Hey, Dipshits! Look, They Made Another ‘xXx’ Movie For You

Because the Ice Cube version lacked the gravitas that only Vin Diesel mumbling incoherently in a Hanes wifebeater lends to a film, Paramount got him back for the third installment of xXx. We’ll probably never know why he agreed to do another one except it’s money. Shit-tons of money he gets because morons (myself included) keep paying to let these pieces of shits grab us by the brain-pussy. It’s either that or Vin Diesel went “Wait, so you’re telling me I get to headbutt a whole plane in this one? I’m in.” Actually forget everything I just said, because it’s this. This is how they got him back.

“Vin, thanks so much for coming in. We want you back for xXx 3.
*looks at agent* “Whoa! That pile of cocaine talks? How’d you guys do that?”
“There’s almost nothing we can’t do at this point. Tell us how we can sweeten the deal for you, Vin.”
*looks down, drags toe around* “I dunno. The jet ski dirt bike scene seems pretty cool, but it could use something…”
“What if when you’re under the wave, you meet a shark down there, only…and I think you’re gonna love this…the shark is Paul Walker!”
*signs name on every piece of paper in the room*

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