Remember Zachery Ty Bryan? Good. Hold Onto Those Memories. Hold Onto Them Tight.

August 15th, 2013 // 24 Comments

[Insert Tim Allen grunting "Oh no no no" here. And maybe that "Aiiieeeah?" sound.]

TMZ has millions of dollars to hire cameraman and strategically place them all over Los Angeles, so naturally they were able to capture video of Jonathan Taylor Thomas making a rare public appearance in Hollywood last night. We can barely afford to pay Photo Boy, so all we’ve got are these red carpet of Zachery Ty Bryan from the same night who is nowhere near as dreamy. In fact, one out of two bloggers on this site have been quoted as not wishing they had a vagina so it could whistle as it ovulates from the sight of Zachery’s face, so you win this round, TMZ. This round… (Vaginas whistle when they ovulate, right? I’ll master these noonerholes yet.)

Photos: Bauer-Griffin, Getty, WENN


  1. More Sir Please!

    He could bust a nut in me anytime. Then again, I’m a morbidly obese woman with low self-esteem, so I geuss the jokes on him.

  2. Brian

    It’s like they cross bred Jim Gaffigan with the guy who plays Badger on Breaking Bad. Saddest downhill I’ve seen since Steve Holt.

  3. “Remember Zachery Ty Bryan?”

    I can honestly say that no…I do not.

  4. Trek Girl

    Meh, he gained some weight, that’s all. If he loses it he’ll be in rare form again.

    I saw the Jonathan Taylor Thomas post. He looks great, to say the least.

  5. Sheppy

    I don’t know who any of these people are.

  6. Zachery Ty Bryan Fat Face Weight Gain Dark Tourist Premiere
    Commented on this photo:

    He was at a Melanie Griffith premier, nuff said.

  7. james

    Bill Ponderosa?

  8. Zachery has a freakishly big head. He’s like a walking candy apple.

  9. He’s got a fat head. Looks like a young blond Conan O’Brien.

  10. So TMZ has photographers everywhere who take pictures of absolutely everyone, then they head back to the office, go through the pictures and hope for a hit? That’s it, right because how would anyone know who that guy is?

  11. Dude—shoveling in comfort food won’t turn time backwards and teach your parents to spell.

  12. cocoa

    Remember Zachery Ty Bryan?
    I don’t think so, Tim.

  13. Either I’m just old and grumpy, or there really is something objectively annoying about the names “Jonathan Taylor Thomas” and “Zachary Ty Bryan” together in one post.

  14. Pat C.

    Glad he’s not suffering from malnutrition.

  15. Whenever I see anything related to “Home Improvement,” all I can think of is that my Dad genuinely thought it was a Bob Vila-style show that was inexplicably very popular in the ratings.

  16. Jenn

    They go by all three names, makes me think they’re going to be up in a tower soon, shooting at people. All the best mass murderers have 3 names after all.

  17. Put a big white hat on him and he could be Hoss Cartwright.

  18. Zachery Ty Bryan Fat Face Weight Gain Dark Tourist Premiere
    Commented on this photo:

    He looks like the lovechild of Patrick Swayze and Dave Coulier. …doing an impression of shoenice…

  19. Zachery Ty Bryan Fat Face Weight Gain Dark Tourist Premiere
    Commented on this photo:

    He looks like someone just denied him a shot of heroin
    Zack: Really dude? After the all the cock I sucked you won’t even let me lick the goddamn syringe.

  20. After a quick google check, I discovered that he was never hot. Which is a relief because every time a hot person falls down the fuggo well (RIP Vince Vaughn’s 5 minutes of hotness) my vagina sheds a solitary tear for a lost orgasm.

  21. Zachery Ty Bryan Fat Face Weight Gain Dark Tourist Premiere
    Alec Baldwin
    Commented on this photo:

    Hey. its… who?

    No really. Who is fatso?

  22. mcd

    what’s wrong with you people? oh, i know. you’re all sitting in your moms’ basements where you live, and making these “clever” quips to make yourselves feel better. why so mean, seriously? he looks the same, only older and maybe a little heavier. who isn’t?

  23. Marc

    He still looks great. He could bust a nut in my waiting mouth or tight hole anytime, what a stud.

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