Scarlett Johansson shocked she has big boobs

The Daily Record reports that Scarlett Johansson nearly crashed her car when she saw her digitally enhanced boobs on a billboard, slamming on her brakes when confronted with the huge advert.

"I was driving through Los Angeles and I look up and see the biggest photo of me I have ever seen in my life on a massive ad space. I screamed and slammed on the brakes. I couldn't believe it. It's very strange to see my cleavage the size of a brontosaurus. My breasts were huge. I had long hair and my goodness, I couldn't get past the cleavage."

I think I saw that exact same billboard, but instead of almost crashing, I just took off my pants and started fondling myself instead. The guy behind me was upset because I was holding up traffic, but when he walked up to my car I just pointed to the billboard and he understood. Or at least I assume he understood, because he started taking off his pants as well. Now that I think about it, that was a pretty weird day.

Jessica Alba had an eating disorder

Jessica Alba has admitted to Glamour magazine that she suffered from anorexia several years ago, starving herself and becoming obsessed with exercise during her preparation for Dark Angel, at one point even dropping to 100lbs.

"A lot of girls have eating disorders, and I did too. I got obsessed with it. When I went from a girl's body to a woman's body with natural fat in places, I freaked out. It makes you feel weird, like you're not ready for that body."

Jessica, who also suffered from obsessive compulsive disorder and panic attacks, is also quoted in The Sun as saying, "Everyone in my family is heavily overweight and I wanted to be healthier, so I started cooking for myself when I was 12."

So there it is, ladies. If you want to be crotch-kickingly sexy like Jessica Alba, you have to develop an eating disorder and starve yourself until you look the way a real woman should: like a sexy zombie skeleton. Sure it might be stupid and dangerous, but that's the price you have to pay if you want society to accept you. And when girls say you're too skinny and guys say you're disgusting, that just means they're jealous. Fat people are always jealous.

Paris Hilton's ring is too heavy

In the upcoming issue of US Weekly, a source reveals that Paris Hilton has been complaining her engagement ring hurts her finger because it's too heavy.

“[Hilton] started complaining how heavy her 24-carat ring was and that her finger hurt.” US Weekly also reports that fiancé Paris Latsis, heir to a Greek shipping fortune, “got her a more manageable diamond-less platinum Cartier band for everyday wear.”

To be fair, 24-carats is a pretty ridiculous weight to be carrying around on your finger. Imagine, if you will, wearing a TV on your finger 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. Now imagine that TV is made out of diamond and worth 100 gajillion dollars, and you'll have an idea of what Paris Hilton has to go through. Say what you will, but that girl is a hero.

[Image: Getty Images via MSNBC]

Tara Reid is still a drunken whore

As if Tara Reid's transition from American Pie actress into ultimate whore wasn't evident enough, here are some pictures of her and Paris Hilton looking classy as ever at the VIP Room. From the looks of things, maybe she should have put off that new boob job and gotten some work done on her ass. If you're going to be stumbling around drunk in clubs letting random people grab your butt, maybe put some effort into making it at least slightly appealing. Or, you know, cover it up with a skirt that actually reaches below the cheeks. Then again, I have no idea what it takes to be a drunken whore so maybe I should just leave it to the professionals who know what they're doing.

Thanks to the awesomely sexy Justin for the pictures.

Jessica Simpson wants you to get in shape

Jessica Simpson is signed to launch a new home treadmill line - as well as a workout video with her personal trainer - after she spent six days a week getting into shape for The Dukes of Hazzard.

"I have a workout video coming out and now everybody can do the Daisy Duke workout, and I have a treadmill line that I'll be selling. I hope the film inspires others to really want to get in shape. It's the toughest challenge. It was extra tough for me because I was going to be on a big screen in a bikini. For any girl, I think that would put them on the treadmill and doing extra squats. I was in the gym six days a week, two-and-a-half-hours a day with a trainer."

At first I thought the idea of Jessica Simpson selling workout tapes and treadmills was a stupid idea - like appearing in Proactiv infomercials - but then I realized that women in workout tapes usually dress in sports bras and spandex shorts, and Jessica Simpson in a sports bra and spandex shorts isn't a bad idea at all. In fact, it's almost as brilliant as Carmen Electra releasing a strip aerobics video. And in case you weren't aware, "brilliant" and "humongously sexy" have pretty much the same meaning to me, which should explain why I always feel so dirty after talking about Albert Einstein and Stephen Hawking.

Jennifer Lopez gets depressed

Apparently Elle magazine made Jennifer Lopez sad when they asked how she felt about Ben Affleck and Jennifer Garner expecting a baby. When asked of the pregnancy, she replied, "I hope that they're happy. You know, it's a beautiful thing. There are no hard feelings." But when Elle apologized for raising the subject, Lopez - who later admitted that becoming a mother is one of her ultimate dreams - responded, "Yeah, you depressed me."

If I worked for a magazine - which I don't, so start sending in offers - I would be the worst interviewer in the history of the world. Not only would I ask the most personal and hurtful questions possible, I'd also bring up totally inappropriate topics like the Holocaust and short people. "So Jennifer, what are your views on Jewish people? Do you hate them as much you hate midgets?" And just to make them even more uncomfortable, I'd bring along my pet alligator to bite them in the leg every now and then. It's not very professional, but I'll be damned if I let professionalism stand in the way of me doing whatever the heck I want.

Brooke Burke and Garth Fisher separate

People Magazine reports that Brooke Burke and her husband, Beverly Hills plastic surgeon Garth Fisher, have split up.

"We are saddened to announce that we have mutually decided to separate after seven years together," Burke and Fisher said in a statement. "Although our careers have taken us in different directions the past few years, we have a great deal of respect for one another and remain committed to raising our two children together."

This was inevitable, seeing as how every man in America wants to have sex with Brooke Burke and nobody has any idea who Garth Fisher is. I'm surprised they lasted seven years, but I guess that's the amount of time it took for Brooke to realize that she could probably be sleeping with guys that were more famous and better looking. Don't get me wrong, Garth Fisher looks like a real dream, but compared to somebody famous like Brad Pitt he looks like poo.

Kate Moss wins libel suit

A lawyer for Kate Moss said today that she has accepted substantial libel damages from Britain's Sunday Mirror that alleged she had collapsed into a coma after taking cocaine. The report publisehd online in January said that during a visit to Barcelona, Spain, in June 2001, Kate collapsed into a drug-induced coma and had to be revived after taking large amounts of cocaine. I guess the problem with the story was that they left out the part about a homeless man having sex with her passed out body before she got to the hospital. They also left out the part where she murdered three orphans because she's a supermodel and they were ugly. Maybe next time they'll remember to put in those key details and not get sued for making stuff up.

Vince Vaughn doesn't understand celebrity gossip

Vince Vaughn is a pretty hilarious actor, but when it comes to real life he's probably the biggest ass in Hollywood. He recently told reporters that he doesn't understand people who are interested in the love lives of celebrities.

"I don't know who spends their time on `Oh my God, what happened today?'" Vaughn told reporters recently, according to AP Radio.

He has this advice for those who are obsessed with celebrity gossip: "Go kiss someone and go get something to eat and take a nap, you're going to be fine, kid."

Vince needs to realize that not everybody's life is as exciting and glamorous as that of a celebrity. Nobody gives a crap about the love lives of high school janitors, but I'd wager my own genitals that Vince Vaughn would never trade places with them. Why? Because janitors don't make eleventy million dollars to make pretend for a living and be loved by half the world. If you don't want to be popular, then take up an occupation that doesn't place you in the direct view of every human on the face of the planet.