They Should’ve Called It ‘Boob Diamond.’
A Review of ‘X-Men: First Class’

June 4th, 2011 // 127 Comments

[Short Version: This happens a lot. The End.]

Welcome to The Superficial review of X-Men: First Class which I might have said would be “dorkishly, tit-free” ala the Thor review, but that was before I knew January Jones‘ cleavage is the diamondy heart that holds this movie together in spite of her acting and fondness for letting extramarital sperm fertilize her eggs. (I want that on the DVD cover.) Anyhow, this is the comic movie I was most looking forward to this summer thanks to Matthew Vaughn who has yet to direct a film I haven’t loved which is impressive considering I hated the Kick-Ass comic, but will punch small women and children in the mouth until they agree to watch the movie. *shakes fist at day care* On that note, again, I’m not a professional film critic (Although, I did work at Blockbuster one summer…), just a man who writes penis jokes underneath celebrities in bikinis along with the occasional domestic abuse watchdogging. Consider this an exercise in blabbing about superheroes from the anonymity of my basement so I don’t die sexless and alone. Shall we?

NOTE: Spoilers are whited out, but you can highlight them with your mouse to read them. Like this juicy nugget: I write a bunch of words about the movie after this sentence.

The Shit That Worked:

- Michael Fassbender: Much like Chris Hemsworth owned Thor, Michael Fassbender as Magneto is the core of the movie (Not counting diamond boobs. Obvs.), and he makes the character way more interesting than “this guy has magnet hands.” Of course, a lot of that is the script – which I don’t want to say is Marvel’s The Dark Knight, but it’s definitely its Batman Begins – but this is an example of pitch-perfect casting combined with great writing. (See, also: Peter Dinklage as Tyrion Lannister saying lines straight from the book in Game of Thrones.)

- James McAvoy as Professor X. Much like Michael Fassbender brought a nuanced, yet palpable sense of power to Magneto, James McAvoy brought an earnest and hopelessly ideal spin to Charles Xavier that came off as sincere which was not the case with some other characters. A commenter on one movie site claimed McAvoy “phoned it in” which I can safely say is bullshit, but then again, opinions are subjective. So to me, he delivered, and I put words into the Internet, so you’ll shut your damn mouth.

- January Jones’ breasts. In the words of Leonard Maltin, “Ay chihuahua!”

- The “First Class.” My major concern with this movie, and with any X-Men movie, is trying to cram way too mutants into it so fanboys shart themselves going, “OMG! Psylocke!” This refreshingly wasn’t the case. They handled the students pretty organically save for the obvious token character who they handled, uh, not so well. More on that later.

- The story in general. For the most part, the overall plot worked, and at two hours and 23 minutes the filmmakers actually took the time to actually develop characters, subplots, etc. as opposed to the last two X-Men films (X-Men: Last Stand and X-Men Origins: Wolverine) which forcibly raped people. I know that sounds harsh, but think about them for a second, and then try say to I’m wrong. — S’what I thought.

- Kevin Bacon. I don’t care if his mutant power was calling celebrity bloggers with pink backgrounds “fags,” this just updated Six Degrees for a new generation. Seriously, try to link Michael Fassbender to Kevin Bacon without using this movie. It’s probably possible, but I’m lazy and needed a premise for this joke. Abandon ship!

The Shit That Kinda Worked:

- Whether or not this was a prequel. Matthew Vaughn had said in interviews this movie isn’t exactly a prequel, but if you watch this thing, it’s pretty much a prequel, dude. Granted, they had to take a few liberties thanks to Wolverine using Emma Frost as a throwaway character, but when you cram in the two cameos they did, this baby breached prequel country. Which brings me to…

- The cameos. Admittedly, the Hugh Jackman cameo made me chuckle because a.) it somehow wasn’t spoiled on the Internet, but probably is now, and b.) it was a clever use of something you’re allowed one of in a PG-13 movie. As for the Rebecca Romjin one, I literally thought Jennifer Lawrence just got fat for a second and screamed “Bitch, get out da house!” at Michael Fassbender’s ten-foot face.

- The civil rights undertones. While X2: X-Men United might as well have had a character who fired rainbow beams out of his cock directly into the bigoted hearts of Republicans, X-Men: First Class instead went for more of a Holocaust/evils of mankind movie and steered so clear of blatant civil right themes – save a ham-fisted line by Beast – that the film only had two minority characters, and within minutes of each other, killed one and made the other become a bad guy while letting two white guys essentially play Martin Luther King, Jr. and Malcolm X. (100% True Story: Right as this happened, I saw a black guy a few rows down whisper in his wife’s ear, and I’ll bet cash money he said, “If Halle Berry‘s big ol’ titties don’t show up, this is worse than slavery.” Cash money.)

