Russell Crowe pays $11 million for telephone incident

The Daily Mail is reporting that Russell Crowe will pay $11 million to Nestor Estrada, the Mercer Hotel concierge he threw a telephone at back in June. If Nestor accepts the settlement, he'll have to give up news interviews and drop all the charges against Russell. If he doesn't accept, he'll officially be the dumbest concierge in all of concierge history. And considering I've seen a concierge actually defecate in a guest's suitcase before, you can be sure that means he would be pretty fucking stupid.

Let this be a lesson to all celebrities though. If you're going to throw a fit and attack a concierge with a telephone, make sure that you kill him. Otherwise you'll be forced to pay $11 million for something so trivial as throwing a telephone. I'm not saying Russell shouldn't be punished, I'm just saying $11 million seems a bit steep. For $11 million I'd probably let you throw three telephones at me, and maybe even a bowling ball.

Eva Longoria refused club entry

Eva Longoria reportedly threw a diva tantrum when she and her boyfriend, Tony Parker, were refused VIP entry to a Los Angeles nightclub. According to a witness, "She was demanding to be let in immediately. She was telling the doorman that she was a celebrity and wouldn't wait. But she was told, 'You're no exception here. You have to wait in line behind the other 100 people.'"

Eva's spokesperson insists she was only asking the doormen if the nightclub was too full for her and her friends to get in, saying, "She would never do that. She's very easy going that way. The club was at capacity. She was there with three other people and didn't know whether they could get in so she decided to forego it."

I'm not in the club owning business, but refusing entry to Eva Longoria seems like the worst business move you can make other than replacing your alcohol with urine and hiring blind lepers to be bartenders. Maybe they felt that having incredibly gorgeous and famous women in their club might be bad for business. Or maybe it was a gay bar. Whatever the reason, the club owners should be taken out back and run over with a truck. I used to drink paint as a child, and even I know that if Eva Longoria wants to get into your club, you better start kicking people in the nuts and pushing them out the back door to make room.

The Superficial is hiring an editor

If you're looking for a part time job and have dreamed of working from home in your underwear, then we've got a position for you. The Superficial is looking for an additional editor, and we know there's a shining gem in our readership somewhere. Ideally, the applicant should be very familiar with the internet, have rudimentary skills with image editing, be a prodigy with words, and have an intimidating knowledge of the latest pop culture. Recent college grads are encouraged, and actual journalism experience isn't required. Additionally, we're not looking for somebody to copy our writing style, but to add humor and insight in their own voice. We'll discuss payment as appropriate, but it works out to be a decently paying part-time job.

If you're interested in the position, then email apply@thesuperficial.com with a short bio about yourself as well as three sample articles which would appear on the site:

1. An article about breaking celebrity news.
2. An article about the latest celebrity rumor.
3. An article in the style of a "personal rant".

Because of the volume of applications, we won't be able to respond to every single one. If your submissions stand out, we'll contact you shortly to discuss the details of the position. Best of luck!

*Edit: Do not send attachments. Include your sample articles directly in your email. If you've already submitted your application with an attachment, please re-submit it. Any emails containing attachments will be ignored.

Jennifer Lopez blames career on fame

Jennifer Lopez claims her acting career is being ruined by her fame, and is desperate to land more serious movie roles but says directors refuse to consider her because her personal life is so public.

"In the beginning I was a blank slate. Then when I became famous I was being offered movies that I could star in but that's all. When I think I should be seeing the big directors, they don't even consider me. They see me as a sexy singer who is in the media too much."

What a coincidence, because the exact same thing happens to me whenever I try to meet with big directors. They always pass on me, and it's because they see me as the most beautiful and talented person in the entire Universe. Sure, everybody hates me, I whine a lot, and I can't really act, but I was in Anaconda and Maid in Manhatten, which means I'm practically Julia Roberts. You know, if Julia Roberts was an arrogant and annoying Latino woman with no discernible talent whatsoever who enjoys draping dead animals around her body.

Christopher Walken runs for president

I've never crapped my pants over somebody running for President before, but that's because Christopher Walken has never run for President. And if I just implied that I crapped my pants, good, because I totally did. I don't know if you know this, but Christopher Walken is one of the greatest humans on the planet. Besides killing terrorists with his bare hands and curing life-threatening diseases, he's also kicked Hitler in the face twice. I want to live in a world where the President of the United States is Christopher Walken. It might end civilization as we know it, but imagine the President saying to the British Prime Minister, "I've got a fever, and the only prescription is more cowbell." You can't put a price on that. Even if you tried.

Janice Dickinson has best driver's license photo ever

I don't care if Janice Dickinson actually is the world's first supermodel like she claims she is, or if she's the thirtieth. With a driver's license photo as spectacular as hers, she can say pretty much anything she wants and people will believe it. She could call herself the world's first Emperor of Rome, and if anybody doubted her she could just whip out her license and say, "If I'm not the world's first Emperor or Rome, then how did I get a driver's license photo that looks this fucking amazing?" And then everybody would gasp in awe and mutter among themselves that maybe she was the first Emperor of Rome.

Courtney Love is still insane

According to sources, almost all of Courtney Love's antics had to be cut out of Comedy Central's roast of Pamela Anderson because of their inappropriate nature. In addition to slamming her head into a photographer's lens while posing for a close-up, she also lifted up her shirt, repeatedly flashed her crotch, and engaged in simulated oral sex in front of the huge audience. Now if that's not the epitome of wholesome family values, then I don't know what is! Oh wait, yes I do: hardcore anal sex with animals.

In other news, it was announced yesterday that Courtney Love tested positive for drugs. Shocking!

Julia Roberts quits acting

A friend of Julia Roberts has revealed that after appearing in the Broadway show Three Days Of Rain next year, Julia Roberts will quit acting so that she can spend time with her twins.

"Julia is done with Hollywood and starring in a Broadway play is the chance to make a graceful exit. She's been talking about leaving Los Angeles and stopping the movie roles ever since the twins were born late last November. She wanted a change of scenery, a change of pace and a new challenge."

I'd like to believe this, but the thought of Julia Roberts walking away from acting while she's still one of the biggest stars in the world just doesn't make sense to my brain. If I was offered the kind of money Julia Roberts is offered, I would sell my kids on the black market and get back to making movies as quickly as possible. Getting pregnant is easy. Getting paid $30 million to star in a movie is not.

Jessica Simpson makes jeans for fat people

Jessica Simpson is coming out with a new line of plus-size jeans which will be made in sizes 12 to 24 and be available in Avenue stores. In regards to the decision, Jessica's father and manager, Joe Simpson, told USA Today, "We have people 300 pounds or 90 pounds come up to Jessica and say, 'I'm just like you' ... It's not about the outside. It's what's inside."

Call me silly, but what in the name of Pauly Shore's testicles does a person's inner worth have to do with selling jeans to fat people? I'm not saying that fat people can't be good people, I'm just saying that it has absolutely nothing to do with selling jeans. Unless, of course, telling fat people they're good on the inside is your pathetically clichéd attempt to trick them into thinking you care, in which case yes, maybe it is related to selling jeans. I don't want to be rude, but can somebody shoot this guy in the face already?