An Open Letter To Kim Kardashian’s Baby

June 17th, 2013 // 42 Comments
You Made Daddy Cheat
Leyla Ghobadi
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Okay, this might’ve been the wrong foot.

Dear Kim Kardashian‘s daughter,

In the past 48 hours, you’ve experienced more than most will in their entire lives: Thanks to your mother’s infamous rear, doctors had to use scaffolding to deliver you. Your father vanished in a puff of smoke and is rumored to be in Belgium as of this letter. A vampire licked its lips while holding you, referring to itself as “grandma,” and a large beast ran off with your placenta in its mouth. As for the man who knicked your ear with his teeth – “Marking,” I believe the practice is called. – his name is Steve Hirsch. You two will be bonded forever.

As for why I’m writing this down for you, someone has to and 96% of the people around you are illiterate. You’ve been alive for two days and they haven’t even given you a name yet. Although, focus grouping is a lengthy process, and your mother lied about your due date so she could lose a bunch of weight before posing for People. Get used to stuff like this happening, my dear Publicita. (They’re probably not using that one.)

On that note, let me say now that as much as the world despises your mother and father, and will one day rise up and dash your grandmother’s bones upon the rocks of an ancient castle, ending her thousand year reign, there is no ill will toward you. You are but an innocent victim of circumstance. Although, don’t milk it too much. You could’ve came out of January Jones. At least someone will hold and pretend to love you as long as a camera’s running. Not to mention the lack of frostbite. Anyway, the Internet’s pretty good about not making fun of children right out of the gate. Unless you’re born with a flipper, in which case, you can appreciate the situation I’d be in, and not think less of me when I refer to you as Kim Kardashian’s Shit Dolphin, but I’m getting ahead of myself. My point is never let anyone tell you there’s a God and this was all part of “His plan.” No one’s this big of a douche. Not even your Uncle Scott.

Did I remember to say run? Run.

- The Superficial

Photos: Splash News, WENN

superficial

  1. JC

    Other possible names:
    Famewhoria
    Bastardina
    Item 37.1 from Clause 28B of “Keeping Up With the Kardashians” contract

  2. grobpilot

    Great advice, well done, Fish. The kid now has a chance. Maybe. Or, not. Probably not

  3. This baby was conceived for publicity by two assholes who love themselves too much to love each other. She doesn’t stand a chance in hell of becoming anything but a terrible human being.

    • cc

      I am sure you’ll be accused of being too harsh…not by me though. Honestly, I’d love to see this kid put up for a adoption. But there’s money to be made here, and that’s the important thing.

    • It’s entirely possible she could become a decent person…there are escapees from the WBC that managed it.

  4. mmmmMMMMMMMOOOOOOOOOOOoooooooooooo

    and a lil’ mmooo for the young un.

  5. Well, it wouldn’t be a Kardashian press release if it weren’t at least partially bullshit.

    Why are they claiming the baby is 5 weeks early? Kim was CLEARLY 9 months pregnant by calving time. It seems like the only reason for that would be to hid the date she actually got pregnant…and why is that?

  6. Amanda

    I wonder what Kanye’s boyfriend thinks about all of this?

  7. I believe it’s part of this cabal’s satanic ritual to name all their daughter K-something. I vote Kunt Kardashian, poor kid.

  8. Cock Dr

    “At least someone will hold and pretend to love you as long as a camera’s running.”
    Yes…lots of love and plastic surgery. The child has so much to look forward to.
    Kim probably was early on the delivery. She was gonna get bigger but the medical pros had to call a halt to the gestation out of concern for her….and the hospital itself.

  9. Swearin

    You should probably add something about “and get used to always hearing about how much prettier and all-around better than you Aunt Kendall’s kids are. And what happened to that black Scientologist boy she used to date before his father forbid it?”

  10. Robb7

    Let this be the last post on this cow’s birthing bullshit.

  11. Rasputin's Evil Twin

    We’re annoyed our planned month-long, end-of-the-world benderis cut short, but Grigori and I wish to send our condolences to the child

  12. The only reason she doesn’t have a name yet is because their trying to find a shitty name that starts with K.

  13. tlmck

    I believe they already named the kid Kimyea and she already has her own reality show, album deal, and line of baby products, toddler products, preteen products, teen products, young adult products, and Kris is already casting for the sex tape.

  14. I can just see Kanye talking to his lawyers.

    “I want DNA tests…LOTS of them! How much blood can a baby spare?”

  15. Jack Ketch

    Brilliant post.

  16. anonymous

    I just want to know if the baby looks like Kris Humphries.

    The guy was sure smiling a lot more after the divorce was finalized. If the baby isn’t dark as hell, Kanye got owned.

  17. Douche Nozzle

    Her name? Ka$h Kow, of kourse.

  18. cc

    Klamydia

  19. Batu Khan

    Feel sorry for kids of celebrities. Must be though living in the shadows of people too much in love with themselves and who use their own kids to raise their own egos. The fact more of them don’t turn into guests at Arkham Asylum is a testament to the strenght of the human spirit.

  20. Freebie

    Wonder how much $ Kim wil be paid for baby’s first photos.

  21. Considering this douchebag is calling himself Yeezus, I am sure they will name this little spawn of Satan, Khrist.

  22. DrDeluth

    Child protection needs to be called! A narcissistic mother and unmedicated Bipolar diseased father is very serious!

  23. No merchandise yet? Time is money.

  24. Unbelievable. They’ve already posted the birthing video.

  25. Tim

    Felch. The most appropriate name from wence she came.

  26. Kim Kardashian Giant Cleavage Pregnant Belly LAX
    Hung Lo
    Commented on this photo:

    Boobs

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