Charlize Theron has been looking just a tad tired and rough lately which now makes perfect sense because she’s been getting banged by Alexander Skarsgard and you seriously have to stock up on electrolytes when that’s happening to you. Imagine training for a marathon meets a sexually aggressive boot camp complete with blonde, muscular Aryan men screaming commands at you German. Or so I hear and not at all imagined. Uh, Page Six reports:
A source close to Theron told the magazine that the two are involved, but said that they are not necessarily on their way to being a couple.
“It isn’t serious,” the source says. “And no, he has not met the baby.”
CHARLIZE: Yes, you may repeatedly penetrate my most private of body-holes. No, you may not meet some kid I didn’t even give birth to. — Wait, why did I just say the complete opposite of what I wanted to say?
ALEXANDER: Kahloo kahlay may canta la moray.
CHARLIZE: And now my clothes just disappeared. How did you-
ALEXANDER: PRESTORR MAY SKARSGARD FERANDA!
CHARLIZE: Ohmygod, are we in another dimension? Oh, Alex!
(Again, just what I’ve heard, not at all what I have meticulously written in a leather-bound journal.)
For the sake of this post, just imagine Rivers Cuomo is singing from Charlize Theron’s perspective and also replace every single girl’s name with “Alexander Skarsgard’s penis.” And, yes, it is weird that I’m suggesting you not think about Charlize Theron having sex with another woman. Damn you, Swedish wizardry!