Why Lindsay Lohan Needs to Watch The Movie “Crank”
Lindsay Lohan’s robot is making its rounds on gossip blogs this week after a teaser trailer of her new reality show was released. The concept is (dumb) simple: Lindsay takes over contestants’ social media accounts and posts (dumb) cuh-cuh-cuh-CrAzY oUtRaGeOuS leads to challenges that leave their friends like, “OMG R U seriously going 2 do nude modeling!?”
If the contestants, who may or may not have been pooled from an introductory improv class, complete these challenges, they get free stuff and- who cares… Watch for yourself, it’s horrible.
“I mean… I am social media”?? Who says shit like that!? METH ROBOTS, THAT’S WHO!
The only way that this wouldn’t be DOA in my book is if Lindsay upped the ante a little bit with the challenges and took a page out of the meth head’s magnum opus of cinematic achievement that is – “Crank”. The plot is remarkably similar, one sadistic puppet master sends a poor soul on a rampage of humiliation as they race against a ticking clock so save their life. Did I mention it’s titled “The Anti-Social Network”, because they have no respect for the intellectual capacity of their viewers to do something that wasn’t lazy.
She needs to recognize that it’s 2017 and we have a thirst for blood! Lohan needs to let her producers know that they can keep their Micky Mouse hijinks and pump her contestants up with a cocktail of Vyvance, crystal meth, and Tabasco-brand garlic powder (because product placement) and then have them go up to their boss and recreate that scene where Jason Statham bangs his girlfriend in a public market to literally stay alive. Also, what was up with that woman who played this dude’s boss in this video? Did anyone else find that as kind of a weird physical-mismatch?
I thought the Blind Date style reality show was passé by now, but maybe I’ve just been in denial of how dumb we all are… Congrats, Lindsay! Glad you’re back! Can’t wait for the next Herbie movie!