Johnny Depp’s New Girlfriend Seems Nice

August 7th, 2012 // 36 Comments
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Ha! Just kidding. I’m such a scamp.

Here’s Jordan Carver on the set of Who Killed Johnny?, an independent film about a group of aspiring filmmakers who stumble upon the lifeless body of Johnny Depp (Played by an impersonator.) and decide to make it star in their movies because pornos are getting way too elaborate now. Apparently calling this thing “Johnny Deep” is too pedestrian for today’s avant garde pornographer. “Okay, now, Johnny, when you’re pulling her hair, that’s letting the audience know that the strings of government and commerce are pulled exclusively by the elite, and the naked midget with an erection is just a naked midget with an erection. Haha! His balls look like peanut M&Ms.”

Photos: Bauer-Griffin, WENN

superficial

  1. Eww…so what’s next in dead porn, A Weekend in Bernie?

  2. EricLr

    To save money on wardrobe, they just went ahead and made his character a gay cowboy eating pudding.

  3. Jordan Carver Cleavage Bikini Johnny Depp Impersonator
    Beaver Underground
    Commented on this photo:

    Mmmm, fresh, tasty, natural… water.

  4. Amy

    Looks like a Johnny Depp impersonator to me…

  5. Jordan Carver Cleavage Bikini Johnny Depp Impersonator
    rraff
    Commented on this photo:

    good lord…those are “arthritic hands” big

  6. Jordan Carver Cleavage Bikini Johnny Depp Impersonator
    Cock Dr
    Commented on this photo:

    If she had gotten the next size up she would need a wheelbarrow.
    Goddamn!

  7. I have to say…the impersonator NAILED IT!

  8. Jordan Carver Cleavage Bikini Johnny Depp Impersonator
    ben dover
    Commented on this photo:

    is she dropping a deuce?

  9. Jordan Carver Cleavage Bikini Johnny Depp Impersonator
    ben dover
    Commented on this photo:

    “psst – you’ve got big boobies”

  10. Crabby Old Guy

    So, is he channeling Keith Richards or Hunter S. Thompson? I can never be sure.

  11. Johnny P!

    Since he’s become the King of Douches, and since he lives/ spends most of his time in France (or did for years when he was with Vanessa Paradis), I say we take the douche thing to the next level.
    I crown him: Johnny Bidet…

  12. kimmykimkim

    There is nothing I hate more than porn with a plot and characters. Just shut up and get to fuckin’.

    • I don’t want to make a film where they show up, sit down, jack off and get up and get out before the story ends. It is my dream, it is my goal, it is my idea to make a film that the story sucks them in. And when they spurt out that joy juice…they just got to sit in it. They can’t move until they find out how the story ends. I want to make a film like that. And I understand they have to make films. I’ve made them myself that are a few laughs, everybody fucks their brains out. And that’s fine. But it’s my dream to make a film that is true, and right…and dramatic.

    • Those are my thoughts exactly, Kimmy. I’m currently watching “Pornstar Superheroes” and my fast forward button is getting a pretty good workout on that one.

      Not only that, some of the girls in the movie, who are well known for doing anal, don’t do any anal in their scenes. WTF? That’s bullshit.

      • kimmykimkim

        Yeah, that is bullshit. What else pisses me off is when the girl spits. I just think/say, you stupid, cunt, you just sucked that dude’s dick AFTER he stuck it in your ass but you can’t swallow?! Dumb sluts.

      • kimmykimkim

        And I know this all sounds very gross and unladylike of me but, whatever, begin with thumbing down. Yes, I’m a woman, yes, I watch porn and I don’t like the boring shit. Go ahead and judge.

      • You’re perfect, baby. I also hate spitting. Swallow that shit. It’s the reward for all your hard work.

  13. Jordan Carver Cleavage Bikini Johnny Depp Impersonator
    Commented on this photo:

    Johnny: “You don’t know who Marlon Brando is? Marlon. Brando. Seriously?”
    Jordan: “Untie this top and I’ll marlon your brando.”
    Johnny: “Call the Academy. We have ourselves a star!”

  14. Jordan Carver Cleavage Bikini Johnny Depp Impersonator
    Great White Pygmy
    Commented on this photo:

    Thank You kindly for the water ma’am. Now I best be getting back on the trail.

  15. “I’m a cowboy.”

  16. Jordan Carver Cleavage Bikini Johnny Depp Impersonator
    Commented on this photo:

    Johnny Depp impersonator, or Johnny Depp as a Johnny Depp Impersonator? Deppceptive Deppception.

  17. Cardinal Fang

    Stupid cunt only shows 95% of her tit here or anywhere. She got a problem with her nipples. Cock tease.

    • I don’t count it as seeing breats unless I see a nipple. Cause I could see every other part of the boob in a fucking magazine they sell to teenagers. I want some fucking nipples.

  18. gigi

    Johnny?! I immediately thought it was Katt Williams…. shame, poor Katt… what’s he up to these days? :)

  19. Jordan Carver Cleavage Bikini Johnny Depp Impersonator
    LockNLoad
    Commented on this photo:

    Wow, she looks really…smart.

  20. She should stick to eating foot-long hot dogs, or else make with the naked.

  21. kittenmittensmascotmeow

    Mmmm something looks too Mexican here….

  22. Jordan Carver Cleavage Bikini Johnny Depp Impersonator
    Dick Righteous
    Commented on this photo:

    “Seriously, those aren’t real are they?”

  23. arealcad

    The Denise Milani of Germany.
    Never shows the goods.

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