Lindsay Lohan removes freckles

Star Magazine, the bastion of all that is true, is reporting that Lindsay Lohan may have gotten her freckles removed as part of her plan to change her appearance and be taken more seriously as an adult. Also part of her plan, losing her once fantastic breasts and looking like a crack-addicted whore.

The Mean Girl has slimmed down (at 5'7", she's an alarming 112 lbs.), glammed up (she's bleached her trademark red locks ), and now, it looks like she's doing away with her freckles.

I don't think we even need to report on Lindsay anymore. We can just release periodic updates that say "Lindsay Lohan still insane" and move on with our lives. Which, if you're anything like me, means having sex with hundreds of supermodels. At once.

Jessica Simpson scared of gossip

The New York Daily News is reporting that rumors of Jessica Simpson splitting with Nick Lachey have made her scared to do publicity for The Dukes of Hazzard with Johnny Knoxville because she doesn't want to feed gossip that they had a fling. I can't help but feel that I've somehow contributed to this, so I'm going to set things straight once and for all. Jessica Simpson has never cheated on Nick Lachey with Johnny Knoxville or any other man. I mean, why would she sleep with another man when everybody knows she's a lesbian. Dum dum dummmmm!

Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie hold hands

The Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt issue hasn't officially been resolved yet, but here are some pictures that should finalize the argument. I don't know about you, but if I'm married and am going to hold another woman's hand in public, you better believe I'm also going to be having crazy animal sex with her. There's very little chance I'd ruin a marriage to Jennifer Aniston by holding another woman's hand without at least getting something to show for it. But that's just me. I'm picky about the way I ruin my marriages. Although there was that one time Dustin Diamond approached me while I was drunk at Cinespace. Boy, was that a mistake I'll only make twice.

*Edit: Yes, obviously they're on set. It's only interesting because the cameras don't seem to actually be on them.

Paris Hilton crashes server

Paris Hilton's car wash ad was so successful that it crashed Carl's Jr's site for four hours. I guess perverts were too excited to see the 60-second version of the commercial which is only available online. And who can blame them, because watching a giant insect wash cars and eat hamburgers is pretty high on my list of sexual fantasies. Right up there with seeing a lion mutilate a horde of fighting midgets.

"It was a mixed blessing," Carl's Jr.'s executive vice president of marketing, Brad Haley, said in a statement. "It turned out that Paris was too hot for our servers."

But it turns out my foot isn't too hot to kick his ass for making such a terrible "too hot" reference. I hope somebody punched this Brad Haley in the face or fired him for saying something so ridiculously lame.

The Superficial Downtime

Yes...the past 48 hours have been a pretty huge mess. If the site hasn't been loading for you that's because we've switched over to a brand new server. I'm not sure what happened, but a combination of terribly unsexy events brought the site to a stand still. This new server should make sure none of that crap ever happens again though. And sorry for the lack of updates. The server switch made it so the site couldn't be accessed or updated. Trust me, it was more painful for us than it was for you. But mostly because weird bald men kept poking us in the stomach with sharp objects all day. They were mean!

Kylie Minogue has breast cancer

Kylie Minogue announced today that she has breast cancer and will be postponing her current tour to seek treatment.

Minogue's management company that the 36-year-old's diagnosis was confirmed this week during a visit to the southern Australian city of Melbourne, her hometown.

I'd say more, but cancer is pretty much the worst thing in the world so I'm just hoping she deals with it okay, although breast cancer isn't usually that bad so I'm sure everything will be fine. At least she didn't get butt-cancer though, because that would've been a career ending disease. Ya know, because she has a nice butt. And uh, I like looking at it. *Cough* No, you're a pervert.

Thanks to Jonathan for the tip.