They Should’ve Called It ‘Boob Diamond.’
A Review of ‘X-Men: First Class’

June 4th, 2011 // 126 Comments

[Short Version: This happens a lot. The End.]

Welcome to The Superficial review of X-Men: First Class which I might have said would be “dorkishly, tit-free” ala the Thor review, but that was before I knew January Jones‘ cleavage is the diamondy heart that holds this movie together in spite of her acting and fondness for letting extramarital sperm fertilize her eggs. (I want that on the DVD cover.) Anyhow, this is the comic movie I was most looking forward to this summer thanks to Matthew Vaughn who has yet to direct a film I haven’t loved which is impressive considering I hated the Kick-Ass comic, but will punch small women and children in the mouth until they agree to watch the movie. *shakes fist at day care* On that note, again, I’m not a professional film critic (Although, I did work at Blockbuster one summer…), just a man who writes penis jokes underneath celebrities in bikinis along with the occasional domestic abuse watchdogging. Consider this an exercise in blabbing about superheroes from the anonymity of my basement so I don’t die sexless and alone. Shall we?

NOTE: Spoilers are whited out, but you can highlight them with your mouse to read them. Like this juicy nugget: I write a bunch of words about the movie after this sentence.

The Shit That Worked:
- Michael Fassbender: Much like Chris Hemsworth owned Thor, Michael Fassbender as Magneto is the core of the movie (Not counting diamond boobs. Obvs.), and he makes the character way more interesting than “this guy has magnet hands.” Of course, a lot of that is the script – which I don’t want to say is Marvel’s The Dark Knight, but it’s definitely its Batman Begins – but this is an example of pitch-perfect casting combined with great writing. (See, also: Peter Dinklage as Tyrion Lannister saying lines straight from the book in Game of Thrones.)
- James McAvoy as Professor X. Much like Michael Fassbender brought a nuanced, yet palpable sense of power to Magneto, James McAvoy brought an earnest and hopelessly ideal spin to Charles Xavier that came off as sincere which was not the case with some other characters. A commenter on one movie site claimed McAvoy “phoned it in” which I can safely say is bullshit, but then again, opinions are subjective. So to me, he delivered, and I put words into the Internet, so you’ll shut your damn mouth.
- January Jones’ breasts. In the words of Leonard Maltin, “Ay chihuahua!”
- The “First Class.” My major concern with this movie, and with any X-Men movie, is trying to cram way too mutants into it so fanboys shart themselves going, “OMG! Psylocke!” This refreshingly wasn’t the case. They handled the students pretty organically save for the obvious token character who they handled, uh, not so well. More on that later.
- The story in general. For the most part, the overall plot worked, and at two hours and 23 minutes the filmmakers actually took the time to actually develop characters, subplots, etc. as opposed to the last two X-Men films (X-Men: Last Stand and X-Men Origins: Wolverine) which forcibly raped people. I know that sounds harsh, but think about them for a second, and then try say to I’m wrong. — S’what I thought.
- Kevin Bacon. I don’t care if his mutant power was calling celebrity bloggers with pink backgrounds “fags,” this just updated Six Degrees for a new generation. Seriously, try to link Michael Fassbender to Kevin Bacon without using this movie. It’s probably possible, but I’m lazy and needed a premise for this joke. Abandon ship!

The Shit That Kinda Worked:
- Whether or not this was a prequel. Matthew Vaughn had said in interviews this movie isn’t exactly a prequel, but if you watch this thing, it’s pretty much a prequel, dude. Granted, they had to take a few liberties thanks to Wolverine using Emma Frost as a throwaway character, but when you cram in the two cameos they did, this baby breached prequel country. Which brings me to…
- The cameos. Admittedly, the Hugh Jackman cameo made me chuckle because a.) it somehow wasn’t spoiled on the Internet, but probably is now, and b.) it was a clever use of something you’re allowed one of in a PG-13 movie. As for the Rebecca Romjin one, I literally thought Jennifer Lawrence just got fat for a second and screamed “Bitch, get out da house!” at Michael Fassbender’s ten-foot face.
- The civil rights undertones. While X2: X-Men United might as well have had a character who fired rainbow beams out of his cock directly into the bigoted hearts of Republicans, X-Men: First Class instead went for more of a Holocaust/evils of mankind movie and steered so clear of blatant civil right themes – save a ham-fisted line by Beast – that the film only had two minority characters, and within minutes of each other, killed one and made the other become a bad guy while letting two white guys essentially play Martin Luther King, Jr. and Malcolm X. (100% True Story: Right as this happened, I saw a black guy a few rows down whisper in his wife’s ear, and I’ll bet cash money he said, “If Halle Berry‘s big ol’ titties don’t show up, this is worse than slavery.” Cash money.)
- The love story. Suddenly during the movie Charles Xavier has a girlfriend, so I guess we’re supposed to assume at some point he used his mind powers to get some off-screen which is how I chose to look at it and would’ve played it myself without a trace of hesitation. *holds fingers to temple* My wiener is now a beautiful pair of shoes…
- Thinking about any sequence of events for more than a minute. One of the problems with jam-packing a movie full of characters with insane powers is you start to realize there’s hundreds of ways they can easily escape a situation – not just counting the teleporting guy – but you basically have to pretend they’d just stand there because right now it’s Character X’s turn to use his/her power. It’s annoying, but you kind of just shrug it off and eat a burrito which is how I chose to handle it because it’s summertime. Or as Michael Bay calls it, “You arch your back and you arch it now!” time.

The Shit That Shat:
- January Jones’ acting. They might as well have called her character “Betty Draper in Lingerie” because that’s entirely how she played it.
- Jennifer Lawrence‘s acting. I don’t know if it was the script, or the Mystique makeup, but how the hell was this chick up for an Oscar?
- Zoe Kravitz’s acting. Granted, this section is starting to look sexist, but keep in mind I’m not the one who ignored these chicks delivering lines like a monotone robot and went, “Boobs. You’re hired.”

