Why Lindsay Lohan Needs to Watch The Movie “Crank”

Lindsay Lohan’s robot is making its rounds on gossip blogs this week after a teaser trailer of her new reality show was released. The concept is (dumb) simple: Lindsay takes over contestants’ social media accounts and posts (dumb) cuh-cuh-cuh-CrAzY oUtRaGeOuS leads to challenges that leave their friends like, “OMG R U seriously going 2 do nude modeling!?”

If the contestants, who may or may not have been pooled from an introductory improv class, complete these challenges, they get free stuff and- who cares… Watch for yourself, it’s horrible.

“I mean… I am social media”?? Who says shit like that!? METH ROBOTS, THAT’S WHO!

The only way that this wouldn’t be DOA in my book is if Lindsay upped the ante a little bit with the challenges and took a page out of the meth head’s magnum opus of cinematic achievement that is – “Crank”. The plot is remarkably similar, one sadistic puppet master sends a poor soul on a rampage of humiliation as they race against a ticking clock so save their life. Did I mention it’s titled “The Anti-Social Network”, because they have no respect for the intellectual capacity of their viewers to do something that wasn’t lazy.

She needs to recognize that it’s 2017 and we have a thirst for blood! Lohan needs to let her producers know that they can keep their Micky Mouse hijinks and pump her contestants up with a cocktail of Vyvance, crystal meth, and Tabasco-brand garlic powder (because product placement) and then have them go up to their boss and recreate that scene where Jason Statham bangs his girlfriend in a public market to literally stay alive. Also, what was up with that woman who played this dude’s boss in this video? Did anyone else find that as kind of a weird physical-mismatch?

I thought the Blind Date style reality show was pass√© by now, but maybe I’ve just been in denial of how dumb we all are… Congrats, Lindsay! Glad you’re back! Can’t wait for the next Herbie movie!