Angelina Jolie Doesn’t Have Any Friends

September 10th, 2010 // 84 Comments

You’d think having an international reputation as a husband stealer would endear you to women the world over thus creating a cabal of lasting friendships, but then again, I’ve always been something of a handsome visionary. Long story short, nobody likes Angelina Jolie. Us Magazine reports:

“I’ll talk to my family,” the actress — who is currently in Pakistan — said. “I talk to Brad [Pitt]; he wants to know as much as he can about these issues and every trip. He’s been here as well; he came with me after the earthquake. But I don’t know, I don’t have a lot of friends I talk to. He is really the only person I talk to.”

Ha! Brad Pitt fell for the oldest trick in the book. The significant other who stops having a social life, only to sit around resenting yours. Sometimes we’re not so different from celebrities after all…

BRAD: Honey, I’m going out for a couple beers.
ANGIE: Oh. Okay.
BRAD: What?
ANGIE: I guess I’ll just sit here and watch Lifetime.
BRAD: *sigh* Do you want me to stay home?
ANGIE: No, no. Go. Have a good time with your “friends.”
BRAD: Jesus Christ, Ang… *slaps on jetpacks*
ANGIE: Watch the Faberge eggs, asshole!
BRAD: *farts a million dollars* Watch that. Bitch. *flies off*
ANGIE: Argh! MEN. *drives a Lamborghini into the Mona Lisa*

(Sorry if that brought back a lot of vivid, eerily accurate details for everybody.)

Photos: Splash News

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  1. George Burdell

    First!

  2. Asswipper

    NUMBER 3!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  3. SayWhat

    She lies she has 4,965 facebook friends:P

    • in ur whole life you’re lucky if you have more than a few real friends. most are acqaintances, who’ll never deliver when the shit hits the fan. she sounds par for the course, only more aware

    • perez h.

      lol she has friends. elite friends. she just means she dont got MANY. unlike paris hilton who has a lot of fake friends. socialites!!!

  4. Gee, I’m shocked. A certifiably batshit crazy chick has no friends?

    Sure they’re great in the sack (although her hot years are well behind her now), but if sex is off the table, there’s no reason to be friends with someone like her, and PLENTY to avoid her like the Pestilence horseman of the apocalypse.

  5. I’d be her friend.

    I’d be a kickass friend. And I wouldn’t ever even ask her to buy me anything. Just to babysit my kid every once in a while.

  6. Deacon Jones

    More like

    Angelina: I’m over here in Pakistan honey. Helping the scum of the earth

    Brad: Awesome, they’ll need a lot of help. I wish I could be there, but this super hot 19 year old waitress I met at lunch gave me her number and told me she loves anal. I’m going to hope on my Ducati and go bang her.

    Angelina: OK, I ahve to go wash off this gasoline. They spilled some on my pants when they were burning the flag and chanting “DEATH TO AMERICA”. Ahhh, these silly people.

    • Victory Mosque Imam

      I can verify Mr. Jones’ account as correct, word for word. I was ass-banging her at the time and could hear Pitt over the earpiece of her phone. We considered setting her ablaze, but then we figured, why get rid of such a high-profile useful idiot?

  7. Shavederic

    I’d be friends with her brown eye.

  8. Angelina Jolie
    Commented on this photo:

    As the most hetro-male you know and the wives and kids to prove it, I just don’t get it.
    Beyond the crazy shit she has done in the past(we are all guilty to some point) I really don’t find her that attractive. Mouth too big, bad tats, freakishly skinny arms… If she has any redeeming quality it may be the legs.

  9. PunkA

    I love how Angie always gets called Batshit crazy. I think that is just code for Borderline Personality Disorder and BiPolar. She looks it too. Wiry thin, strung out, probably takes tons of prozac, lithium and ambien to sleep. Along with anti anxiety meds. Bet this bitch could qualify as a pharmacist right now with what she takes. But I also bet she takes it in the ass, sucks a mean cock, and is filthy awesome in bed.

  10. Taz

    I’d be her fuck buddy

    • Crusty

      It’s been said many a time but is particularly apropos with Angelina..

      What’s the best thing about getting a blowjob from Angelina Jolie?
      The 10 minutes of silence…

  11. CG

    I’d be willing to be a FWB if she kept her fucking mouth shut. I don’t think it’d be worth it if I had to listen to her spew on about this and that.

  12. Not that many people are willing to wear a vial of her blood around their necks.

    It ain’t easy being pals…..

    .

  13. Bob Costas

    That was one of your best fake dialogues!

  14. Gab

    She says she doesn’t have friends that SHE TALKS TO. She has friends, she just doesn’t like sharing this stuff with them. I totally get how that works… in a closed off, paranoid, hermetic kind of way.

  15. Righty Whitey

    Beauty fades away quickly, but crazy is forever. People used to put up with her when she was “hot”, but now that she looks like Skeletor with Collagen, people are like “You know, she used to fuck herself with a vial of Billy Bob Thortons blood and have sex with her brother, she’s pretty fucked up…”

  16. we see through a glass, darkly.. she has her creepy side, but i applaud all who volunteer for the sick and needy, espec in a place that hates where you come from. that’s true love.

  17. Mary

    I understand this is a gossip site, so hopefully, nothing on it is taken seriously. But it seems a shame that a serious subject like Pakistan has to be degraded to “Angelina has no friends”. Where does it say she has no friends anyway. The subject is who does she talk to about her experiences in terrible places and she said Brad. Why burden your friends with this type of pain. AGain, silliness is the goal on this and similar sites, but to diminish such a serious subject and interview to a silly sound bite seems absurd.

