Here’s Why Woody Allen Doesn’t Do Many Interviews

“This next ditty’s called ‘I Can’t Get Started’ which is a problem I never had regarding my adopted daughter’s vagina. A two, three, four…”

You know how Woody Allen has that look like he’s the kind of perv that puts his dick on strangers on the subway, or molests his own kid (allegedly), then publicly assassinates her character when she comes forward in a classic rape defense strategy especially effective for beloved comedians? Well, it turns out he also sounds exactly like one of those kinds of guys when he gives interviews. Unfortunately, he doesn’t do many, but hopefully we’re witnessing the senility from his rapidly approaching death taking its grip, which prompted him to sit down with NPR. I’m going to translate what I gleaned from his best quotes, but it should be noted at the top here that he mostly attributes his success in life to luck. As in, “Phew, not getting raped to death in prison for allegedly molesting my own kid sure was lucky!”

Let’s Start Out Slow — His Thoughts On The Middle Class:

“No, no. My problem is that I’m middle-class. If I was crazy I might be better. That probably accounts for my output. I lead a very sensible life: I get up in the morning, I work, I get the kids off to school, do the treadmill, play the clarinet, take a walk with my wife. It’s usually the same walk every day. If I were crazy, it would help. If I shrieked on the set and demanded, it may be better, but I don’t. I say, “Good enough!” It’s a middle-class quality, which does make for productivity.”

Translation: Keep your head down, be polite. Have you seen the news? Nobody ever suspects the quiet ones.

And Now We’ll Move Into The Creepy Shit — His Thoughts On Casting:

“I work with beautiful women and good men.”

Translation: Can they act? My penis couldn’t care less.

More Creepy Shit — On How It Took Him A While To View Women As Humans:

Yes, temporary, but as I got older and they were humans suffering like I was … I changed. I learned empathy over the years.

Translation: Looking back, I also could have petted my dog more often.

And Now The Good Shit — On Why Soon-Yi Was Attracted To Him:

I’m 35 years older, and somehow, through no fault of mine or hers, the dynamic worked. I was paternal. She responded to someone paternal. I liked her youth and energy. She deferred to me, and I was happy to give her an enormous amount of decision-making just as a gift and let her take charge of so many things. She flourished. It was just a good-luck thing.

Translation: Were you recording that last part about how she liked me because I was like a dad to her? That might sound weird, because I am her dad.

And Finally, Because This Is What’s Really Important — On How This Has Affected His Box Office Performance:

“I would say no. I always had a small audience. People did not come in great abundance, and they still don’t, and I’ve maintained the same audience over the years. If the reviews are bad, they don’t come. If the reviews are good, they probably come.”

Translation: My audiences are similar to likely Donald Trump voters. Comfortable familiarity beats hard truths every time.

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