Wow, this got kind of long, so let’s wrap things up. Final recommendation: Definitely worth seeing in theaters, and probably the best of the X-Men films even though seeing the Wolverine Berserk scene for the first time in X2 will always have a special place in my nerd heart. Also, for you ladies, and gents, who are a fan of the Fassbender, he brings the goods and is practically James Bond in the first hour, so bring extra pantaloons.

Rating: Four Jon Hamms for 60s action and jokes about women in the workplace.

Photos: 20th Century Fox

superficial

  1. January Jones Emma Frost X-Men First Class Lingerie
    Melrose
    Commented on this photo:

    Skinny Bo Peep

  2. Bee Bee

    Generic boring blonde with no curves. What so sexy about this?

  3. Mama Pinkus

    I’ve never seen this gal’s TV show but I have to assume she got really lucky getting that gig because I saw her in the movie UNKNOWN and she truly, truly sucks in the acting department – I immediately added her to my growing list of “actors” whose movies I refuse to see: Kate Hudson, Jessica Alba, Dane Cook, etc. Also, WTF – as far as sexiness goes, she is pure generic (thanks for that word Bee Bee) bland vanilla – really nothing special happening here.

  4. January Jones Emma Frost X-Men First Class Lingerie
    Jerky McPumpoff
    Commented on this photo:

    talk about the direct opposite of Christina Hendricks. Fun, Sexy, Curvy, Ginormous Boobs versus Skinny, Upset, Sexless. January Jones needs a different kind of role ASAP or else she’ll only ever play the annoying cunt ex-wife.

  5. January Jones Emma Frost X-Men First Class Lingerie
    Doc Schweinstrudel
    Commented on this photo:

    wow I’m amazed

  6. Cher X

    It’s Stepford….After Hours….

  7. Math

    I don’t know why people are saying January Jones can’t act. Her character is supposed to be emotionless, lacking empathy, and cold. How would you have played it?

  8. January Jones Emma Frost X-Men First Class Lingerie
    Commented on this photo:

    Get that bitch a sandwich!

  9. anonym

    january jones never smiles in any role she does.

  10. comment

    Comment bitches!!!!

  11. What a bigoted asshole!

    What a racist douche the writer of the post is..Must be a hate mongering liberals since he spews hate towards everyone in the movie and label republicans bigots when everyone knows it is assholes like him that are the real bigots.Their is a reason he didn’t like any of the women in this movie,he hates women as much as he hates republicans,i am sure he hated the minority and especially the jewish characters in the movie too..Seig Heil you Nazi Bastard!! Bet you loved when Bacon shot Magnetos mother you heartless cocksucker!(not that their is anything wrong with you sucking your boyfriends cock as long as it is consensual and you keep it to yourselves asshole)

    • Jade

      How you convinced yourself that clicking the “submit” button after writing this nonsensical BS was a good idea is beyond me

  12. January Jones Emma Frost X-Men First Class Lingerie
    JEGUE
    Commented on this photo:

    MULÉ BRANQUELA, MAGRA E SEM BUNDA!

  13. Maureen

    No way in hell is she to thin!!!!!!

    This is a body to die for!

    It doesn’t get any better!

  14. kantotero

    kantotan!

  15. Frankie

    I know 75% of American women are overweight, but this woman doesn’t have the body of a 12-year-old boy, and she isn’t dangerously underweight. This is what a woman would look like if she didn’t buy long johns on the daily from the bakery at the grocery store. This whole ‘real women have curves’ thing is just a desperate attempt to excuse your binge-eating and laziness. Your fat rolls are not ‘curves’.

    • LEB

      Her body *would* look like a 12 year old boy’s if it weren’t for the fake boobs. She had to buy her curves. She looks good and all, but not in that style of underwear. You need hips and booty to pull that off.

  16. boo

    Am I the only one who thinks Emma Frost SHOULD be played as ‘Betty Draper in lingerie’?
    Both characters are cold-hearted bitches in the ’60s. The only difference between the two is that Emma has super-powers and is easy, whilst Betty is a repressed child-slapping prude.
    That said, I really like Emma in the comics. Bitches are fun.

  17. January Jones Emma Frost X-Men First Class Lingerie
    Annie
    Commented on this photo:

    Fish, thanks for treating noyb. And secondly, i hope they make a movie of just Betty Draper droid being boobly.

    Shows what I know about X-men…

  18. LEB

    Okay, she has a nice body and all… but she looks like a 14 year old playing dress up in that lingerie. Now if Selma Hayak was in this getup, it would be sexy. But it doesn’t work on JJ, it just makes her look twiggy and girlish. They should have picked something that fit her body type and made her look more womanly.

  19. kittyhawk

    Brilliant review! I completely agree with you, especially about Fassbender and McAvoy. They fucken OWNED.
    Also, the Wolverine Berserk scene is one of the reasons I saw X2 four times in the cinema. That and the Nightcrawler opening scene.
    *palpatations*

    On a side note, I hope January Jones miscarries her bastard child, gets a staph infection and then gets eaten alive by rabid marmosets.

  20. Hatter

    You forgot to mention “never trust a stripper that spits”

  21. Jessie

    damn, I can’t see what you whited out =[

  22. recognizer

    To understand why Lawrence would get an Oscar nod, you should probably watch the movie she was nominated for. I agree that she was inexplicably terrible in First Class, though.

  23. Raptor

    This is a really great movie. With Capt. America the two best action movies of the year. The fact it didn’t earn more at the box office shows the low standards people have about movies these days. Thank you Michael Bay.

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