Jennifer Lopez blames career on fame

Jennifer Lopez claims her acting career is being ruined by her fame, and is desperate to land more serious movie roles but says directors refuse to consider her because her personal life is so public.

"In the beginning I was a blank slate. Then when I became famous I was being offered movies that I could star in but that's all. When I think I should be seeing the big directors, they don't even consider me. They see me as a sexy singer who is in the media too much."

What a coincidence, because the exact same thing happens to me whenever I try to meet with big directors. They always pass on me, and it's because they see me as the most beautiful and talented person in the entire Universe. Sure, everybody hates me, I whine a lot, and I can't really act, but I was in Anaconda and Maid in Manhatten, which means I'm practically Julia Roberts. You know, if Julia Roberts was an arrogant and annoying Latino woman with no discernible talent whatsoever who enjoys draping dead animals around her body.

Christopher Walken runs for president

I've never crapped my pants over somebody running for President before, but that's because Christopher Walken has never run for President. And if I just implied that I crapped my pants, good, because I totally did. I don't know if you know this, but Christopher Walken is one of the greatest humans on the planet. Besides killing terrorists with his bare hands and curing life-threatening diseases, he's also kicked Hitler in the face twice. I want to live in a world where the President of the United States is Christopher Walken. It might end civilization as we know it, but imagine the President saying to the British Prime Minister, "I've got a fever, and the only prescription is more cowbell." You can't put a price on that. Even if you tried.

Janice Dickinson has best driver's license photo ever

I don't care if Janice Dickinson actually is the world's first supermodel like she claims she is, or if she's the thirtieth. With a driver's license photo as spectacular as hers, she can say pretty much anything she wants and people will believe it. She could call herself the world's first Emperor of Rome, and if anybody doubted her she could just whip out her license and say, "If I'm not the world's first Emperor or Rome, then how did I get a driver's license photo that looks this fucking amazing?" And then everybody would gasp in awe and mutter among themselves that maybe she was the first Emperor of Rome.

Courtney Love is still insane

According to sources, almost all of Courtney Love's antics had to be cut out of Comedy Central's roast of Pamela Anderson because of their inappropriate nature. In addition to slamming her head into a photographer's lens while posing for a close-up, she also lifted up her shirt, repeatedly flashed her crotch, and engaged in simulated oral sex in front of the huge audience. Now if that's not the epitome of wholesome family values, then I don't know what is! Oh wait, yes I do: hardcore anal sex with animals.

In other news, it was announced yesterday that Courtney Love tested positive for drugs. Shocking!

Julia Roberts quits acting

A friend of Julia Roberts has revealed that after appearing in the Broadway show Three Days Of Rain next year, Julia Roberts will quit acting so that she can spend time with her twins.

"Julia is done with Hollywood and starring in a Broadway play is the chance to make a graceful exit. She's been talking about leaving Los Angeles and stopping the movie roles ever since the twins were born late last November. She wanted a change of scenery, a change of pace and a new challenge."

I'd like to believe this, but the thought of Julia Roberts walking away from acting while she's still one of the biggest stars in the world just doesn't make sense to my brain. If I was offered the kind of money Julia Roberts is offered, I would sell my kids on the black market and get back to making movies as quickly as possible. Getting pregnant is easy. Getting paid $30 million to star in a movie is not.

Jessica Simpson makes jeans for fat people

Jessica Simpson is coming out with a new line of plus-size jeans which will be made in sizes 12 to 24 and be available in Avenue stores. In regards to the decision, Jessica's father and manager, Joe Simpson, told USA Today, "We have people 300 pounds or 90 pounds come up to Jessica and say, 'I'm just like you' ... It's not about the outside. It's what's inside."

Call me silly, but what in the name of Pauly Shore's testicles does a person's inner worth have to do with selling jeans to fat people? I'm not saying that fat people can't be good people, I'm just saying that it has absolutely nothing to do with selling jeans. Unless, of course, telling fat people they're good on the inside is your pathetically clichéd attempt to trick them into thinking you care, in which case yes, maybe it is related to selling jeans. I don't want to be rude, but can somebody shoot this guy in the face already?

Angelina Jolie is a Cambodian citizen

According to a senior official, Angelina Jolie has been given Cambodian citizenship in recognition of her environmental work in the country, and has agreed to spend $5 million over the next 15 years to set up a wildlife sanctuary there.

That's pretty good, Angelina, but you'll have to do better than that if you want to top me. I didn't want to announce this until September, but I recently found $0.58 in between my couch cushions and I plan on donating it to Ethiopia. And before critics start speculating that I'm only doing this to attain that valuable Ethiopian citizenship, I want to assure everybody that my donation comes straight from the heart. The heart of Ethiopia that is! Wait, that didn't make any sense. And neither did anything else I've been saying for the past three minutes. Geezus, why am I still talking?

Thanks to Arnst for the tip.

Paris Hilton will not appear on Wild On

According to an insider, Paris Hilton has refused to appear on Wild On with Tara Reid and has repeatedly asked the cameras to stop filming her. The insider says, "Tara has been following Paris with a camera. Paris keeps asking her to stop, but she won't put the camera away." Supposedly, E! producers wanted to open Tara's show with scenes of her partying with Paris, but the source adds, "That's not going to happen, Paris won't sign the release forms."

This is a smart move on Paris Hilton's part, since being seen on TV with Tara Reid might give the impression that she's a slut, and not the obviously respectable business woman that she is. To be fair to Paris though, I hear that Tara Reid is actually so whorish that when prostitutes stand next to her they're technically virgins again. And I've pointed it out before, but there is something seriously wrong with Tara's stomach. I've never actually seen a flesh eating virus at work, but I imagine this is what it would look like. You know, if flesh eating viruses make your body look like lumpy mush that is.

Matt LeBlanc falls into stripper trap

According to The Sun, Matt LeBlanc has apologized to his wife and baby daughter for drunkenly groping a stripper during a night out at an all-nude club in Victoria, British Columbia. He admits that during a ten day motorcycle trip in Canada with five of his friends, he went to a strip club where a stripper "lured" him into an adjoining room where she removed her black spandex clothing and sat on his lap.

"The stripper was all over me. I was drinking, and she was crossing the line. She was in my face, pushing her breasts into me and grabbing my hands to go all over her body. She was telling me to caress her and in my head I'm thinking, 'What's going on?' If I had. been sober, perhaps I would have acted quicker, but I was pretty drunk. When I realized the situation that was unfolding I felt I was being careless and irresponsible, and I had to get the hell out of there. I could not wait to get home. The guys said a trap had been set for me and I fell right in it, and that's why I feel stupid and careless now."

I'm always shocked when I go into strip clubs to find naked women trying to take their clothes off for me. I think it's obvious that I head into these place to brush up on my quantum physics, so it's downright sneaky of them to hang out there with their privates exposed. I didn't come here to watch a naked girl dance on a pole, damnit. I came here for science!