Alexander Skarsgard’s Banging Charlize Theron

April 19th, 2012 // 49 Comments
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Charlize Theron has been looking just a tad tired and rough lately which now makes perfect sense because she’s been getting banged by Alexander Skarsgard and you seriously have to stock up on electrolytes when that’s happening to you. Imagine training for a marathon meets a sexually aggressive boot camp complete with blonde, muscular Aryan men screaming commands at you German. Or so I hear and not at all imagined. Uh, Page Six reports:

A source close to Theron told the magazine that the two are involved, but said that they are not necessarily on their way to being a couple.
“It isn’t serious,” the source says. “And no, he has not met the baby.”

CHARLIZE: Yes, you may repeatedly penetrate my most private of body-holes. No, you may not meet some kid I didn’t even give birth to. — Wait, why did I just say the complete opposite of what I wanted to say?
ALEXANDER: Kahloo kahlay may canta la moray.
CHARLIZE: And now my clothes just disappeared. How did you-
CHARLIZE: Ohmygod, are we in another dimension? Oh, Alex!

(Again, just what I’ve heard, not at all what I have meticulously written in a leather-bound journal.)

For the sake of this post, just imagine Rivers Cuomo is singing from Charlize Theron’s perspective and also replace every single girl’s name with “Alexander Skarsgard’s penis.” And, yes, it is weird that I’m suggesting you not think about Charlize Theron having sex with another woman. Damn you, Swedish wizardry!

Photos: Bauer-Griffin, Fame/Flynet, Getty, Pacific Coast News, Splash News


  1. Donald Duck

    Overhyped douche bangs overhyped bitch. Yawn.

  2. sexy.brains

    I just looked up Google images of Alexander Skarsgard; I still have absolutely no idea who he is.

  3. Deacon Jones

    If this two have a kid, it’ll march out of her uterus to “Carmina Burana” waving a Hitler Youth flag.

  4. El Jefe

    Banging Charlize Teron 10 years ago might have been an accomplishment, not so much now.

    • YoMamma

      It would be the accomplishment of your life, El Jefe.

    • Enrique Cortez

      You know something “El Jefe”? You’re right, if you banged Charlize Theron 10 years ago it would be an accomplishment for you. Then again banging anyone in the last ten years would have been an accomplishment for you.

      • El Jefe

        Yawn, the big shit talking virgin losers are out I see. How is life as a keyboard warrior going?

        She is an over the hill aging actress now who had to resort to adopting a child. She is no longer prime.

        Look at Madonna and J Lo, crap ton of money and the best they can do is backup dancers or worse. That is the reality of an aging woman, no matter how big a star you are or how much money you have.

        Meanwhile the men like George Clooney will continue to get younger, hotter A list pieces of ass.

      • Crissy

        You sir are a jerk, but so right! :(

      • Archie Leach

        “El Jefe”: “Yawn, the big shit talking virgin losers are out I see. How is life as a keyboard warrior going?”

        The ultimate irony of that statement.

      • tits mcgee

        Dude, seriously? Stacy Keibler, Elisabetta Canalis are hot, A-list celebrities? They were both dating him to get noticed.

        And yeah, who should Madonna et el date? Some crusty 50-something exec? Or a hot young dancer?

        See, you value women solely based on their physical attributes, but guys are also valued based on acquired amount of power, capital, etc? That door swings both way.

      • browny

        over the hill, ageing: tautology. look it up.

      • memnoch666shedevil

        So um how is Stacey Keibler, Elisabetta or any other paid companion of George Clooney’s an “A” list piece of ass. Their asses may be spectacular but an ass does not an “A” list make.

      • What a worthless dickhead this “El Jefe” is. How old you think Stacy Kiebler and Elisabetta Canali are? They both are in their 30s, early 30s, but still. They’re just a few years behind Charlize. It’s not about age, dickhead. It’s about mileage and how well you conserve yourself. Rachel Bilson (whom you seem to love based on your comments), Kelly Brook, and Kate Beckinsale (to name a few) are in their 30s, too and are a treat to the eyes unlike women in their 20s like Lindsay Lohan, Courtney Stodden and Vanessa Hudgens to name a few.