  18. best dialog to date! most people have to stop farting around $750k because of papercuts, Brad is special.

  19. Rough can cook

    That’s downside, of being too hot Angie. Would you like to trade places with your (you know who) rival? I heard she ordered so many of this item. http://dindilina.files.wordpress.com/2010/07/beed2.jpg they’re practically on back order…

  20. Skeletor

    What? Wouldn’t Evil Lyn, Triklops, and Clawful be considered friends? Shame on you Skeletor!

  21. Richard McBeef

    what the fuck is up with her arm and hand. Is her wrist dislocated?

  22. Angelina Jolie
    jay popeski
    Commented on this photo:

    HOLY JEHOVAH is that a third nipple on the web of her hand?!?!

  23. RoboZombie

    Boo Hoo! Nobody likes Skeletor!
    Won;t stop her from stealing babies and wiping her butt with hundred dollar bills though.

  24. Ray Sist.

    Quit bringing foreign babies here. There are enough children in this country who need moms.

  25. Rhialto

    Could this be the reason why she doesn’t like Jennifer Aniston?

  26. Gando

    She could be a very busy.Frome time to time she’s mother as well.

  27. sobrietyisacrutch

    Her brother is her friend – with benefits.

  28. Lisa

    That was one of your funniest ‘dialogues’ I’ve read!

  29. Rhialto

    Tripping around the world. Lucky woman…

  30. girl who likes it in da butt

    lol, otm dialogue fish

  31. Check out the vid on the US Weekly link of a refugee making fun of Jolie: http://www.usmagazine.com/momsbabies/news/refugee-to-angelina-youre-trying-to-have-more-kids-than-me-201068 . She is so not amused, lol.

  32. dude

    bitch looks busted

  33. berry

    I know Women who are very rich , and still nervously checking their hair in every mirror…She seams like that self-centered and self- obsessed individual , convinced that the whole world evolves around her….but in fact – She is not that special, just great in manipulating

  34. dum6 bl0nd3

    i think i would be a good friend, angie. look me up.

  35. radlad

    Epic fake dialogue. Hilarious.

  36. Mel Gibson's Shrink

    Quelle surprise. I can’t imagine how anyone could love her. Cold psychotic bitch.

  37. God

    I think it is time to compare Jennifer with Angelina.

    Blow Job : Angelina
    Cunt-fuck : Jennifer (but nobody does that any more)
    Ass-fuck : Jennifer.
    Hand-Job : Angelina
    Mother : Neither
    Wank-fodder : Jennifer
    Tit-fuck / facial : Angelina
    Gun-play : Angelina
    S&M : Jennifer (definitely)

    Looking pretty even……

  38. I am ready to do friendship with her if she don’t mind…?
    http://naturaldetoxcleanse.net/natural-body-cleanse/

  39. Petra

    I love Angelina. She is true to herself, the envy of every woman and one of the most gorgeous and empathetic people who have ever existed. That is why she doesn’t have “friends.”

    She doesn’t need “friends.” Friends are annoying. And Jennifer Aniston is the poster child of why this is so. (Just had to add that in)

    GO ANGELINA!

    • cessy

      i agree. angelina is amazing. and i doubt she doesnt have friends. she just has few that she really trust and talk to, and i would too if im in her position.
      and people are so easy to judge on the little things about a person and not see the big picture. how is she self obsessed or conceited? where do people even get that information?? she helps people and children all over the time, so i dont see the slightest selfish, self obsess bone in her body. and what has jennifer aniston done? nothing.

  40. omg

    SHE IS SO BEAUTIFUL

  41. captain america

    pst: EGOÏSTS NEVER HAVE………

  42. ill be her friend.. ill be tom, dick n penis ohh n cock too :)

  43. mohamed

    Why all the Hate guys!!! she is helping some people!!

  44. Angelina Jolie
    Commented on this photo:

    “Many people want to visit this my website, because there are many
    high-end fashion b-a-g-s, you hesitate to act quickly, and now my
    s-i-t-e is ******N i c e “G r a d e” B a g s*****;. Do not act quickly

  45. jay popeski

    Time has not been kind.

  46. Davinci

    This story is totally bs. With all of her contribution to society i can’t imagine that she has trouble obtaining friends. But i guess me and taz are on the same page. LOL

  47. Brooke

    Best reenactment ever. I wish I could fart money.

    I read this “I have no friends” article somewhere else and thought “Yeah… I’m not surprised.” She’s kind of creepy… does anyone remember how she was in the 90s? I know she was “wild and young” but I never kept a vile of someone’s blood around my neck, or open-mouth kissed my own brother, or… something about a horse licking her boob? I don’t remember that one much. Then 2000-2010 was stealing husbands and having/stealing/adopting babies. It’s be interesting to see what her new hobbies for the next decade will include.

  48. Steph

    I know how she feels. I was an army brat growing up. Also, somewhat quiet and standoffish when first meeting people (figured I would just be gone in less than a year!). I am so used to dropping people and moving away… So, now, at 20 moves, 36 years old and married I’m virtually friendless.

    I bet she probably doesn’t trust a lot of women, either. A lot of women are really catty. Especially, if their by someone who’s known for being “Hot”. She comes across as somewhat cold, but, I bet she’s really nice once people get to know her.

    I don’t mind the “weirdness” (screw normal!) some people mention here in the comments. I love New Orleans and I’m an Atheist. I’d be her friend… heck we have lots in common!

  49. Parties

    I think that Jolie is probably an incredibly intense person and that lots of people admire her and want to be her friend or at least be like her, but she is just a llittle bit mad to be honest

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