- The love story. Suddenly during the movie Charles Xavier has a girlfriend, so I guess we’re supposed to assume at some point he used his mind powers to get some off-screen which is how I chose to look at it and would’ve played it myself without a trace of hesitation. *holds fingers to temple* My wiener is now a beautiful pair of shoes…

- Thinking about any sequence of events for more than a minute. One of the problems with jam-packing a movie full of characters with insane powers is you start to realize there’s hundreds of ways they can easily escape a situation – not just counting the teleporting guy – but you basically have to pretend they’d just stand there because right now it’s Character X’s turn to use his/her power. It’s annoying, but you kind of just shrug it off and eat a burrito which is how I chose to handle it because it’s summertime. Or as Michael Bay calls it, “You arch your back and you arch it now!” time.

The Shit That Shat:

- January Jones’ acting. They might as well have called her character “Betty Draper in Lingerie” because that’s entirely how she played it.

- Jennifer Lawrence‘s acting. I don’t know if it was the script, or the Mystique makeup, but how the hell was this chick up for an Oscar?

- Zoe Kravitz’s acting. Granted, this section is starting to look sexist, but keep in mind I’m not the one who ignored these chicks delivering lines like a monotone robot and went, “Boobs. You’re hired.”

Wow, this got kind of long, so let’s wrap things up. Final recommendation: Definitely worth seeing in theaters, and probably the best of the X-Men films even though seeing the Wolverine Berserk scene for the first time in X2 will always have a special place in my nerd heart. Also, for you ladies, and gents, who are a fan of the Fassbender, he brings the goods and is practically James Bond in the first hour, so bring extra pantaloons.

Rating: Four Jon Hamms for 60s action and jokes about women in the workplace.

Photos: 20th Century Fox

superficial

  1. First, bitches! AHHAHAHA!

    I don’t get it… where’s the glory?

  2. Stoked

    Am I really the first person to see this?

  3. Stoked

    I take it back.

  4. Colin

    Dammit, I’m probably gonna hate this movie on principle, then, since Emma Frost is pretty much my favorite Marvel character. But it’s good to know they at least put some effort into it. Maybe this will help to start healing the hole that Last Stand left in my heart.

  5. Ruth

    So why didn’t Romijn play Mystique? And I thought Mystique was turned human in the second (third?) movie?

    • Colin

      I dunno. I thought they should have just used Romijn because who cares if she looks the same? Isn’t that the point of being a shapeshifter?

      And I don’t see how turning human in the third movie would affect her in the prequel.

      • Ruth

        Ha, prequel, that’d be why. I haven’t actually watched any of the X-Men movies fully through. Romijn was the only thing that I found interesting. Thanks. :)

      • Black

        Was this wolverine berserk scene the one in the kitchen, iceman’s house or the fight between him and lady death strike?

        Shoot, they were all awesome.

  6. Abby Normal

    I refuse to watch anything with X in the title that doesn’t include close up penetration and 3-D money shots that make you want to wipe your glasses.

  7. ash

    HOw come the costume people couldn’t find panties that actually fit her. It look s like a lil girl put on her big sisters undies. lol

    • Sexxxy Mami

      Exactly! Not the body of a woman. She should eat and grow some ass and hips. She probably likes looking like a 10 year old boy. Gross.

      • Maggie

        Oh yeah Mami, that clog in your artery is so sexxxy.

      • Sexxxy Mami

        Maggie-no sweetie, sorry, no clog. I happen to be a very healthy, 140 lbs on a 5’9 frame with a natural D cup, nice waist and round, bubble butt. As for you, I can only imagine you are also a sufferer of “no-ass-at-all” syndrome. I’m sorry you can’t be as blessed as some of us. I would be mad if I were you too…lol.

      • Maggie

        @Mami
        Post your pic here and maybe they will cast you on Mad Men!

      • Tom

        You sound like a motherfucking garbage truck in the description, and you “talk” like a Puerto Rican drag queen, which I honestly think you must be.

    • yeah she’s pretty skinny, a bit too so, but she still has a bust. unless it’s a miracle bra. it’s like every time i see a VS model without one of those fancy bras, my jaw drops because, seriously?

