Prince William and Prince Harry Saw ‘Star Wars’ Before the Peasants

“Can the robot tell what I’m thinking?”
“No Harry, I don’t believe-“
*Bee-boop beep boo*
“Good show, old chap!”

The reviews are starting to come in for Star Wars: The Last Jedi and overall they’re pretty positive… Actually that’s a gross understatement, people are saying it’s the best Star Wars movie since Empire Strikes Back and our lives as we know it will be forever changed by the “emotion” in this one. They said the same thing about Force Awakens, Rogue One, and Phantom Menace so I’m not going to buy into it until the general pop gets access. Disney isn’t stupid and pays hardcore Star Wars geeks to write these first reviews so it’s kind of a preliminary circle jerk anyway. Want proof?

When Disney showed “The Last Jedi” to more than 6,000 people at the movie’s premiere on Saturday, the Porgs seemed to captivate audience members, who laughed at their playful scenes with Chewbacca. (From Reuters via St. Louis Post-Dispatch)

I’ll believe propaganda like that when Kim Jong Un proves that he doesn’t go to the bathroom. I can’t wait for the inevitable cavalcade of shit to rain down on those CGI guinea pigs once Twitter notices that Disney tried to subliminally bring back the Furby. Porgs are so lame, you guys!

**Opens up Ebay and searches for Porg-themed snuggie**

Porgs aside, I’m obviously pretty excited about it. It’s a new fucking Star Wars movie and they could just film Mark Hamill farting into his hand and throwing it onto people’s faces and I’d still stick around for 2 hours.

Unsurprisingly, Last Jedi is projected to gorilla stomp box office records and if Justice League can break even then it’s pretty obvious that this movie will be printing its own currency by Christmas. I might even emerge from my mother’s basement like a little newborn mole to go see it on Thursday night.

So if you see a pasty, bearded guy who walks like Bambi standing in line at your local cineplex, don’t be afraid to say hello…

Hah, I’m kidding that’s what everyone in line for Star Wars on opening night looks like.

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