WTF Happened With Jay Z & Solange?

May 13th, 2014 // 54 Comments
In-Laws, Amirite?
Jay Z Solange Fight Elevator
Solange Beats Shit Out of Jay Z In An Elevator Read More »

“Bitch, why your sister over there shaking her fist at me?”
“I’m sure it’s nothing.”

Yesterday, the Internet was served a rare feast when leaked surveillance video of Solange Knowles beating the shit out of Jay Z in an elevator was published by TMZ. Since then, everyone has been trying to figure out what the hell happened down to Beyonce just standing there while her sister goes apeshit. (No Sterling.) Of course, the obvious reason is the Illuminati, but like everyone in the media, I swore a blood oath to Satan to keep that shit a secret, so let’s go with the two most prevailing theories before watching 50 Cent narrate the fight. Yup, you just read that:

JAY Z BEATS BEYONCE

Because obviously all black guys hit their woman, the racist portion of the Internet started pushing the theory that Jay Z hit Beyonce and Solange was just paying that shit forward. Except there’s been absolutely no evidence anywhere to even suggest that’s the case. What there is a shitload of evidence for is this boring and most likely scenario:

SOLANGE IS A CRAZY ADDICT WHO WAS DRUNK OFF HER ASS

Not only does Solange have a history of drug abuse and randomly going off about Jay Z, she was screaming at Rachel Roy at the MET Gala party right before getting pulled into an elevator with Jay Z and Beyonce where Lainey Gossip points out both of them just stood there letting the whole thing play out because they’ve seen this shit before. After that, you’ve got cryptic Instagrams and full social media deletion, the trademarks of passive-aggressive sister fighting.

Except none of these reasons are more important than what 50 Cent thinks about all this which is it’s goddamn field day. Albeit one he’s been deleting over the past few hours because nothing says gangsta like hoping Jay Z doesn’t get mad about your tweets. Fortunately, ala the Reese Witherspoon incident, the Internet is a master archivist, so here’s 50 Cent commentating the fight in a Instagram video he was too chickenshit to leave up:

For those of you like Photo Boy who can’t understand a single word that’s being said here, I took the liberty of transcribing it for you: “What do you mean I can’t play golf with Donald Sterling? Donald Sterling is fun and easy, you mothafucka, I’LL KEEL YOU!”

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  1. I don’t know what triggered Solange’s outburst, but I do think Jay-Z should file charges. She had no business putting her hands on him.

  2. Mel Gibson's Shrink

    Just a black woman acting like one. Nothing to see here, pass through.

  3. That’s too bad about Beyonce’s sister being a drug addict. I’m sure Beyonce, who’s extremely rich, has done the noble thing by taking her to rehab. The MET Gala is a fancy rehab, right? She wouldn’t take her afflicted sister to a fashion event where they serve alcohol, right? Of course not. She did “Single Ladies.”

  4. To be honest, if I was in a musical group with my sister and she became a solo star and married a gazillionare, I’d lose it every fucking day.

  5. Jay Z Beyonce Solange Fight MET Gala
    Commented on this photo:

    “I’m pretty pissed right now, honey, but all will be forgiven if your sister lets Roc Nation represent her in the sport of ladyboxing.”

  6. If Jay hit Beyonce, why wouldn’t he hit a woman who is physically attacking him?

  7. malaka

    i hope they make a boondocks episode out of this.
    or at the very least, a jay pharoah sketch.

  8. Beyoncé got Monica-Lewinsky’ed, but Jay-Z got Ruth Buzzi’ed.

  9. No Sterling like no homo but for what? I’m old and need explanations.

  10. Also, if she was drunk/high and or psychotic, she seemed to show remarkable control to wait until they were in the elevator and then stop when they were out….

    • malaka

      veteran addicts and sociopaths can often appear to function normally and wait for the right opportunities to lash out.

  11. no racist. i get it.

  12. Jazz

    …. Did you just link Perez?

  13. Come on, it is plain as day like I said yesterday, he got caught fucking around with another woman. Seeing as it was the Met Gala and every celebrity and their mother was there, one of his sidepieces or their friends ran their mouth about hooking up with Jay Z and either Solange or Beyonce found out and it went down.

    Seeing as both Rita Ora and Rihanna were there, something was bound to go down and you know Rihanna, her mouth has no cover, that’s exactly the kind of shit she would brag about.

  14. Has anyone seen the rumour that Beyonce is actually in her 40′s and is Solange’s real mother?

    Apparently she had the baby in her early teens, pre Destinys Child.

    • That would explain why daddy Jay tried to make nice with his step daughter by taking her jewelry shopping today…

    • When it comes to celebrity conspiracy theories, Beyonce is a GOLDMINE. I heard she’s much older than she claims, Solange is her daughter, Tina Knowles is actually Beyonce’s older sister, and Beyonce’s “dad” was actually her lover. Then of course there’s the fake pregnancy, illuminati involvement, and business arrangement of a marriage.

  15. Sloppy Redneck

    I got 99 problems and now this bitch is one .

  16. nikistagram

    For once I am worried about Fish’s perspective on this. Based on the links cited that lead to radar online articles; are we to assume JUST because she admits she smokes weed regularly she’s a drug addict? Or cause she was (presumably) drinking she was drunk and or has a drinking problem? I smoke weed regularly and don’t call myself a drug addict. Maybe she has emotional problems and smoking and drinking is a correlation not a causation of violent behavior. OR maybe Jay Z really did fuck up? That was my honest first impression of this video and fish perpetuating the idea that she’s a drug addict doesn’t change my mind on this. In fact this is dissapointing and questionable to me.

    • Oh BABY

      I agree. But Fish has never allowed the facts to get in the way of smearing someone with mud or being a rabid liberal dipshit. Congrats on finally questioning Fish’s veracity. May you do so again and again and again until you see him for what he really is, and stop buying into the crap he posts.

  17. Mike

    or J had an affair with Rachel Roy, which is why he’s no longer buds with her now ex husband and Solange freaked out at her first. Beyonce is a robot. Robots can’t have babies.

  18. I don’t blame her. I’ve wanted to kick Jay-Z in his face since post-Blueprint.
    #TeamSolange

  19. Jay Z Beyonce Solange Fight MET Gala
    anonym
    Commented on this photo:

    what the fuck just happened?

    just put on a fake smile and pretend nothing happened.

  20. S Money

    I guess he has 100 problems now.

  21. .Looks like Jay Z needs some lessons from Chris Brown.

  22. mrfknhappy

    What she did was not right, it definitely wasn’t, BUT for her to react like that is pretty telling. My gut tells me he’s cheating on B and B is either in denial or she does not want the negative publicity.

  23. Really...?

    I don’t recall many “So what did Rihanna do to Chris Brown eh ? Must have been terrible for him to go crazy and attack her.”

    Equality double standards eh. Kinda sneaks up on you.

    Either violence is wrong or its okay depending on the gender of the offender.

    Personally, I don’t give a fuck – I’m just glad their lives are as fucked up as everyone elses.

  24. Jay Z Beyonce Solange Fight MET Gala
    Commented on this photo:

    Jay Z’s eyes in some of those pics! Crazy funny!

  25. Jay Z Beyonce Solange Fight MET Gala
    donkeylicks
    Commented on this photo:

    “I’ve made a huge mistake.”

    Mind you this was said pre-cheating.

  26. Jay Z Beyonce Solange Fight MET Gala
    Mama Pinkus
    Commented on this photo:

    egads that man is HIDEOUS

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