor today on the radio (Kroq) that she was already 2-3 months pregnant when she met Tom. And the baby's daddy is probably Chris Klein but then he dumped her and she started dating Tom. Sp she told Tom he said he would take care of her and the kid and help out her career. That means that she's already had the baby 2 months ago, but they are using a pillow or prosthetic as her pregnant belly to make it look like she got preggars when she met Cruise! This could totally be true, because really, it doesn't make sense that she is walking around shopping, about to burst, and Tom is in germany with his plane on call (and it would take him 13hrs to get back to CA so he would miss the birth anyway). So the rumor is that when they bring out the baby, it will be a 3 month old and not a newborn. The source said she based her theory on pictures taken of Holmes since she announced the pregnancy and other Hollywood insiders. If this is true, how great would that be!===
Makes sense to me.
40. Posted by bafongu on April 7, 2006 03:22 PM
I need to get some of what those two are taking. Must be a hell of a buzz! Imagine sitting around their dinner table watching them clack their lips and grunt and point at things instead of talking...
41. Posted by MeganHarris on April 7, 2006 03:37 PM
I'd believe it. Who knows.
i just wished they'd come clean about these strange things.. instead of saying the press MAKES stuff up
42. Posted by Nimuë LaMer on April 7, 2006 04:34 PM
Here's a picture of the binky in question:
http://www.flickr.com/photos/oldhamedia/3883208
43. Posted by imabeeatch on April 7, 2006 04:35 PM
I found a picture of what the baby is going to look like
http://www.mediabum.com/html/Alien-Baby.html
44. Posted by canucthis on April 7, 2006 04:37 PM
This guy needs to blow up and be gone. Can you imagine dinner with her Catholic parents and Tom? Oh wait I am sure they have never been together as Katie is just an over paid whore having a baby for a frek show so she can get more movie roles. Its all making sense to me now.
45. Posted by ebayfan414 on April 7, 2006 04:39 PM
He's fucking insane! Why doesn't he just sew her mouth shut and prick her with a gigantic needle everytime she makes a sound?
46. Posted by ning_ning on April 7, 2006 06:37 PM
she's having a alien, tom wants everything in silence and not in a hospital she's been pregnant for a year, he wants everything in silence because it gonna be a awful looking creature from another planet he can't wait to worship this creature which is going to be the anti-christ...so he can rule the world.
47. Posted by sirokai on April 7, 2006 07:44 PM
Tom wouldn't just lend her his dildo because that's his. He doesn't share.
48. Posted by Trotter on April 7, 2006 08:26 PM
39. Your almost right. Chris Klein is Katie's baby's father. But when Chris started dating Tom...
Its a blackmail thing.
49. Posted by Trotter on April 7, 2006 08:49 PM
ugh. You're... Damn Percocet
50. Posted by bunnyhugger on April 7, 2006 09:49 PM
oshkosh (#10),
i hear ken burns is making an 84-part documentary about the civil war soldiers giving birth.
man, it's tough in the trenches.
51. Posted by HollyJ on April 7, 2006 10:09 PM
I've given birth twice.
The first time they overdid the anaesthesia so much that I couldn't feel my legs for two days. That time I was yelling because my legs were dangling dead meat.
The second time, they turned the drip off too early and it was O NATURALLE by the time delivery time rolled around. That time I was yelling at them because it hurt like a mo-fo.
The moral is that (1) doctors fuck everything up and (2) you WILL make noise when a huge cranium comes out your 'gina...no matter what.
If she doesn't get a proper epidural or have an emergency C-section, she WILL be screaming (probably nasty words and accusations), no matter how many pacifiers he crams in her mouth.
52. Posted by Pez_D_Spencer on April 7, 2006 10:52 PM
#32 - a little tribadism a/k/a clam jousting.
53. Posted by maiira on April 8, 2006 03:55 AM
Wait, so Tom's a pedophile now?
I'm so confused.
54. Posted by LRonHubbaHubba on April 8, 2006 02:04 PM
#32: Kudos.
I can't wait to not see Mission Impossible 3.
55. Posted by krisdylee on April 8, 2006 02:43 PM
oh, he has nooooo idea... i hope the labour goes on for 57 hours, and he'll be so freaked out that katie's a sobbing screaming mess on the floor, pooping, throwing up, and looking like hell.... and after all her hard work, they want to take the baby away for 24 hours... harness the mother-bear power katie, and run, run away.
56. Posted by Miss Gulch on April 8, 2006 03:54 PM
#26 -- agreed! If she can pass what's likely to be a baby the size of a 10-pound bowling ball through her little slit without making a sound, lets see him offer up his little nuts in silence.
Katie at 5 centimeters: "TAKE THAT FREAKING PACIFIER OUT OF MY MOUTH!! WHAT THE %$#@$ WAS I THINKING WHEN I EVEN SLEPT WITH YOU, YOU #$#@$ ALIEN SCIENTOLOGY FREAK!!!! I WANT AN EPIDURAL NOOOOOWWWWWW!!!"
57. Posted by Dee on April 8, 2006 04:17 PM
freaks
58. Posted by junebug on April 9, 2006 04:07 AM
I saw this movie! It was called Rosemary's Baby.
59. Posted by cibby on April 9, 2006 07:09 PM
junebug, I was thinking the same thing. You know that scene in Rosemary's Baby where she has the bad dream? Her birth will be like that, and the delivery doctor will be Satan!
60. Posted by oshkoshb-goshdammgosh on April 10, 2006 11:23 AM
Where's Dawson when you need him?
61. Posted by Rama on April 10, 2006 09:36 PM
"Tom Cruise Gags Pregnant Fiancee". What a story. i wish I worked at the National Enquirer right now!
62. Posted by SweeterSweeterBoyfriendStealer! on April 11, 2006 09:24 AM
good one #26!!! #39, are you serious??? i always thought her tum tum looked kinda wierd, but then again, in no doc...but i heard that after the kid is born, there going to break up and he wants sole custody of his little Xenu. aaawwww, he really thinks that by having poor katie (who needs to get back with chris klien )rub her tum tum and say l ron hubbard that his spawn really WILL be....remember the south park episode??!!!!
luv ya all guys and babes!
<3
63. Posted by SweeterSweeterBoyfriendStealer! on April 11, 2006 09:31 AM
sorry me again.. #31---- AWESOME rant!!!!!....and if you enjoyed THAT diatribe, get ready for this!
yeah who the hell does tom think he is, of couse hes had a few giant butt plugs and a few dildos and a cock or 2 in his ass at the same time, but i HIGHLY DOUT that hurts as much as giving birth!!!!!! what a fucktard. oh, excuse me, i might upset the wrath of xenu and then all the body thetans of mine will be permantly negative until i pay the cult-- i mean church-- of scientoloCRAZINESS a few million so that i can possibly be alright and not infected with so much evil and negative vibes xenu caught in a soul catching machine....right....
64. Posted by SweeterSweeterBoyfriendStealer! on April 14, 2006 11:43 AM
oh, so so sorry its me again...i seemed to have mispelled "DOUBT". just wanted to clear that up before someone got offended and gave me a link to a dictionary. i have an idea! why dont you ( you know who you are ) just go ahead and GRADE all of us posting on this blog on our spelling, grammar and rhetoric?