    • LJ

      Probably to keep the ratings at PG-13.

  8. Just a Guy

    Now I am going to see it.
    Might be the last Movie where JJ looks great before she is ruined buy dropping the kid.

  9. tlmck

    Not that hot IMO. Not really an X-men fan either for that matter. I saw the first one, and it was just OK.

    About the only comic book movies I have liked are the Batman series, and Iron-man.

  10. Come_Honor_Face

    sry fish TLDR

  11. Uncle Caw-yin

    There was some good casting but man I can’t see how you liked this, Fish. It was embarrassingly bad at so many moments. Shaw as a Nazi cackling and killing Magneto’s mom, the utterly unsubtle writing (“I may go bald some day!”), the painful codename conversations.

    Vaughn is no Singer (And yeah, Superman Returns was bad) and he lacks any sort of art or subtlety.

  12. Uncle Caw-yin

    Was this really any better, though? Even beyond it’s faux badassery.

  13. Vichus Smith

    I think that Jennifer Lawrence was very natural in this. I do think she got some lines that were awful (the whole “Mutant and Proud” thing is a good example) but I don’t think her talent as an actress was at fault.

    • ihateemo

      Jennifer Lawrence was just fine – she got some bad lines but played it well.

      Superfish, go away and watch Winter’s Bone. Hard to believe it’s the same actress. She turned in a towering performance; way better than that hack Natalie Portman.

  14. Sodomy_is_for_Girls

    Thank you for the Tyrion Lannister bit.
    That’s what I’m taking away from this.

  15. sean

    Awesome review. You’re a great writer.

  16. Zee Brat

    She is frighteningly thin.

  17. mupp

    She looks like one of those Austin Power’s fembots…..kinda creepy looking IMHO.

  18. Lexander

    Zoe Kravitz and January Jones acting was ridiculous. Especially Zoe Kravitz’s close ups when shes flying around searching for people and moves her head from side to side like a 5 year old in a school play. “Oh no, I wonder where they could be!”

    It’s hard to describe, but when you see it, you’ll know. It still haunts me.

  19. Linxx

    why does this guy have such a hard on for this chick.. we get it she had pre-maital sex and got knocked up yeeesh

  20. January Jones Emma Frost X-Men First Class Lingerie
    Coyote
    Commented on this photo:

    I don’t get it, she is so nothing, nada, zilch

  21. the captain

    you don’t have to study for thisone.
    THERE SIMPL ARE NO SLIMWOMEN IN TH U.S., folks
    …….so every man will bemome horny of her!!

  22. January Jones Emma Frost X-Men First Class Lingerie
    noyb
    Commented on this photo:

    That’s just gross… sure she’s got the fake boobs but she looks like she’s starved herself so much her body forgot it was supposed to be female.

  23. i can’t get the memory of her awful performance on SNL out of my head. What a dolt.

  24. January Jones Emma Frost X-Men First Class Lingerie
    noyb
    Commented on this photo:

    wtf someone deleted my comment?

  25. Yet another scrawny waif for the sheep to whack off to! Yeah, she got tits. Great. What about the rest of her?…No hips, no thighs…bones sticking out everywhere…She has less shape to her than a 9 year old! No thank you.

    Let her eat solid food for a month and get back to me when she looks a little less malnourished.

    • Sexxxy Mami

      A man who knows what a real woman should look like :)

      • mami is a huge loser

        stfu up mami (are you th black women from gone with the wind btw?) a real woman comes in all sizes not just what you are. douchetard. u are obs insecure.

        stop flirting with internet randos too. you’re not getting laid off here.

      • Sexxxy Mami

        LOL…you stupid fuck…it isn’t “mammy”. Thanks for the laugh though.

  26. cc

    Her face exudes matronly affection…no wonder someone was determined to give her the gift of a child.

  27. Dirty old whore

    Blah, body like a 12 year old boy (albeit with boobs) and a face to match. No thanks.

  28. January Jones Emma Frost X-Men First Class Lingerie
    sprezzatura
    Commented on this photo:

    100% guarantee this girl is a bitch in real life. Oh wait, we already know that from her interviews. Girl needs to eat a damn sandwich.

  29. Clarice Starling

    wtf her body looks fine? everyone who’s a little thinner than average seems to get these ’12yo boy’ comments

    • Dirty old whore

      lol you’re blind. No hips, no waist, no butt, etc.