        Your ageist point of view is pathetic and your logic faulty at best. You sound like an immature frat boy. Hope you have a subscription on b/c only desperate and naive girls in their early 20s will give you and your mind the time of day.
        By the way, if you live in Northern California, I’m pretty sure I know who you are.

      • Shuddup

        LOL none of the chicks George Clooney gets are hot. They’re all quite average.

        Id give him credit if he got with someone like Kelly Brook but he could never pull that.

      • I think the Madonna/JLo situation is more about power than anything else. They are powerful women in the industry, they don’t a man who is as powerful or more powerful than they are.

        That’s too much competition for them and god forbid he might actually steal the spotlight from them, so the go for the anonymous backstag scrubs. It’s all about them, and they won’t share the spotlight with anyone.

    • Enrique Cortez

      El Jefe take it from someone that actually fucks women, shut the fuck up about what you do not understand. Strange advice coming from someone who spends his time letting you be a moron while I fuck every woman around you but there it is.

    • Jackie Chang

      El Jefe you are a pedophile.

    • Mike

      El Jefe is such a bitter catty hater. Jealous much? Did you get spurned by leggy blonde popular girls in high school and now you hate them all? LOL

      Charlize actually looks hotter NOW than she did 10 years ago. I didn’t like her much back when she did that stupid king king movie.

      Now she’s sexy as hell.

  5. tula

    THIS HAS GOT TO BURN BOSWORTH’S BLOOD..”.sure you take up with a NO NAME little director troll, and ill go take up with a hot, alist oscar winning actress…..hheheheheh WINNING:)

  6. notsosmart

    I’ve had the hots for Charlize for many years now… I still think she’s go it.

    So good for him.

  7. clint eatswood

    “Imagine training for a marathon meets a sexually aggressive boot camp complete with blonde, muscular Aryan men screaming commands at you German.”

    A dream scenario for you, eh Fish???

  8. EricLr

    Fun trivia fact:

    On in any given day Alexander Skarsgard has sex with approximately 8.4% of the earth’s human female population. During winter months, he can consume up to 10,000 times his own body weight in vagina during a single day.

  9. vgirly

    I like this coupling.

  10. arnieblackblack

    I would take a shot to the daddy head to get a kiss from Charlie

  11. Lila

    Love this couple!

  12. lara

    Very hard to believe. Just like Ryan Reynolds was “dating” her last year. Next thing you know, Alex will be seeing Sandra Bullock.

  13. Charlize Theron Tired Bags Under Eyes
    Jonas Grumby
    Commented on this photo:

    Take notes fellas, its one beer to get her to a buzzy smile, so what, maybe three-four more to get her top off? Bring along a good sideman to draw off her cockblocking friend.

  14. Charlize Theron Tired Bags Under Eyes
    Oh, that's lovey.
    Commented on this photo:

    If the Skarsgard-Theron love-making sessions are true…Damn you, lucky bitch.

  15. Charlize Theron Tired Bags Under Eyes
    Commented on this photo:

    “Hey…aren’t you that photographer who thought I was January Jones?”

  16. Elle

    I don’t see it working out . Charlize seems too urbane.

  17. Charlize Theron Tired Bags Under Eyes
    Commented on this photo:

    “Charlize Theron’s Swedish Penis-Ravaged Face”
    So, um, this Swedish penis-ravaged face thingy…can I pop into the local spa and schedule an appointment along with a full body massage? No? What?

  18. Ripley's Believe It Or Not.

    She’s looking more like Aileen Wuornos every day.

  19. bing

    Charlize Theron is old and boring.

  20. Whenever I play this album I’m going to hear Charlize’s name for the girls’ names. And think of ASkars.

    Hmmm. Now do The Good Life!

  21. Carolyn

    Am I the only woman on the earth who thinks he has a totally forgettable face?

    • Angel

      Face-wise, Alex is a downgrade from Stuart. But body-wise, he is a MAN GOD!

      • This was begging to be done…

    • Okie

      Well most girls don’t care for him. Its the guys who get a boner when they see him.
      Straight guys turn gay for him.

      Girls would rather have Justin Beaver, Zac Efron and one direction.

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