Where was Katie Holmes in April?

This story has been around for a few days now, but Fox has a pretty nice summary of the details and the timeline as it's known. The gist of it is that Katie Holmes, who has always been extremely close to her family and friends and always appeared devoted to her agent and manager, disappeared for 16 days in April. 16 days where no one knew where to find her, 16 days where she had no contact with anyone she had always been close too, 16 days that immediately proceeded her explosion on the public scene as the girlfriend of Tom Cruise and a new convert to the church of Scientology.

Some people might find it curious that things like this seem to keep happening to people immediately before pledging allegiance to Scientology. And that weirdness is a completely random event that seems to follow these people 100 percent of the time. But Katie Holmes insists on wearing hilariously high heels whenever she and Tom Cruise are in public, so there’s at least an once of resistance left in the girl. She does blink a lot however, and someone who knows morse code might want to look into that. I knew this dude who got duped by Scientology one day and ended up stuck in their center in Hollywood for like 10 hours. I totally meant to go save him, but then his girlfriend gave me a hand job and I got pretty sleepy.

I think his name is Baala Xenu now.

Jennifer Aniston and Vince Vaughn together

Another shame inducing waste of time, brought to you today by the fine folks at IMDb: “Rumors Jennifer Aniston is dating Vince Vaughn have surfaced again after the Hollywood stars were photographed hugging each other on the set of upcoming movie The Break Up. (Aniston) has been concentrating on her acting career since her split from Brad Pitt earlier this year - but pictures publishing in British newspapers show the co-stars touching each other in a way which suggests they are more than friends. In one snap published in the Daily Express Vaughn has both of his arms wrapped around Aniston, while she has both of her hands resting on his thigh.”

Here are those pictures the article mentions, and the noteworthy thing here is how big Celebrity Heartthrob Vince Vaughn looks. And I don’t mean fat (well, I kinda do) but he also looks taller than I remember. In the last picture, Aniston looks like she’s about to jump on his back like the end of that scene where Yoda decapitated those two Storm Troopers sent to kill him. Yoda’s fuckin cool!

Jessica Simpson on the cover of GQ

My awesome level of jingoism leads me to believe that this picture of Jessica Simpson with her long blond hair and stars and stripes bikini is quite possibly the greatest thing ever and for some reason re-convinces me that Black Hawk helicopters are effective diplomats and that nothing helps keep my gas prices low quite like a Tomahawk missile bearing down on a camel. It also reaffirms that Nick Lachey is on the clock, and has zero chance of holding on to this girl. But hold your head high Nick. Keep in mind, you’re Nick Lachey. You couldn’t even do a boy band right and you set your sights on Jessica Simpson. No one has over-reached like that since that time John Travolta came on to me while I was bartending in Santa Monica. Sorry dude, I liked Broken Arrow and all, but not enough that I’m gonna blow you.

The Superficial News

• Lindsay Lohan threw a tantrum at the premiere of Herbie: Fully Loaded because her song was played during the credits and not the race scene. Then she did a line of cocaine and gave oral sex to ten guys just for the heck of it. That girl is crazy.

• Scarlett Johansson dropped out of Mission Impossible III because Tom Cruise was trying to convert her to Scientology. Jokes on her though, because Scientology is totally credible and not full of crap at all.

• Leonardo DiCaprio is filing charges against the woman that hit him with a beer bottle last week. If it was me, I would have just had her set on fire. Them's the perks of being famous. You can have whoever you want set on fire and nobody cares!

Courtney Love is disgusting

These pictures of Courtney Love and Pam Anderson (Pam is the one on the right) at the premier of Rize showed up last night and it’s absolutely remarkable how bad Courtney looks. I know calling her ugly is kind of redundant, but a normal human body has the occasional right angle on it. And hers used too. Now she looks like Strong Sad - look at that hoof she has jammed into that poor shoe. I’ve never felt so much empathy for a shoe before. I have no empathy for her since she’s done this to herself, she has all the time and money in the world and yet she looks like one of those Water Weasels where one grab one end and squeeze and all the fluid inside balloons up on the other. At least she’ll never sneak up on anyone, since there’s probably a sloshing sound whenever she walks. And she’s clearly still on drugs cause there no way you can stand on a red carpet looking like this next to Pam Anderson looking like that and not wanna put a shotgun in your mouth. Which is kind of ironic, since it’s Courtney Love were talking about.

Cameron Diaz gets punched

From MSN: "Cameron Diaz was left stunned after she was punched in the face by a model who claimed the actress ruined her dress at a star-studded party … Furious Coralie Eicholtz, 23, attacked Cameron at Monte Carlo nightclub Jimmy's after saying the actress stood on her gown causing her to trip and fall."

Punching Cameron Diaz in the face has to be the most gratifying feeling in the world. And now that a precedent has been set, I’m gonna go buy a bunch of long flowing gowns and just kinda walk around where I think she might show up. So, if you guys wanna hang out or something, I'll be the real handsome guy walking around Malibu in a wedding gown with a ten foot train and a kendo stick. And if you look behind me and Cameron Diaz is walking up, cover your ears cause you're about to hear a loud snap. Followed by a bunch of crying.

note - If you can't tell by the thumbnail, this picture of Coralie is NSFW. Not by any great design of mine, but it seems that's all she does, pretty much. More pictures here.

I have no idea what to call this one

Never think for a second that famous Hollywood stars like Leo DiCaprio, Tobey Maguire and David Blaine aren’t just like you or me. Why, I can’t count the number of times growing up when me and my buddies sat around in kimonos enjoying a Japanese tea service with our schlongs hanging out. Oh, wait, yes I can. Turns out it was zero.

To be fair, this picture may or may not be photoshopped. And if it is, I’m gonna guess Tobey Maguire is the one who did it. And not just for that one obvious reason, but also cause he’s kind of a fat lump, and here he looks like the trim gay porn star that his acting range suggests he should be. I know I haven’t been real clear about the hot penis action you're going to see in the very NSFW picture after the jump, but that’s only because I’ve been stabbing myself in the temple with an ice pick since seeing it, and I think I finally found the part of my brain that controls remembering horrific images. Oh, yeaahhh, that’s the spot.

Thanks to Daniel for sending this in. Wait, did I say “thanks”, I meant to say “I hate you.”

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Sharon Stone approached by Playboy

According to a friend of Sharon Stone, Playboy has been approaching her to do another photoshoot before she turns fifty.

A friend of the actress said: "Sharon's sizzling and Playboy noticed. And she has been asked to pose again before she hits the big 5-0." The details have yet to be worked out, but if Stone accepts she will flaunt her curves in a tropical location.

Unfortunately, I don't think anybody is interested in seeing Sharon Stone naked in Playboy. Not that she doesn't look decent for a 47-year old, it's just that I can't imagine there's a very big market for leather-skinned ice queens out there, although I've been wrong about this sort of thing before. Actually no, no I haven't. I've never been wrong. About anything. Ever. And I'm awesomely good looking, so I guess everything really worked out for me. Except for this damn penis. It's just too big.

Ben Affleck doesn't care

If there one thing I hate more than robots from the future who try to kill me - and I fuckin hate robots from the future who try to kill me - it’s idiots who chain smoke around pregnant women. And Jennifer Garner is clearly pregnant at this point. And based on that cloud of smoke around Ben Affleck, he’s either a magic dragon or he’s smoking five cigarettes at a time. I’m no filthy hippy who freaks out about second hand smoke, but I also acknowledge that there’s probably a reason gynecologists don’t insert a pipe filled with rich tobacco during prenatal exams.