November 15, 2005

Paris Hilton Causing Trouble

When I was twelve years old I asked my dad for a pet dog. He said yes, but first I'd have to complete three tasks. I asked him why all three tasks involved sodomizing the gardener, but he was rather glib about it. Anyway, the point is that I earned that dog, so I was damn well gonna keep track of him. And now here comes Paris Hilton, whose new pet monkey, Baby Luv, caused some problems during a lingerie shopping spree in Las Vegas last weekend, by biting Hilton and clawing her face when she walked into the Agent Provocateur shop at Caesars on Saturday. Later that night, at Kelly Osbourne's 21st birthday bash, Baby Luv escaped from Hilton's clutches — delaying the start of the proceedings by twenty minutes until staffers found him.

They say nothing goes together like monkeys and lingerie. Except for Paris and lingerie. Or Paris and gang-bangs. Or monkeys and gang-bangs. Or Paris getting gang-banged by a bunch of lingerie-wearing monkeys. Odds of that happening in the next five years? I'd say fifty-fifty.