    • Jade

      @Clarice: I agree. Being a ‘real woman’ these days seems to equal being chubby. Make no mistake, those high fashion sticks you see walking Dior and Prada are definitely too thin, but this woman doesn’t seem to be.

  30. January Jones Emma Frost X-Men First Class Lingerie
    bethy
    Commented on this photo:

    I get that “bitch” impression too….it might have something to do with blood sugar levels. EAT!

  31. January Jones Emma Frost X-Men First Class Lingerie
    marcy
    Commented on this photo:

    this is supposed to be sexy and have hips too, making u think about if she’s wearing a thong like Rebecca Romjin on her Mystique Role

  32. Peter Shithead

    Peter Dinklage is an overacting chump in Game of Thrones.

  33. Peter Shithead

    HAHA HES A MIDGET THAT CAN DO A PASSABLE BRITISH ACCENT. WHAT A CASTING. THEY NAILED IT. WHAT. A. CASTING.

  34. Michael Fassbender Magneto X-Men First Class
    Toxic Buddy
    Commented on this photo:

    I will part the red sea.. oh wait, wrong movie.

  35. Heez Magnif

    Never thought I’d say this… But Ashton Kutcher was right.

  36. January Jones Emma Frost X-Men First Class Lingerie
    jerrry
    Commented on this photo:

    You dont think she is smokin? You females are cat’n (meow)

  37. January Jones Emma Frost X-Men First Class Lingerie
    Bryan
    Commented on this photo:

    Saggy panties make sad panda sad…

  38. anon

    meh….something about january jones just isn’t hot. they could have casted better.

  39. Venom

    Her body looks like shit.
    That is all…

  40. January Jones Emma Frost X-Men First Class Lingerie
    tim
    Commented on this photo:

    she is HOT!
    But that lingerie isnt very flattering

  41. January Jones Emma Frost X-Men First Class Lingerie
    JD
    Commented on this photo:

    Too skinny, no curves, average face.
    Overrated.

  42. chelsea

    i don’t see anything attractive about her…. creepy really.

  43. URSTUPID

    Correction. When Beast morphed into an advance mutant, not ” Wolverine Berserk scene”. Obviously, Marvel incompetent!! Or maybe yiu watched the wrong X-MEN movie. Nevertheless, URSTUPID!!

  44. ck

    YESSSSS TYRION!!! Fish loves GoT.

  45. January Jones Emma Frost X-Men First Class Lingerie
    josh
    Commented on this photo:

    O-VER-RA-TED

  46. Dballs

    Michael Fassbender → Inglorious Basterds with Brad Pitt → Ocean’s Whatever with Casey Affleck → Gone Baby Gone directed by Ben Affleck → The Town with Rebecca Hall → Frost/Nixon with Kevin Bacon.

    I don’t win the game, but I’m starting it.

  47. January Jones Emma Frost X-Men First Class Lingerie
    Uncle Jemima
    Commented on this photo:

    “Why does no one take me seriously? I’m a super hero!”

  48. mfbinc

    if you’re a guy and u wouldn’t bang that…you’re gay. if you’re a chick that don’t think she’s hot…you’re jealous

    • Mandy

      Not necessarily. I think her face is gorgeous, and she’s got great boobs. But her legs are SO thin and she has zero hips, it looks strange. If I saw her from the stomach up – hell yes! If I saw her from the stomach down – I would think she is a child.

    • spinal

      Wrong. I’m usually the first to admire a gorgeous woman, but there’s just something so Plain Jane about this chick. I don’t know if it’s the toothpick legs, the nonexistent waist-hip ratio or the narrow face, but she is just not sexy even in lingerie. Put her next to, say, Brooklyn Decker and she looks like a tired soccer mom. I showed my boyfriend and he had the same reaction. But I love how your opinion is somehow universal.

  49. Quinn

    You were on the right track Dballs.

    Fassbender was in Inglorious Basterds with Brad Pitt who was in Sleepers with…Kevin Bacon. Boom!

    • Jimmy Fury

      shit. didn’t scroll down far enough to see this already posted.

    • Jade

      I totally forgot about the movie Sleepers. It was good though. Ah…I guess I’ll never get good at these games.

    • Madonnasux

      Could also do Fassbender in Inglourious Basterds with Brad Pitt, who was in “Interview with the Vampire” with Tom Cruise, who was in “A Few Good Men” with Kevin Bacon. An extra degree of separation but not bad in 3.

  50. Michael Fassbender Magneto X-Men First Class
    SFord
    Commented on this photo:

    I want this helmet next time I go sky diving too.

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