When Ewoks Attack

August 18th, 2010 // 54 Comments

It has a taste for flesh now! Evacuate the boardwa- Oh, wait, that’s just Snooki‘s new boyfriend, Iraq vet Jeff Miranda. A confused young man who, not unlike anyone that’s awoken to the sweet smell of Absolut Pickle before him, went immediately running to the press to market his shame. Us Magazine has the romantic details:

The pair met last Friday, naturally, at Karma, the local nightclub often featured on MTV’s reality hit. “We hit it off really, really good,” Miranda tells Us. “Nicole is actually really cute and seems like a cool a** person, even though she’s drunk most of the time. She’s a real sweet girl.”
After “dancing all night” and “talking back and forth,” the two new friends went back to the famous beachside home Snooki shares with her Jersey Shore castmates. Miranda says they “had in-depth conversations about each other’s lives, what our backgrounds were…It was almost like an instant connection,” he gushes.
“The way the show depicts her and makes her seem is totally not her,” Miranda insists. “She honestly has one of the biggest hearts…She is really not how everybody thinks she is.”
After spending the night together, the couple “spent the whole day together” on the boardwalk, riding the rides, holding hands and “just kissing,” he explains. He and Polizzi did their best to ignore gawking photographers and fans. “We just cared about me and her. It was just an amazing day!”
“Just kissing her was a rush,” he cooes. “Her lips are matched perfectly to mine…I couldn’t even explain it.”

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, we are not getting these soldiers the psychological help they need. How many more are we going to let stick their penis in this butt-lump.. thing before we finally do something about it? PTSD is very real, people. Tobey Maquire had it in that movie once.

Photos: Pacific Coast News


  1. ClassyDirtyChick

    First Mo Fo’s

  2. Que

    Que buneo por que them pero can forget about broad now?

  3. McFeely Smackup

    He must be some kind of superman to be able to lift her like that.

    Interestingly, her skank-to-height ratio is WAY above the median, but if you factor it as skank-to-pound, she’s well under the norm.

    It’s almost like she’s a total VD petridish gutter tramp, who is freakishly short but still overweight for a chick a a foot taller.

    but that can’t be right…can it?

  4. tom

    He obviously needs to see a va doc for PTSD and STDs.

  5. fish many thanks for the reality check. all those ass shots were clouding my otherwise impeccable judgement

    but.. you owe me a keyboard (hm i dont remember eating carrots..?)

  6. Commented on this photo:

    Interesting. It’s a lot of fun judging them by their body language in these pics (and by bystander faces!). From the looks of things, he has a crush on her and she is just going along with it.

  7. Taz

    He can lift two hundred pounds right over his head.

  8. Absolut Pickle.



  9. Gene

    At least she’s getting some…better than I’m doing. (Still in Taliban country.)

  10. luna
    Commented on this photo:

    anyone else notice this guy has freakishly tiny hands?

  11. luna

    anyone else notice he has freaky tiny, feminine hands?

  12. ♫Here I am, rough you like a hurricane♫

    Awwh! Anyone who doesn’t appreciate the way these two kids found each other is an animal…

  13. Cock Dr

    Love is so beautiful.
    And then there’s this……..
    A famewhore, chasing a intellectually disabled midget.
    Mr Miranda has likely fermented some ambitions of getting rich off reality shows & product endorsements while sweating on the weight bench.

  14. Viv

    I think I’d rather see a Kim K post than this

  15. gav
    Commented on this photo:


  16. He’s gonna wish he was back in Iraq once the itching starts “down below”.

  17. jaybles

    why the fuck would anyone want to kiss that sick fucking troll.

  18. anonymiss

    Wow, I remember that guy from my high school in Union. He was loud, rude to teachers, ran around the hallways, and bragged about the kinds of trouble he would get in to. He didn’t seem very smart.

    If he is still anything like that today, it only makes perfect sense that he is dating Snooki.

  19. timmy the dying boy

    It’s lunch time, but I just lost my appetite.

  20. Duke

    Poor guy, first warfare and now Snookie. He doesn’t know what he is getting into. This is going to be worse than Iraq.

  21. Rachel Corrie

    Kissing turds is its own punishment.

  22. noneofurbeezwax

    They repealed “don’t-ask-don’t-tell” while I wasn’t looking, ’cause that dude talks G-A-Y!

  23. Bunny

    He’s cute as hell, but alas……. I would not hit it. :(

    Once a dick is in Snookie, it ain’t for Bunny.

  24. stinky mcpoop

    In his defense – try going on a nice long 18-month deployment to a god-forsaken middle eastern country, at his age. Right now the Snooki Monster is a hot piece of ass. He’ll either marry it or cool off once he’s let a few go in her.

    Or better yet, maybe we can deploy her to Iraq and use her in those Hurt-Locker type scenarios. User her as a blast shield.

  25. Internet

    My girlfriend has the SAME EXACT wave-bye-bye arm flab.

  26. OompaLoompa

    Giving hopes of a TV show to rotund oompa loompas everywhere…..

  27. Rhialto

    Am i here witness of some dude committing bestiality?!

  28. Sarah
    Commented on this photo:


  29. sasha
    Commented on this photo:

    Is that freakin bag surgically attached to her arm? I have never seen her without it.

  30. jumpin_j

    Is there any other reason than making us drown in our own vomit of repulsion? Well played, phish.

  31. Paradise

    I think he’s cute.

  32. Rufus The Cat
    Commented on this photo:


  33. RoniMikey

    Some people will sleep with anything to become a star.

  34. Lisa

    Dude, why do you keep posting this strange “Snooki” creature? And isn’t bestiality a crime in Jersey? This Jeff guy needs to not be so open about his love for the furry wildlife. Send it back to the forest dude.

  35. captain america

    ………….you’re ashamed to be an american.

  36. Sooowrong

    No, really, that is just soooooo wrong

  37. Weird Al

    Damn it.

    She’s giving midgets (er…very short women) like me a bad name.

  38. bobo peepants the hobo clown
    Commented on this photo:

    I think the guy thinks he is actually fucking danny de vito…
    “take that pinguin, like that uh? yeah..” PTSD is a bitch

  39. jay

    i think his dick is gonna fall off next week. He shud go get checked out soon cuz if he slept with a dirty homeless person, he’d be smart enuf to get tested…this is the same situation, she’s basically as dirty and crab infested as a homeless dude wallowing in his own urine and fecal matter. And on top of that she’s an ewok cunt bitch with full blown AIDS and a hint of chlamydia and vaginal herpes. I know just from looking at her.

  40. Armando

    having served Mother Green for 6 years I can attest some of my brother jarheads often suffer from dog night fatigue. But if he was in Iraq, it kinda explains why he think the ewok is hot plus factor in she is his belt height, he simply needs to unzip and Snooki has another pickle

  41. Demi Moore

    Those Ewoks aren’t attacking, they’re mating.

  42. Mel Gibson's Shrink
    Commented on this photo:

    she is officially gross

  43. ambrezy
    Commented on this photo:

    hes way to cute for her, hes def. in it for the publicity

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